The Journal of Timothy Wilson|
Part of an old song I dug up I called the song "Idle hands"
08/05/2011 09:53 p.m.
My head is tired my whole world is spinning and my heart's half out the door
I’m hanging here by a far off memory of how it was before
The people watching waiting for me to make a better move
I guess it’s better to watch me suffer idle then admit they’ve got nothing to do
An angry man with no one to point at and I’m at a loss of words
I just woke up to an empty sky raining dry sand down to the earth
But Idle hands are the devil’s playthings
It’s not right to have to fake things
IF I wake up tomorrow in your arms
Will you still have your devilish charm?
Or will you be the face of the end
No time to plan anymore, I gotta go
At my life’s end
"really bad, I know, but it's fun to look at old crappy lyrics and junk"
I am currently Sexy
I am listening to "make damn sure" by Taking back Sunday
Douche bags are back in style
07/22/2011 04:13 a.m.
I’m starting to feel like real life is so tragically reflecting high-school. Its food chain has just been flipped upside down. At the top, you’ve got your corporate dick heads draining money and life and claiming the American dream like America trying to claim the moon. It’s sick. They’re the bullied smart nerdy kids so disheartened in mankind that they set out to get revenge. I hypothesize that sociopathic behavior is probably more common on Wall Street than prison, but no one has the balls to test it. On the other end the jocks are your local construction workers, sign-wavers and line cooks. Their cheerleader girlfriends are strippers and whores. I’m still stuck in the middle. I always thought high school was temporary but that little morsel of hope dangling in front of me, keeping me going has been taken away with a realistic slap in the face. It’s disheartening but at least they really were preparing us for real life. My mother, gotta love her, was talking about god knows what with the bottle in her hands, and somehow she brought up how douche bags are obsolete and women keep clean with soap, sprays, and sanitary wipes these days. I said “Mom I beg to differ, I believe douche bags are back in style.” She looked at me oddly shrugged it off with another swig, and we were soon talking about taxes. It started me thinking how much of a conversation I usually end up having with myself, but it’s fine at least I can count on avoiding an argument. I kissed my mom goodbye, and said, “have you read the paper lately?” she responds “yesterday why?” so I respond “I’m telling you Douche bags are back in style” she laughed this time. Sometimes I feel like packing for Italy but I wonder if they need my transcripts from the united states of high school. Hopefully my credits will transfer. Sadly a nonfiction.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to "Never there" by Cake
Alien to contempt
07/21/2011 12:21 a.m.
So let's see. I went to barns and noble with Ally today. It was fun. I bought her a book for her birthday and a cd of a German Cello band that does really cool instrumental covers of pop culture songs. that was pretty badass.... ummm my house is clean and everything’s good, so I'm just waiting to take my American lit final tomorrow. I'm sorry this journal entry is lame, but I just don't know what to do when everything is going right... it's very foreign and even a bit uncomfortable for me... I'm either going to walk the dogs now or go for a run but I just needed to get the awkward sense of wellbeing off of my chest. It so stifles creativity its almost counterproductive for an expressive person to feel ok. Funny because earlier today I was talking to Lauren singer about this very issue... funny how it kind of played out in my day. I've got a little money in my pocket the brutal sun is hiding for now and I'm just relaxed. I feel out of place in my own life which in turn can slowly turn me back into a slump but just between you and me, I think i might fight it off for a little while. Don't tell anyone.:)
I am currently Fine
I am listening to "dream on" -Aerosmith-
Don't touch that Dial
07/09/2011 06:47 a.m.
I am talking to Alison. She cracks me up. I haven't slept more than a grand total of 2 hours in the past 3 days. I'm probably going to look at this poetry that I've written yesterday and today, and wrap my mouth around the barrel of a shotgun. Or I could just delete it but something has got to happen I'm sure. I am eating a cold meximelt from T-bell and drinking flat dollar store "cola". I'm tired and it feels funny. Just thought I would keep you posted on my crazy taboo life. (That was sarcasm; I know I could write the worst autobiography ever)So I went to the dollar store to scratch the itch to shop and spent 23 big ones tonight. Got some fucking dollarific treasures from this place. I haven't talked to anyone on the phone save for a quick "how ya do" with my mother and a "Wanna get drunk" to my brother (who said no, he was busy and postponed for tomorow). My back is fucking killing me, and I think I'm getting a cold sore. Ew did I just broadcast that. I need a hair cut, and I got tan yester day from mowing the lawn. Now I have to piss and this is starting to sound like an eternal fucking facebook post from some buzzcut shithead with sideburns and a popped collar. Sorry. Real life drama here in fucking Peewee's playhouse eh? Thank you for your time, and stay tuned for a sneak peak at the next episode of "Confessions of a dull person" after a quick word from our sponsors. :)
I am currently Seductive
I am listening to "If I was your vampire" by Marilyn Manson and Tim Skold
07/08/2011 04:16 a.m.
I just finished reading "Many Lives Many Masters" and I have never been so blown away or directly influenced by a book. That book is the truth and after reading it, I must say if you don't read this book you are depriving yourself of a spirtitual tantric orgasm that will devour everything you felt before leaving your broken ego to quickly repair and enrich your exsistance with the complete truth. Please read this book.
