Entity to Performance
03/10/2003 05:53 p.m.

Long time since I saw this thing. *blows off all the dust* It's been yet a while since my last post but alas I must write again. Not everything in Matty's little world has been spectacular in all ways of wonder.

I recently made the decision to pull some things out of my room (that's not my room anymore) that I need to put in a safer place due to the abusive party that has congregated to it. A freedom of one's stuff has been endangered and some in ways destroyed that were once of no value but meant a lot. I have arrangements to pull this stuff out immediately following this winter's bitterness. That will leave not much of anything left in that room but themselves.

I recently ran into a dilemma at work that I just can not understand. I have been taking Electronic Engineering for 3 years now, only to be placed in this job that has nothing to do with electronics. Granted, this is an electrical firm that I'm in but what I do does not entail much for what I learned these past 3 years. One if not both project managers are becoming upset with me because I haven't been my best the last couple weeks due to an infection running around rampid in school. I can't do their secretarial work for them because I'm not in. I don't feel that this position is worth carrying if I'm not going to be challenged with the work that I want to do that I have gone to school for. I feel that I've gotten people that are saying, take it because no one ever gets a job that they will like. Haha...I feel that I can and will have a job I like. I believe that people that do not like their jobs probably never went to school for that particular job in the first place. Or some people say....most beginners have to start somewhere. Well, I disagree because a few of my friends have top positions in their company. One walked into the company and became a project manager right off the spot. I don't find that very beginner-like. I feel that I am going to have a talk with my advisor here at school because this is not right that I would have such a displaced position in my college field.

I've been so tired that last 2 weeks and I'm not sure if it has to do with work or the stressed out factor. I've been wanting to get to the gym more and work out the stress that is built up inside me but I'm always too worn out from running around work like a chicken with it's head cut off. I don't feel that I will be able to any time soon. I have so much to vent off that it's getting to the point where it's just too late.

People seem to be seeing that I am an advantage to make myself feel like the lowest human alive. If I had some sort of something wrong with someone or just an opinion, they would turn it around and put it on me like it was all my fault. I'm probably not putting this the right way but that's how I feel. I don't feel that I'm doing things on purpose but feel that for a mistake that I do, it's like a war is going to break out over that one mistake. People make mistakes and a lot of people hold strong grudges against the people that do make the mistakes. I know what I want in my life and I feel that people just don't want that in me. I have strong goals and some days, people don't want me to be that strong. That's a good reason why I don't like going home anymore. I feel low because I'm stronger (mentally). I feel that I can withstand a good challenge, but when I'm there, because people may not be on the same level as me, I'm completely out of the picture. I don't want to make it seem selfish, but I want to put it in a perspective that I can be on some level with someone else and not feel "too smart" or "too bright" to be around someone. It always tends to happen and I just don't get it.

I feel that my life has taken a sharp turn. Not necessarily for the bad, but not for the better either. It seems that things have changed in the last couple of months that I feel has left an incredible mark on my life as a whole. I'll be 21 in two weeks and it just boggles my mind on how much information, how much change and how many things can happen in 21 years. Those of you who know me may understand this. Others who know me only on here may understand it from their point of view but for what has gone on in my life, could be different. Although everyone has had a difficulty in their life to speak about so I'd rather not put myself in the position that I'm more special than others because I have more problems. That's not my intention. Just as a general statement, a lot has happened in 21 years and I feel that that 21 years held the most change that took place for my whole life. I don't see much change in my life as I have in the past 21 years. It should all be smooth sailing with the occasional wind drifts to toss me a bit. But all and all, a good ride is expected.

Well, that's about it for now. A lot to fill. I have to start brainstorming some poetry ideas. I haven't written in a while so I better get crackin.