The Journal of Madeline Lamb

Travels to Toyland
07/26/2010 07:23 a.m.
This weekend:

I roadtripped to Austin, to an apartment where I am constantly reassured that I'm loved. It's wonderful there. We went to a toy store, and a clothing store and wandered around the drag and south austin. In summary:

checkered cake, cherry rum & ice cream out of teacups. A pretty redhead’s backseat that fit 6 people. Too much milkshake! Neverending art, everflowing vodka. Making bracelets, making merry. I got tired of being dry and walked into a pool with all of my clothes on, and didn’t get out until the word “cops” was thrown around. JET turned 26, and told me I was perfect. JTR shrieked at a blind man.

Andy drove all the way from Arkansas with Ivy just to fall asleep on the floor. He was nice and gave ariel and sophia his last two cigarettes. James told us a bedtime ghost story about a murderer falsely accused of tax fraud. I slept on a bare mattress with 3 other people, and the christmas lights stayed on all night. Then, thrift stores and cute cashiers and 99 cent necklaces. A long ride home, a long night up painting and reading and discussing all manners of things with my friends.

Today I watched movies at Conner's house and found out that my ex got out of a hurtful relationship. I'm happy for him.

This form of life needs ____________.
I am currently Blessed

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Dear James,
07/09/2010 10:20 a.m.
Sorry I've been so utterly ridiculous these past couple of months. It's not you, I promise. Hawai'i, and Sean, helped me realize something- It's not you that I miss. Granted, I do miss you. I miss your smile and your smell and your energy. I miss your eyes and your tattoos and your "What's up I'm James" attitude.

But I have full faith that we'll meet again at some point- stumbling blind through this city, before my final 18 months here is out, we will run into one another in a cafe or perhaps some darkened street, and laugh and catch up like old times. Even in a town so huge, our souls can find each other. They did it before, after all.

What I do miss is the hope. Really, more than anything, when you entered my life I thought I might have found what I was looking for. I liked you a lot, we clicked- I felt like I stood on the precipice of the love I always wanted. I was excited. I miss that excitement! I was addicted to it, the idea that for now, I had found it in you.

That was kind of unfair to you, but given that you were oblivious to most of it, c'est la vie. I'm not bitter, I'm not upset. I wish you the best, and clearly what's best for you doesn't involve a relationship right now. Don't take this the wrong way boy, but you need to get your head on straight!

I was prepared to accept you, crazy and all, for the chance at the love I've wanted for so long. A mistake? Perhaps. I'm going to grow up anyways, as Ariel says. I might as well do it madly.

But having that hope and losing it in the span of a few months made me realize that it will happen. Obviously I'm an impatient soul who would rather have it sooner than later. All that buildup with no result- thing is, eventually I'm going to meet someone who I'll have that same buildup with. Circumstance won't get in the way. And we'll run wild together.

Ciao, James. I'll see you in that cafe, or on that dark street after we've both had a couple downtown. You're a rare person,
and I hope it all works out for you.
I am currently Nostalgic

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The Life of an Empty Keg
05/24/2010 11:47 p.m.
Well at this point
I'm not even sure I live in this city.
I know little places that mean so much to me,
red metro diner with its crispy sausage
and the mural of the surprised chef declaring that they're

"Always cookin!"

I wish I was always cookin'. But now,
it's just me in an empty house
with an empty keg.

And I'm not even sure I live in this house
couch-surfing in my childhood home
and watching the ocean's waves
crest and trough in my royal blue solo cup:
Daddy's little princess.

And I'm sure you've heard by now
of how Zeus made men with four arms and two faces,
split them down the middle,
and doomed them to forever seek their other half.

The antique tv blares at me that a baby was born in india
the result of chemical milk
with however many arms and heads.

And I'm wondering if I was born that way,
nobody told me I used to be a complete human-of-zeus
nobody told the doctors those legends,
so they just neatly cleaved off my "extras"
and made me a lonely bastard, just like them.

I'm not even sure I live on mount Olympus
but this theory of mine is nonsense:
This sort of emptiness must be self-inflicted.
I am currently Dumb

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