nighttime now
07/04/2003 03:59 a.m.

a little bit berzerk [i think that's german] i bought new shoes today and the more i think about them the more entrenched in my mind they become. maybe i'm becoming a materialist, me, little free me who wouldn't claim a penny? i'm starting to think i'm all about image when i know this isn't the case. i'm starting to wish to know many people i don't know. randy the singer-songrwriter on whom i waited at work. jason my fellow waiter. a man of many names who disappeared and returned. a boy who names the stars and blows life into the embers of my joy and all-encompassing love. a friend from years ago who hugged me out of happiness one valentine's day at work. i want to know them, to feel their words meaningful and shared, with me; bill, i miss you, i want to touch your skin to see if your kindness is real, if you were a phantom who one night went home with the girl who was my friend and then became the other side and consequently too good for us in the kitchen. and yet she took you bill bill bill of a thousand rhythms and smiles. bill the embodiment of all my yearnings not sexual but human bill i miss you bill are you dreaming? or are you working now, it's not too late, you're probably still scarring your forearms on that hot oven while i miss you from 4 miles as the crow flies bill bill mr bungles was your friend i learned to love silence and sound from bill it seems these days although i know i knew it before bill. veins are standing out in my arms i think i may be squirming on the outside though i think i'm silently sitting in peace here on the inside. i may be seizing now and not ever know. i may be dying floating up over this city and bill would you still know my face? from the one time you smiled at me i'll always remember the lump in my throat when you remembered me. you were my joy because you were joy you were the joybringer please keep it with you don't let them disease you like they are. you are beautiful bill, i'll remember for you when you're here in fifteen years. it's silent out now, and humid. i imagine you walking to your little blue car with a cream soday, being stopped by the cops but Guys it's only pop Okay sir go on. i'm missing you i ' m  s l o w l y  m e l t i n g  a w a y  w i t h  s o l i t u d e  l o n g i n g  f o r  y o u r  s m i l e  b i l l so good night sweet prince and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest if i die i promise to come see you before i go it's my last with you'll be my last goodbye