LONGASSFREEWRITE ( read it all, I dare ya. ya won't make it man)
07/01/2003 06:53 a.m.
Man oh man.... so many things to think about all at once. My brain feels like it's got all it's gears turning at full speed and the sparks are starting to fly... yay, my 10 days of taking antibiotics are through! God those stupid yellow pills give you a bad taste in your mouth... so much can change in 10 days. It's weird. I think my life is in fast foward. That's why I like the summer. lazy days, where things aren't moving quite so fast. I get bored when they get slow though. Too bored. so it speeds up again. it's like pressing stop-fastforward-stop-fastforward I guess.... no problem really, I'm just not quite used to having the wind blowing into my face one second and then weird stillness the next. It's very very odd... I haven't really actually truly been single for over a year. It's weird, because I don't feel "on the market." i'm actually happy that I'm single. I don't think you realize how stressful relationships are until you're out of them at taking a good look at your past one night. I kinda feel sorry for people who are jumping from one relationship to another constantly, because it builds up and builds up and builds up with out you realizing. Then you get out of it all, and as soon as the baggage starts to lighten (happens oddly quick for me...) you realize how light your shoulders feel for the first time in ages. I guess it's easier when you have so much else to focus on anyways. Next years gonna be crazy for me. I've got biology and socials and chemistry and so much other stuff to worry about, lol. I passed my socials!! That means that I get to skip my year and go into grade 11 next year instead of 10 (SUCH a relief, because there are very few people my own age that I relate to anyways). so, I have all that junk to worry about, along with the kids I have to worry about... I hope I get time to just chill this summer. Like with jen. I love it with Jen, because we can just sit and read magazines and it's not like we're neglecting eachother, we just dont need to talk too much... well,unless we stumble upon something outrageous to us (like anna kournikova being the highest paid female tennis player at one point and never even winning a single tourney...). Plus, indoor soccer is over, which is kind of a relief. I love the game,i love playing goal, but man oh man those girls can get cliquey. It'll make me feel like an alien. They're all NDSS girls... and i'm a Barsby girl. ooooo, the tension, lol. Well whatever, they see eachother 5 times a week more than I see them, so i guess it;s normal for them to be more comfortable with eachother. My god I'm a friggin senior next year... now... I'm only 14 right now! I'm 15 in five days though, which is entirely awesome. I'm very, very tired of being 14. And at the same time, almost not wanting to leave it. It's been crazy, being fourteen. Having an actual, intimate, close relationship with a boy for over a year... then realizing I wasn't happy, then going for a guy who was going for me for the same reasons, then me being happy and him being not, and him finding out what he really wants (must be a relief)... struggling to pass social studies so that I can be in a higher grade next year, realizing the whole socials course I had taken had nothing to do with the exam... learning the whole course the night before.... Growing apart from Jord, and slowly getting it back together (summer does that), getting to know Barbara again (not that I ever really didn't...), figuring out who I am, and silly little things, like that I'm a big fat band geek, tootin on my sax and playing jazz like the weirdo I am, and not caring. Learning how to play the guitar. Listening to some cool Weezer (i'm a semi-fan, jordan, but I think Barb's hooked)... And just crazy turmoil left and right. Thats alot of stuff to pack into 360 days... now it's 5 days until my birthday. 360.... how odd. Today I guess is full-circle-day. Am I right back where I started? Hell no... well, not really. Not so much a circle I guess as it is a spiral. I've made a full turn, but I'm higher up than I was before, and by no means in the same exact spot. I see the world the same, just from I higher angle. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to figure out what I really want. I knew, but that didn't turn out, and I suppose that if thats what God wants to throw at me, then I'll just have to deal with it. It was for good reason anyways. I need to help these kids. At least a little. I need to get settled into my new room, and into being single. I find it's odd not having action on call, as Barbara calls it. But I don't wanna do what alot of people my age do in my situation (whore out like there's no tomorrow). That's just not my thing. I'm happier being single then making myself feel like a worthless piece of ass for the taking. Nothing wrong with casual summer flirting, but unless something really really special comes along, I'm not biting. That makes me feel a pang of guilt for Geordie, because really, he IS something special. nobody sees it behind what they think is a dumb jock. He isn't. He's just finding his way, the way everyone is. I think I just don't feel stable enough myself for a relationship anyways. The ground feels kind of liquidy underneath me. But Geordie isn't a stupid footballplayer. True, he isn't grown up in alot of ways, but none of us are. He IS something special to me.... he's just not THAT anymore. