Epiphany
06/06/2003 01:06 a.m.
If that's how you spell that work, I never know. English majors can't spell, that's part of our charm. Anyway, been thinking about friendship/love a lot, especially since I saw Phoebe, my best friend in the world. I get used to not seeing her because we are always off in different directions, but after spending 10 straight days with her in Europe, I realize how much I need her and miss her. She's one of the people that really understands me and cares about me. It seems like I have allowed myself to be let down so many times in the last few months by people. Especially one person in particular. I guess I just expect honesty from my friends, even when it's harsh, and he didn't have the balls for that. Oh well. Phoebe is the only person I know where I don't feel like the friendship is temporary, or that she is only friends with me because she is waiting for someone better. I'm so tired of feeling like the person people spend time with while they are waiting for someone better to come along. I don't want to be that transitional person anymore, I want to be that best person for someone. Blah blah, bitch bitch. I guess I've come to the realization that I freak out too much about everything. When I date someone, I'm sitting there on the first date thinking "Where is it going? WHERE?" It's total crap and I guess the first step to solving the problem is realizing there is a problem, fixing it is the hard part. I just want to be asexual, and not need a relationship. I guess I'm not really co-dependent. I mean, it's been over 6 months since Marcos and I was single for 2 years before him. I think I just want the relationship "benefits" right now. If you know what I mean. I'm not ready to dive into another long-term committment. Actually, and ego-booster guy would probably be the best solution. Oh, here's a random note. Yesterday, I ate about 3/4 of a pound of See's candy. I felt so sick afterwards, but at the same time, content. Adrianne and I are planning a Girly Night for tomorrow. Facials, vodka, chocolate, Ice cream, Sex and the City, nail painting, everything. It'll be fun. Anyway, I gotta go, if I stay on here any longer, I might get fired. Cso!
I am currently Tired
I am listening to English Beat-Sooner or Later