I think not to think
01/05/2003 03:20 a.m.

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002

I think not to think The first thought that came to my mind, when I woke up this morning, a couple of minutes ago, was ‘not to think’ and I smiled and thought ‘I think not to think’. I smiled because I found my INTENDING SELF present. I smiled because I found my self energized enough to get into a conflict with self/selves who would have carried me away to NOWHERE. My smile found an extra width in the paradox of ‘I think not to think’. Laughter (smile after all is a mild laughter) has a very peculiar but extremely positive and definite chemistry. But only, when the laughter is either innocent-an expression of pure joy- or when one laughs on one self-i.e., laughs one self out. As expression of pleasure it transmutes ‘crude energies’ into ‘finer energies’, which brings a ‘desired change’. But when the direction is towards one self, then it brings you face to face with your IT SELF (unintended self) and provides you a definite help in getting rid of this self. However this ‘expulsion’ might prove to be but the positive side is that you (your intending self) have taken a stand and this is a definite proof of your still being ALIVE. Laughter is always indicative of your WIN in the conflict you are with your self. And here I am writing my journal after a lapse of nine months- ha! ha! ha! This thought of my gestation period of nine months generates another mild laughter-and I can undoubtedly claim that these moments are ALIVE in all certainty (though quality wise they are not as ALIVE as they can be.) But ‘IT’ is programmed. ‘IT’ is what it is. ‘IT’ is powerful, manifesting in various ‘I’s’, which have umpteen associations, which are in fact its umpteen energy sources. ‘IT’ is nature. How can ‘I’ survive when the ‘I’ is placed against such a powerful opponent? The only course is a CONFLICT. A conflict between the INTENDED I and all other IT I’s. A conflict between the ‘I’ and the NATURE. A conflict between BEING and NOTHINGNESS. A conflict between YES and NO. It is said that one can only become REAL when one gets into this CONFLICT with what is not intended and WINS all the ENERGY SOURCES of these UNINTENDED SELVES. It is said that an ASTRAL BODY comes into being only with this FRICTION. If some body calls me a fool (slaps me) its NATURAL on my part to feel offended and hurt and get into a verbal dual or fight with the person who called me fool with hatred and violence with in. But if I UNNATURALLY decide to ignore him or give him a smile in response and pity him or think if he was wise enough to call me a fool (offer him my other cheek) then I am getting into conflict with ‘IT’. Needless to say that this conflict alone can strengthen my INTENDED SELF, provided that this INTENDED SELF will have to predetermine to come out as a WINNER in the end. Somebody once asked me as to how this somebody can become something. Again it goes without saying that one will have to have a permanent INTENDING SELF in order to BECOME what one is INTENDING to BECOME. This is probably the reason no body is what one intends to be in the absence of a real self. One is what IT makes one by accident.