The Point of all Stuff
01/19/2005 12:27 a.m.

Second day of work has come and gone and let me tell you, I have learned a lot of things in the last couple days I've been there. I'm starting to get a bit more comfortable in the office and all. It's really good to get to know people in the office because I can laugh and have a good time when I know who they are...lol....

I'm starving for more to learn tho. I love to learn more things and watching them is just making me want to get deeper into it. I keep telling myself "one step at a time" but a web guy like me just doesn't want to quit....not yet anyway....hehe...not for a while.

My boss just gave her notice today, she is going to do something on her own with web designs and things like that. I wish her the best of luck. It's fun but a lot of work, but I know that she can handle it. She's cool.

I'm starting to look for another job, ever since my little incident at CVS, they haven't put me back on the schedule after I have told them I would like to go back on. They are also not getting back to me on the update for my claim from my accident. I'm getting really annoyed because I have been on the phone with different people constantly trying to find out what is taking so long and to make sure I don't get charged for the hospital visit. It's CVS's responsibility, they need to pay the bill.

So yeah, things are on the up and up on average. Well, except for the temps. I feel like in 20 years I'll be saying..."When I was younger, I used to walk in sub-zero temperatures, naked, in 20 ft high snow drifts over my head with no boots....." (you know the stories from your parents and grandparents?).....It was f'n cold out there....

Well that's it for now. I'll check back in with time....lataz

New Internship
01/16/2005 02:13 a.m.

Yeah so I finally got an internship.....unpaid...but hey it's something. Working at Boston's #1 Hit Music Station. Can anyone guess what it is? It's a great station.

Anyway, I'm loving it. I've only been there one day so far but it was a great first day. I met a lot of people and really had a lot of laughs with everyone. My boss is fantastic and so is the other girl I work with as well. Very nice and great personalities. This is definitely a place I can see myself at.

It's great that I finally found something that I love to do. I mean, I know I will do well with this internship because it's so much fun and well worth going into work and doing something that has interested me for such a long time.

These next 13 or so weeks are going to be the best weeks of my entire Wentworth educational career. Woohoo.

Another Day
11/22/2004 03:38 a.m.

It's another day and another journal entry. How can someone call someone else "stupid" and think they can get away with it? Whether jokingly saying it or seriously saying it, it is really taken as a serious insult and it really hurts someone. Where do people get away with it? I just don't understand it.

School is going well. I am back on track and trying to get all the work made up that I can.

I have another journal that I post in as well if you would like to check it out. www.xanga.com/stabledepiphany

That's about it for now. I'll get back on this soon.

Totally Confused
11/11/2004 11:50 p.m.

Ok the entry on 11/3 was a bit out of context. In fact it was just one of those days...which I completely understand. Everyone has them....

Today feels different though. There was something about today that just hit me harder than a wrecking ball to a building. And for some reason, it really truely feels like I am the one in the wrong, once and for all.

I have done so much with my life. I have grown up with parents who were alcholics, drug addicted and who knows what else. I've grown up with no true friends who really enjoyed hanging around with me because I had no social life. I've been made fun of to the point that I just wanted to end it all. But I just kept on going. I moved several times to different places, never could hold a job because of where I lived and the lack of transportation I had from work to home. I helped in a huge part to take care of my grandparents when they were ill and injured. I helped around the house when they needed it most. I put my part in as much as I could. I gave up even trying to create a social life for myself just to be with the family.

All I did was go off to school. That's all I did. What is so wrong about continuing my education and moving into the city? I was leaving most of my stuff behind because quite honestly, I didn't want to bring everything I had with me to school. That would be a whole lot.

Stuff gets tossed around, broken, battered, lost, rummaged through from people who I would not expect to be doing such things. And no apology. No consideration to me what so ever. How would you feel? How would anyone feel to see their stuff broken, memories shattered, personal information rummaged through? Pretty awful isn't it? With no apology. And the one time I step up to the plate to at least let them know how upset I am about it, I am the one to blame for it. It's my fault that all of it happened. Well why? Why is it my fault that some 15 year old punk decided to destroy my things or rummage and invade my personal space? And where were the parents when he did it and never did anything about it? And why wasn't anything said to me and I had to go up there myself and look at what he did? And yet no apology.

And then I get invited to a wedding. I thought, wow he's getting married. I'll let it slide and things will get better from there. Sure, he was handsome and she was beautiful, but the kids don't even have respect. No respect for the wedding. So what do I do? I suffer through and make it the best day for them as possible knowing that at least one of the kids is actually caring about the marriage of two great people. And I note that in this journal. I get a phone call telling me that I hurt thier feelings for telling the truth in my journal, and that I should keep a journal to myself and no one should ever read it. I am being told that I have to run my life a certain way, their way and that's the only way I should live? No, that's not the way it's gonna go. I will not fall to that level. I said what I said because it was meant to be said. Everyone knows it, everyone will know it because it will never be forgotten.

And they are upset at me because of that? Because I told the truth of what really happened at the wedding. I was at that house every single day helping out, doing my part to keep the house clean and help out as much as I could. And what I get in return is a slap in the face with it's my fault that my things are where they are now. It's my fault that my desk was in shambles when I found it. It's my fault that I said what I said in my journal. This is all of what they think. And none of them will ever understand the pain I have.

Although, there was one person who did understand. One person that bless his soul I will always remember. My uncle was a dear man. He told me that he was proud of me. Proud to see my accomplishments and see me on my feet. Proud to be in a relationship so strong and to always be careful what I do with myself. He cared. He let me stay at his house for the wedding because there was no room at the house where I used to live. He drove me where I needed to be not just because it was important, but also because he cared and he wanted to. It was never an obligation that he had to do anything for me. He wanted to. As much of a pain in the neck he was and we always argued about things, he was the one that really gave a damn about me. The one who really saw eye to eye with me. And that one great person, died.

