- REvon's Rant - Fortitude
03/31/2003 06:45 a.m.
I wish I had somewhere nearby that I could escape to, where I could be free from the glowing presence of all these electronic time wasters that seem to clutch at every shred of my attention. I want a tree fort. That's what I need! A tree fort, I've never had one before. The best I could ever come to was some hunter's abandoned deer blind, in all its rotten wood glory, surrounded by empty Bud Light cans and cigarette butts. There I would sit for as long as it took me to feel disconnected from whatever looming cloud of woe had formed and began pounding down on the fraile existance that was my family life. I always felt severe jealousy towards kids that had real tree forts. I felt jealous of kids that had trees! Back yards and trees, and a fort. Lucky bastards. Somehow I doubt mom would have let me convert the balcony of our 3rd floor apartment into a fort. I was forced out away from our "home" to find somewhere to let my mind wander beyond spackled ceilings and drywall. Most times the best I could do was some kind of utility shed that was wedged on a small peninsula that was surrounded by three large placid trash ridden drainage ponds. This shed was not a place I should have been, broken glass from windows and beer bottles, an assortment of porno magazines, bugs, and tetanus nightmare of nails, screws, and jagged metal.
Maybe it made me tough, but I think maybe it twisted me out of the easygoing innocence that other kids enjoyed in their tree forts, family picnics, and nightlights, it forced me to realize that I would have to take care of myself, because even as young as I was, I felt that I was the only person I could trust to always be there. Anyone else was just temporary. I'm trying to break that way of thinking, but it's like trying to scratch out what someone wrote in cement twelve years ago, it never really goes away, it just gets worn by footprints.