Broke.
09/22/2003 10:07 p.m.
Wanna know the silliest thing? Looking like you have money when you don't. My family has never had money. but we always look like it. so that way, when I tell friends I can't afford to do something or go somewhere, they look at me and ask why. teachers look at me funny when I tell them I can't pay a fee yet. That we just don't have it. the fuckin BUS DRIVER shook his head at me when I was short 3 cents and couldn't pay my fucking fee. I hate it! I scraped my change and I was short. I didn't have change to pay the man 3 goddamn cents. It's sick. It's utterly sick. and the last thing I want is a friend going "oh we can pitch in and pay for you..." yay! I'm your new charity case! Does it makeyou happy? do you pat yourself on the fuckin back because you made somebody's day by buying them a burger when they dont have the money for it?It's shitty. once in a while I'm thankful for it, but the rest of the time I can get by some other way. I have a friend who gets 100$ a month allowance, and she blows it on food and make up and shit. She's like "well that hundred dollars has to get me through the month forfood and clothes and stuff." AND STUFF. She get's fed at home. "food" means chips and poutine at the mall or something. Do you need new clothes every month? a new lipgloss? Maybe i'm just bitter right now, but I can't FATHOM getting a hundred dollars a month for doing nothing. I can't fathom getting new clothes every month or being able to buy whatever you want at lunchor being able to go just about anywhere on the bus because I have the money. I cannot fathom it. And she says buying stuff for people makes her happy. She says she feels sorry for thepeople across the world starving, who have nothing, and yet she chucks hermoney outinto the Canadian/American economy so that she can get some new clothes. I care about her, she's a good person but maybe I'm just angry. I feel like it's all myfault. I wish I was an average student so that I didn't have all these band trips to go on, sothat I wouldn't have to use the family money. My dad has no "real" job, he works doing odd jobs, labour and mechanics jobs, at age 64. My mom supports us. We get by and we're so lucky to have what we have infront of us. to have internet and a nice house and everything, but it could all begone in an instant and I feel like i don't contribute to it, like i waste it and I hate it. I hate it when she'll go "oh what do youwanna eat trish? I'll buy it." and she doesn't understand what it'slike not to have money and not to live off somebody elsespocket. it blows me away how her 100$ a month disappears by the 15th. where the fuck does it go? what would I do with 100$ a month? she tells me about how her step mom is working now just to put her through university. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER FOR HER TUITION! And then she says she's angry with her stepmom, that she doesn't want her money when her parents say "I'm doing this for you, you know." She tells me about how she'd rather them keep hermoney and workto get enough money for acouple years university. I'm not trying to beso mean, but GOD, she thinks it would just "be tough", but she'd get through it. how many 8$ an hour shifts does it take to make up some 60,000$? I feel like screaming "OH BOOHOO!! So you just have to endure feeling like someone's charity ONCE in your life to go to UNIVERSITY! do you know how many people would trade in their 8$ an hour jobs for that? do youknow how many people are FORCED to work 8$ an hour jobs for a glimmer of whats being handed to you on a silverplatter? So what, who cares that your step moms carrying it, be grateful somebody is!!"ARG! I'm just so pissed off at everything. I'm gonna crawl into ahole and screamand when I come out I'll smile and keep on looking normal.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to -