Long ass semi-emotional entry.
04/25/2003 04:50 a.m.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I needed to get that out.
God I'm sorry for everything lately. I'm sorry for all of it. I apologized to Adam for freaking out at him, and even HE told me not to apologize, cuz he knew he was being an asshole. God... I care about Adam, he's a nice guy, and I hate having to get mad at him but as a drummer he's a cocky bastard who thinks he too good to play and at times I hate him, even though I don't. I'm sorry that I say stupid things that make other people (person) feel uncomfortable, like today after this "touring grade 7's" thing at school. Arg. Everythings kinda crazy right now. I can deal, but it makes my head and my heart hurt. By caring about one guy, just this particular one, I'm hurting 2 people... indirectly 3 because one is getting mad at him for caring about me. And I don't blame her. Most of all I'm sorry for hurting her. God I don't want to, I really don't, she doesn't deserve it, but when I see him I go weak. I can't help the way I feel about him... and it's getting stronger every day. Not seeing him doesn't help, because when I don't see him at lunch or 'tween classes I'm just wishing he'll jump around the corner. And now she's mad at him, and I want to save both of them from that, but I can't, just like I can't stop whats happening between me and- ugh, this sucks...

But I wouldn't trade the world for this feeling, and that's why I feel so horrible. It's like "hmmm.. the world or falling madly in love with a guy like this...." If you knew him, you'd get my point. I'm smiling any time he's near. it's crazy, I can't help it. I heard he was at barbaras house today, and apparently everyone heard me be like(over the phone) "What, he's there?!" (Half out of surprise, and half at the prospect of seeing him tonite, which I did when he and barb and her bf came to help me). And then I see her (not Barb) glaring out of the corner of my eye and I want to run and hide, or grab him and run and hide, or just hug her and say "It's alright, I'm not in love with him" but lying wont help the situation, now will it? 2 months... 2 months until she's gone (and I'm sad, genuinely, because she's a good person, and a good friend. You'd think I'd be happy that she's leaving, but I'm not.) And you know what else? I'm not all that jealous when I see them together. I'm not like "oh I wish I was her." Thats not whats in my head. I see them together and I'm just happy to see them happy. I want them both to be happy, but that's not how it's working. I can't change the way I feel, and even if I could, I wouldn't. Hard as this is, I'm happy like this. Not with what it's doing to people, but like I said "Him, or the world?"....
Stress stress stress... oh well
no regrets, right?


(ps, my mood is really "confused and yet happily tormented" lol, but evil seems to work well in it's stead.)
I am currently Evil
I am listening to The comp humming, the clock on the wall, and my own "whitenoise"