Ugh...again...
07/09/2003 05:27 a.m.
So soon it'll be like this. I'm gonna call her. The two "it" girls who should hate eachother, and instead are just concerned about the other one. The two that are supposedly "rivals" for one person, and instead are just concerned about the otherones heart. I really want to talk with her. It's her opening night. GOOD LUCK! Not that you need it. You have a healthy dose of talent.
God I'm sick of whiny little girls!! I think I'm going to go insane here. I'm still babysitting these little children, and I think I'm going insane. If I hear another whine or see another fake pouty face i might just die. Yes, die. I miss my peace and quiet. I miss Jen. I think I need her right now. Maybe she's the missing piece to all this. Yeah, there we go, thats the feeling. I've been trying to describe how I feel lately. It isn't "Empty", because I don't feel totally empty. But I think now, I feel like I'm missing a piece. A piece that I used to have for myself but got stifled under the weight of guys and maintaining a relationship. Maybe I just need to grow it back. My impulse is to get another guy, as stupid and pathetic as that is. I hate it. I want, almost feel like I need a guy in my life, and personally, that makes me sick. That utterly disgusts me. Yet I know that I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I'm not stable enough, in that I'm not quite feeling that "yes, a relationship would be a good idea right now" vibe. I'm not instable as in crazy. Well, I am a little crazy, but that's not the deal here. Ugh, I feel gross for wanting that intimacy with a person again. Thats just sick. I think it's just odd being single again. I know that I've said that before, but really, it's unnerving after being taken for a while. I, I guess I just want someone that was everything he was to me, to begin with. I hate saying it, but I think maybe it's true. He was my ideal, and he said I was his, until she overtook his thoughts again, and he realized that grass was just as green, he just didn't like where he was standing. I guess I just miss feeling loved. That's the real thing here. I miss that feeling of being admired, of feeling sexy. But above feeling sexy, just being loved, and knowing that love won't go away. I had, and I guess I have that with Geordie, but I just can't be in that relationship. I was under the impression that I'd have that with Jordan, but in less that 3 weeks it began to evaporate, in a month it was a cherade, and in a month and a bit it had vanished. That's hard. When you believe in a love so strongly and all of a sudden it's gone wthout a trace. I guess that's how I made Geordie feel. Oh god... I miss feeling whole.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to dishes being washed.