Regretfully Yours
11/12/2002 06:56 p.m.

Well, what a wacky couple of weeks this has been. Most of my friends know about me now and my true friends understand and are there for me. I'm not sure about the others yet, since I've only heard from one of them that one time. Things are starting to catch up with me. It's not as easy as I thought it could get after telling my friends. It's hitting me hard now and I don't know exactly what it is that's bothering me. I spoke to a couple friends last night and told me I should talk to someone that knows or has been through what I'm going through now, so I can get a better knowledge on how to feel better about myself. I'm feeling really like my life is going no where and I'm hurting myself more and more each day because I don't know where to go. I'm losing sleep. I'm only getting a good 4 hours of sleep each night because I have so much on my mind. I'm having problems concentrating. My work is getting so difficult because I'm having a hard time concentrating on how to do it and the logic behind it. My professors are noticing and they ask me if I'm ok. I don't know how to approach that situation and I don't know what to tell them when/if I do approach it. I have to talk to someone but as a minority, I don't know who to talk to because I'm not around many people like me. I wish I knew what to do. All I want is to be happy and be on the better side of myself. No one ever knows how I feel because I walk out of my place every day with a smile on my face. Know one knows about me on the inside, no one knows my past. Frankly, I don't think anyone wants to. I want to sit down one on one with someone and just talk. Talk about everything I've gone through and everything I'm going through. Someone who will understand me and may know just how I should handle it.

My girls are my girls but I don't think they will understand. They are great girls and I love all of them to no end. My best friend wants to understand and he really wants to help, but he just doesn't know what to do. However, he knows of a couple people that I should talk to and is helping me out there to try and talk with one of them. My true friends are there for me as much as they can be and even though they don't know what to say or do, they are there for me and that's the greatest thing that they can ever do.

One of my online buddies is having a rough time. I don't know how to approach it, but he seems quiet and doesn't want to get involved in the situation. I'm not sure on how to help him out because I want to sit and talk with him so he can just let it all go. He's a good person and I know how he feels and how he wants to be happy. I hope things work out for him.

So much more to say and so little time to say it in. That's a chunk of it for now. Thanks for reading and for the good vent.