She Died
08/14/2003 07:09 p.m.
My dad called me yesterday while I was at work. He received a phone call that his sister had been killed. I could hear in his voice how upset he was; my pillar of strength, which has a foundation forged out of my dad's strength, was shaking. I didn't really know my aunt, the last time I saw her I can't even remember, but that isn't the point, she was my aunt. He didn't know if it was true or not, he didn't know who called him, so he asked me to call my grandpa (his dad) and see what he knew, because dad's cell phone was acting up. So I called, several times and finally got an answer, my grandpa had not heard anything, and I felt sick having to even mention to him that one of his children might have been hurt, let alone killed. He tried her home number but no one answered. So then I searched the internet and found several places to call in Ohio to see if there was any place that could confirm it. No where could, 'maybe it was a fluke' I was hoping. The lady that called my dad gave him a number to call, so I called that, and got the answer, from my grandma, who I also haven't seen in a long time. I noticed, as I was explaining to her who I was, that she was sobbing.
My first thought right then, "Oh shit, I have to tell my grandpa that his daughter is dead." I felt bad that she had died, but it wrenched my guts to even think about telling my grandpa. And I had to do it over the phone, what a horrible bastard way to do something like that. I should have drove to his house, its far away, but jesus, his only daughter was killed and I gave him the news like some dopey loser trying to sell magazines.


This is the second time that someone in my family has died, this time was far, far less painful for me, because I was very close to my grandpa that died. But both times I had this urge to flee, I knew that I had to spend time with my dad because he shouldn't have been by himself, even though he wanted to be, but I felt this deep rooted urge to run to my friends. The same thing happened with my grandpa, my mom told me he had all these tumors, and was going to die, and I stood in the kitchen for about two minutes before I turned around a left to go see my friends Nick & Tamisha. Around my family I didn't drop one tear, because I felt like I had to be strong for them, but when I walked into Nick & Tamisha's living room and told them, I just sank to the floor and started crying. Since then, those two and I have had a lot of problems, but I've always felt like I've owed them so much just for being there for me. In fact a lot of the love I developed for Tamisha was out of the fact that she held me as I was dealing with my grandpa.
But now, parts of the family are coming closer together, as they do when someone dies, and I just want to run away.
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to Nothing Else Matters - MetallicA