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The Journal of Angela Hanska Being truly honest...
10/10/2002 04:48 p.m.
In regards to my last journal entry, someone told me to just say what I feel. Well here goes:
I often feel I'm lacking in common sense, and insignificant in intelligence. I often feel that my intellect is not up where it should be, and that I feel inferior. Take the guy I'm seeing. He's really smart, and often I understand what he's saying. But then on occasions I don't have a clue. I, on occassion, seriously don't see what he sees in me. I mean, there's no way I could ever catch up to his intelligence, but then probably a lot of people couldn't. Yet I have the feeling that maybe, at one time in my life when I was younger, that I could have been quite smart. According to my folks I was one smart cookie when I was younger and it looks like my sister is following the same path. However, I won't allow society (her peers) impose on her baracades like it did to me.
Another thing is that I often feel that I'm not good enough. I find myself second guessing myself quite often. For instance, I want to go to RIT. Its got everything I could possibly want in a higher education learning institution. Its got my major (or going to be), co-op, and its close but not too close to home, so I could visit when I need to. However, I often feel as if I'm not of the right calibur to go there. The students that I've met from there so far, are of way higher intellegence. Not to mention, I often think that I won't be able to hack it there. I would be afraid that I would fail, and then waste the money that I had paid for the classes, and that would mean that the money was wasted if I didn't do well. If there is one thing I've learned in life, is that money is one thing you can't be frivelous with.
On another note, there's my friends. There's one friend that I have realized lately I have been treating pretty shabily. I mean, she's a good friend but on occassion she gets on my nerves. Well, actually on occassion everyone gets on my nerves including myself. Anyway, I'm not always very nice to her and I should be. She's been through a hell of a life rougher than mine. And I'm not talking about split-family, step-siblings, drunk in the family type. I mean the overly-religios parents that are forcing a religion on a person that doesn't want it. She has her personal problems too. However, since her mom screwed up as a teen, her mother has put more restrictions on her than is neccessary. And her adopted dad is really religious and her mom often sides with him. So she's not always allowed a lot of freedoms. On top of everything, she's an only child... So I have a feeling that I do owe an apology for not being the type of friend she needs right now.
I also feel a bit inferior to my best friend. She's got everything going for her. She's confident, smart, knows where she's going in life. She's always the life of the party, and always knows how to cheer someone up, or be there for them when they need it. She's the rope that keeps me grounded. And I don't think I've told her how much I really appreciate all that she's done for me.
Another thing is that the guy I'm seeing has so much control. Something that I've always wanted to have when I needed it, and never have. He's everything that I've ever wanted to be in life (at least when I was younger). When society stuck its nose in my life however, my life took a completely different turn and I ended up more guarded about what I said to who and why. That blockade is still in effect today, however due to the help of several of my close and dear friends, I've been able to bring down the blockade some. I feel it will always be there no matter how much time passes.
Fears are another thing that has been brought to my attention that I should be truly honest about. I've kept most of my fears deep down, buried so far down that I would never recognize them. Lately in my last couple of dreams they have been brought up and placed right in front of me. Some would say just ignore them, but that's easier said than done due to the fact that I have a very photographic memory in some cases, and often can remember my dreams. This is one that is burned into my brain. I can't rid myself of it, or forget it. These occurences have caused me to analyze my fears and thougts a little more closely.
I think that's about it for now... and as for the title of this journal entry "Being truly honest..." the whole point was that I be totally and truly honest with myself.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to myself think
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