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, but that's just the way I feel right now, you know? that's just the way it is. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I guess I do because I know what he MEANT to me... he still means so much to me, but I'm very thankful I got out of that relationship. If not then, then never. I woulda just dragged it on, and I'd rather feel wobbly on my feet now then feel like there are 50pound weights attatched to each of my legs. That's what it felt like. It wasn't his fault it did, really. I just need room to breathe. So alot of it is me, and alot of it him, and alot of it is stupid shit that neither of us have any influence on at all. Either way, I'm single and happy. Happy happy, on the whole. Perhaps not every second of the day. I do feel stabbing pangs sometimes when I think of my guitar or certain songs, but they aren't gutwrenching ones like they were on that last night with Jordan. I was aching so much that night, looking at him. Hearing the words. But I was smiling, and my smile wasn't fake. He was gonna be happy, and I knew I'd eventually be happy, and i KNOW that if she let's him, he'll do everything he can to make her happy. So I cried and I smiled through my tears, becuase there's more to life than sexual contact and romantic relationships.
I think I was starting to forget that. I was starting to forget who I was before all this stuff with guys came along. I think if you constantly relationship hop, you forget who you really, really are underneath. And it's that that makes you attractive to someone else in the first place. What are you if you've been in so many relationships for so long that you're just a pretty no one? Maybe thats why relationships can fizzle out in a year or two or maybe less. People forget just who they are underneath, and then don't realize that they've changed. I need to find me again. I need to consult my 12 year old self. She's kind of like my god. she's my conscience. no good, and no evil, just 12 year old me in my head. I was cool at twelve. I was blunt and logical and smart. Not too hormonally driven, but enough to undertstand the birds, the bees, and all the other creatures around me. so my 12 year old me knocks some sense into the now me every now and again. My me as a mom with kids peeps in sometimes too, but only on the rare occaision. Just because I haven't became her yet doesn't mean she's not there and watching me. she's watching me writing this write now, as a memory, just like i can see myself last summer with jen. True, I can't change what happened back then, but I can still look at it, observe, and see what I would have done better. i think that if the present can do that to the past, the future can do it to the present. She's watching me right now, probably shaking her head at my little heart and all it's wayward veins. I want to do things now that will make her proud in the future. so that when I'm her I can look back at now, which will be her past, and be proud of me. That's how I look at it. today is tomorrows past, frozen on a timeline that you can't fix. but tomorrow... well... you can certainly change tomorrow. You can shape that timeline however you want to, but you have to bear in mind that when you look back into ten seconds from now when you're 20 seconds away from here, you'll be looking at a frozen pice of time that you can't ever change.
I suppose this has been a good couple of minutes of your life that I've taken from you and you'll never really get back, haha. Good choice, way to spend you're life. god I'm chatty when you coop me up too long. I have words in my blood, I tell ya. I'm can't stop writing freely like this, it gives me piece. And poetry helps me understand myself. My 12 yearold self puts wisdom in my words now and then, and I reread and find them.
ok, i know this is long and dragging on, but no one asked ya to read it, so I won't apologize. I want to be Pocahontas. Yup, the animated chick from the disney movie. I was watching it last night with the little ones, and she is just so cool. She gets it, she understands. John Smith's a kind guy too. I can see why she wants him. but yeah, Pocahontas is pretty (I was trying to convince Jord that I can look just like her, lol), smart, and she does what she knows in her heart is right. The whole world is telling her that she is wrong, that war is the only way, and she stops a whole friggin war, all because she was brave and strong and willing to risk her head for it. She found her path and didn't just walk down it, she ran, because she realized it was high time for her to get to where she was heading to. I want to be like Pocahontas. She is super, super cool. this is soooo long.

*Gawd Dammit!*

*sigh* That was one long ass freewrite, but I needed all that outta my head and somewhere real.

I'm thoroughly tired, so I'll just re-read this then go to sleep.

good night.
p.s. I re read and ended up writing from "I think I was starting to forget that." To "*Gawd Dammit!*". I think I'll seriously just fill in the title mood, what I'm listening to, and go to bed. Not another revision. Because seriously, if you've read this thing from top to bottom, everyword, you deserve a gold star, or at least a clap (possibly to wake you up...)
I am currently Empty
I am listening to The odd silence thats in my head right now after writing so much