back and forth and back and forth and back
08/04/2003 05:33 a.m.

i wonder how many people on this website are not white. it seems like it can't possibly be many. just because of the vibe of the site. it's like a group i worked with a few years ago - the people of color tried to tell us how uncomfortable they were in te setting of the group because so much was simply white-oriented by default. i wish i could know how to not do that. maybe living in price this semester will do that for me. i wish i wasn't white; a lot. about the same amount i wish i wasn't american. but both have their ups and downs, and really more ups than downs if you want to get right down to it. i just don't know if that's purely quantitative or not. probably.

i'm wearing my red bat shirt - i love charlie, my darling my friend my brother my comrade charlie. he loves me, too. he takes care of me. everyone knows it, and they respect our relationship. funny charlie; he's the reason i own this bat shirt, indirectly and more directly than that implies.

"everyone knows they're in love by the way they dance" - ryan and i are fantastic dancers, in our heads. and everyone knows not because we're good dancers but because we make them think we're fantastic dancers when they watch.

"don't try to take me down cause, you know, i won't go. i don't give a damn about it anymore. i won't go" i haven't talked to anyone from my old school all summer save my few precious ones, emma alice mary ryan eric kenji. that's all, that's all there will ever be because the rest i have consciously decided to abandon, to jump; a new dimension, my new life; that's what it feels like. i have refused to do that anymore.

"the line moves slowly through the numbered gate, past the mosaic of the head of state" you know, just leave everyone alone. i don't ever want to touch anyone in violence or hatred. just leave saddam hussein alone. let him live his life. because there will always be someone in his spot; it could be someone worse, someone better, but it will always be a place to be filled. the provocation is what matters. leave "him" alone. maybe "he"'ll leave you alone, no?

"sometimes she likes to pretend" yes you know i am quite happy really. i love my friends, my darlingest friends who are incredibly lovely. i will call alice to go breakfast with me, i think. i hope she can, i do hope. because i love her. i love her immeasurably and i want to share this with her. i i imagine beautiful lives for us all later on. or catherine, maybe i will call catherine. it's all one, anyhow. i am in love. everyone, hear that! i am in love! with lover and friend both. i am still lonely at night, but it's a reminder only. i have comfort every day of my life for that moonlight solitude. i want to watch shooting stars with my lover again. that is the only thing that is as true as i believe.

"let it all go and close your eyes, body parts are nice" i miss him, in my bed warm and dear, sleeping. that is contentment, joy, and rest all together, all perfection in the world embodied by a soft body in my sheets. and sometimes he makes me love my hips my waist my legs my back my stomach all parts of me, parts i usually[when i think about it] would rather were quite quite different. it's sort of a magic thing, isn't it?

"with the perfect life, where you never die; you just press rewind" i'm not yet ready for this change i'm about to enter. i'm just not ready. but i don't know if i could say when i will be ready, if ever. i love the life i lead, i do.