Nothing More
10/02/2002 04:27 a.m.

There is nothing more to say about what think about everyday, nor have I said anything about me. I've been up and down the rollercoaster from hell and just can't grasp why I'm the way I am. I am told I'm a great guy by many but sit in a pool of emptiness alone as everyone is else watches me drown. I don't know what I like, who I like or how I like them. I know I like something but to know exactly what it is, is hard to determine. I can't see me as me. Who am I?

It's almost time to tell, or maybe not. Do they need to know now? Should they know? They are my friends, my close close friends. Anything that would turn their heads would jeopardize everything I've ever had with them. But on the same side of things, do I really want to be this down all the time? Do I want to feel so unhappy that nothing will ever be fun for me? Why should I worry about things I shouldn't need to worry about when I'm only a college student?

Too many questions, to little answers. Someone right for me. Someone to show me the way.

I'm too strong for some and too weak for others. Let me see that happiness I saw as a child without the abuse or neglect I have been through. Teach me the right way to know and act and cherish those around me, instead of when my childhood was locked up in the house of horrors.

I've been through too much as a kid, and now it faces me eye to eye as it rips me in pieces and tortures my life in ways never to be thought of. It ruins my self-esteem, my ability to be with people and my ability to have a responsible relationship without getting nervous that something is going to happen to it.

Happiness???? Not for a while. I'm lucky if that will ever be. No one will ever see the dark side of me, because no one wants to. I can't say I'm a horrible person because I'm not. But deep inside, I am not a great person but a confused, worthless piece of shit that can not deal with being me.

There is no one I can truely trust except for a selected few. And those are who are scared of who I am becoming and just don't know what to do or say. Logic and common sense brought me a long way in my life and will continue to provide me with the knowledge to succeed, but I feel that I will be emotionally distraught because there is no one that is in my league that wants to know me for me. I guess there's nothing more that I can do except moan and groan, and I think I will have to stop that now.