Nope, Not finished yet
08/18/2003 05:46 a.m.
I want to tattoo the word "Irony" on my body. I think it'd be funny, though Phoebe thinks it's stupid. That is the only thing that's certain (irony), besides change, which i choose to ignore. I want to go to beauty school, which people also think is stupid. I want to be a flight attendant, but I'm scared to fly. I want to be an x-ray tech like my mom, but I don't like science. Everything I thought these last few months is wrong and I need to find the right path again. But I'm lost, lost, lost. Things about Jeff, I just don't know, and Phoebe doesn't like it. But is this one of those times where I say "Fuck it, it's about me now." Or do I forget it? DOn't know. I just tried talking to my uncle on the internet, he didn't know who I was. Even after I said who it was, or maybe he just wasn't paying attention. Jenny's married. I almost got married. I wanted to get married. I think finding that person must be great. Because this dating thing sucks. At least if your married, you get to have sex, even if it is with just one person, because I haven't had sex in almost a year. A YEAR. 12 months, in case you didn't know. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. I don't remember what it's like. In fact, maybe I never really did it. I'm 21, I should be getting ass left and right, but I haven't even kissed anyone since June. JUNE. And that was awkward. I have been so down today. I realized that I love my best friend more than she loves me. I think. And whenever I'm with her, all she talks about are her other friends, and the cools things she's going to do, that I'm not going to do with her. It bumms me out. I don't know what to do anymore. I used to be so sure about things and now I'm just fucked. I don't want to go to UAA anymore, I hate it. I hate the fucking campus center. I hate answering questions about the goddamn campus, and other random shit. I hate seeing the same people. I hate living in Anchorage. I love to read. I like to be alone. I hate driving. I like eating (Love eating.) THis is all weighing down on my so much, I feel like everything in my life has been a lie, like I need to start again, like I have a broken heart, but I don't have a broken heart, I don't think. I don't know. I need to calm down, but sometimes I can't. I feel like I felt in January after Marcos broke up with me, lost lost lost. I wish I at least had a goal that I actually wanted, instead I have a goal I sort of care about, but not all that much. What the hell has happened to me. I'm freaking out. I'm so tired of the unknown. I don't know how much longer I can stick it out in this place. Should I move back home after my lease expires? I don't know. One day at a time. One. Two. Three. Scream.
I am currently Freaky
I am listening to Saul WIlliams