I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to "motion sickness" by Bright eyes
That's all folks
07/04/2011 06:37 a.m.
Timmy James Wilson feels inappropriate. I feel like a stripper at a five-year-old's birthday party or a homeless man in a Bostonian church wearing an I heart NY shirt singing off key and holding a sign up that says I’m too Jewish for my shopping cart. I can’t tell you how, but that perfectly applies to my life and state of mind lately in a way so extreme and ironic that it’s more synonym than metaphor. As I said, I can’t tell you how but if you truly grasp the embarrassing sore thumb sticking out syndrome that I am trying to explain, then there’s no need for me to elaborate. I want to stand on the highest peak of the highest mountain yelling “I am just so effing sorry forgive me everyone for _” anyone can fill in their own blank(s) as fitting to the individual. I guess the overall force on my emotions that I feel from all this BS is just an inexplicable (almost instinctual) desire to hide under or behind something large and overbearing. Kill me now. It’s like being called to the front of the class with an erection and standing their longer than you need to even though everyone is laughing at you and you feel like jumping off a bridge. So there you have it my life up to date without describing any actual events emotions facts or locations. By God, it takes talent to be this fucking obnoxious.
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to "Cocain blues" -Johnny Cash
I can put a cigarette out on my tongue does that make me human?
01/10/2011 06:09 a.m.
I thought that with getting older, things would get better. I'm starting to feel depressed again. My writing stopped in the last two months all that's in my favorite journal is an entry that says "dear diary, I'm an asshole". Everything is fine in my life it's all me. I feel like everything I thought would make me better has become useless and that's why under that entry it says "Ps. happiness doesn't by happiness" it's just like every day is so gloomy and rainy but the weather is great here in sunny effing Florida, the newly crowned rainy state. I'm just walking around all day self medicating in between shifts at a job i hate making money i do nothing with. And the medicating is so counterproductive because I'm too cynical to believe anything can actually help me. It's an anti placebo effect that has gotten to the point of alcohol not typically leading to drunkenness. I feel so numb and stupid, so maybe my "happy" pills are working. I have this one simple unquenchable thirst to answer an obvious question, "why are we here?" but the more i think about it, why it matters. in some cases inquisitive people are very helpful, you know the kind of people that say things such as "how do we cure cancer" but philosophy-minded fools like myself can ask why the sky is blue and it doesn't matter why because life would go on. God could descend and whisper the answer in my ear, hell even in the world's ear but would everything not go on the same way? Maybe i just need to believe in fait. I don't know much but inside my head has become such a cold and dark yet void place that it's nearly unbearable. I'm writing a ton tonight but the spring-loaded keys on my computer are laughably pathetic against the weight i need to lift off my chest.
I am currently Troubled
I am listening to Run gunner run by coheed and cambria
Sorry it's been so long... just didn't want to write...
10/21/2010 05:47 a.m.
I wanted to apaulogize. I have not written in so long, because well, I didn't want to. life has gone to poo. :(
I'm tired of being young, but I don't want to grow old.
03/19/2010 05:21 a.m.
I purchased my first home today, and I have to say I feel accomplished. I'm just at a strange place in my life where the rebellious adolescent in me is saying F**** slowing down, and the more mature and practical, although still in development, part of me is saying "you have a good career, family life, and financial stability it's time to plant your roots in the ground." I just can't quite see myself drinking coffee and clipping out coupons in the Sunday paper in my bathrobe at 7:00 am petting the old golden retriever and yelling to my wife in the other room that diapers are half off at target. My visual still realistically tells me that I should wake up around 4:00 pm on Sunday hung over in half the clothes I wore last night on a young ladies sofa, with bed head and a five o clock shadow smelling of my finest cigarette and beer cologne. Yes, I am proud of myself, and of course I plan to live in my new three bedroom two bath home with a fenced in yard, I'm simply unsettled by the fact that I am getting older and maturing at a "normal" rate and the golden childhood days of dreaming big, partying hard, sleeping little, and playing the field (all of which I missed out on) are far behind me and never a possibility of retrieval in my one shot here at life as I know it. This inner controversy seams petty, to many but its driving me damn near mad, and taking the happiness out of my achievements. I am the pro and antagonist. Big freaking power struggle that is my sanity, eh?
The me affect
11/20/2009 03:26 a.m.
A thinking chain broke in my head and gears overloaded today. I thought of a lot of things unthinkable. I want to make a drug that "intoxicates" the user into seeing the world the exact way i do. everything will look and be translated the same. I'll call it the me affect. Screw walking in my shoes, it's time to understand. I have a hard time communicating what I think, how I feel, and my perspectives in general on genarly everything. In essence I want to make People understand that to each is own is not some cliche' annoyance of a buzz in the ear mumbo jumbo load of a worn out phrase. It is an "is" an existance like infinaty itself. Everyone should have them, we can all go around selling our own brands of "me" drug and before you know it we'll reach the realization that We're all mirrored: the same but completely apposing in and on every aspect and plane. we'll reach a single conciousness and bring ourselves to the god-like overlord buhdist life force in the sky. Sidways figure eight anyone? whose with me on this idea. I'm only dumb enough to think it up not smart enough to make it work eh. I should be on meds....
I am currently Bemused
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