I was leaving to go to the train station today. Everything was just running behind. I was running behind. But the train wasn't. I got there and ran to the train, and got on the wrong train by mistake. I sat there and watched as the other train was leaving, just to realize that the train that left was my train. So angry, I got off the train, got on the subway and came home. I was going to say good bye to someone who really cared about me, and I missed the train. But it just wasn't that train that I could have caught. I could always get another an hour later, but I decided not to. Why? Because it wasn't worth it. Going to a service that I would see people that really didn't care about what I did and probably wouldn't even be happy with me being there. I was going to say good bye to one person. Not have the fight with all of them.

Of course I feel bad for my cousins and my aunt. They are good people. Good at heart, always great to see them smile and laugh and hang out with them. But I just couldn't face them there. I couldn't put myself with them with the other people there. It wouldn't be right to me. It wouldn't be right for them. I have my times to say good bye to my uncle. But it's not good bye really. It's I'll see you around. Those who care about you never leave you. And those of you that have lost loved ones can agree, they never leave you. There is always a part of them there, with you, always. So I will always have my uncle to talk to, just like Nana. She's always there to talk to when you need her. Always watching to make sure that you're still making them proud.

One once do I want everyone to understand where I come from. Just once let everyone know that I will not close my door on a society that thinks the same or a place where everyone expects the best out of people. You make sacrifices, sometimes they may be good, sometimes bad. This one is a sacrafice I need to make for myself. I've been through too much. It's time to move on.

So you say I'm selfish? No. Selfish is thinking about only yourself. I'm not thinking about just myself. Trust me. I think about a lot of people. I would put my life on the line for Scott, or Mom, or my close friends, or family members that are proud of me so much but I can't quite reach to them all the time. I care. Way too much. But when people mess with me and my life; hurt me in ways that no one would ever want to be hurt; I want no part of them. And quite honestly, who would? Why would you go around letting everyone hurt you so all you can do is always get upset about it? Is it worth the pain and suffering? If it's not worth mending, then don't mend it. Move from it. I need to live my life now and even though what I had is gone, life still goes on for me. I have to rebuild. Those who care about me, show it to me and I do back. Those who don't care about me don't need to know me. It's as easy at that.

My life is really messed up. I really think I'm getting closer and closer to understanding why I just want to stay in bed all day and never get out. Something tells me that for some odd reason, I just may not be ready for life's journey just yet, but I have to face it anyway.

Some people have it easier than others, some may have it harder than me. No one is the same and everyone makes mistakes. I just all seems so confusing to me. Totally Confusing.

A Dark Night
11/07/2004 02:06 a.m.

A family is a group of people brought together through love, honor, dignity, sickness, health, fortune and misfortune, greatness of joys of live, sorrow by the passing. Family sticks together through good times and in bad to cherish all that we had, have and will have for generations. A fight in the family is nothing until it really hits you clear in the face what life really means, and how much someone really means to you.

Tonight is a sad night to bring to my family. A night which was unexpected and a most drastic change in the lives of each of my family members.

Tonight I write in memory of my uncle. A man of power and great dignity. Always a person to talk to, who'd listen and who, no matter how much of a strange cookie he was, we were just as equally strange as him. He was an outstanding man who cared about everything he did. Let me stay at his house on a few occasions. He was always open to just be himself and live no matter what lay ahead of him.

I remember this one time, he brought his son and I down to the lake to sleep out in tents because the next morning was the first official fishing day of the year. It was so cold that night that I just couldn't make it through the night sleeping. We sat up for a while and talked but I ended up going up to the house because I was so cold. I joined him the next day. But the experience was interesting.

He picked me up from my apt one day to bring me back to the valley for my dad's wedding. He said to me that he was proud of what I've done in my life. He said to me that decisions in life are hard but you don't give up. He said..."I know I'm not supposed to eat this steak and cheese sub, but I'm going to anyway." Always a guy of comic relief. He told me that day that no matter what you face in your life, cherish it all because you never know when tomorrow will be your last day.

I'll never forget him. He's been an inspiration to the family. And even though my family may not see eye to eye with my decisions in life, or my expectations that I want to face, I know that they will always be my family and that I will always care for them just as much as they do to me.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for everything. May you rest yourself now and fly away to the heavens. Rest in peace.

What is "Really" Going On?
11/03/2004 09:51 p.m.

Today I sat here and just thought...just thought of all the things that have been in and out of my life in the last couple years. And as much as I want to say that I think I am conveniently stable in my life, I have to take it back. What is stable is being able to say that you are stable and not have to lie about it. Being stable is something you should be happy saying and not hiding in the dirt after you say it.

The people I treated with awful intentions, I used, I betrayed, I befriended. Where did it all come from? I just don't really know. I am sitting here right now wondering to myself, do I really fit in the skin I'm in or am I just a time bomb waiting to explode and hurt dozens of other people that are so close to me? How do I change that?

Someone messaged me on AIM the other day telling me that all I care about is making sure that I have the attention from everyone I know. They also told me that without this attention I would be nothing. I crave it like nothing else on this earth could ever crave. I now understand that they were right.

I get depressed easily. Most likely because I have been around so many people lately, I get depressed when I'm not around anyone at all. I felt so alone back in high school, I jumped at the chance to make as many friends as possible just to be less alone. Now look at me. I'm a wreck with friends dropping off away from me because I don't even know how to tell the truth to save the friendships.

Some people I talk to I don't do this with. For instance, people here on Pathetic.org has never had to see anything that I have ever done. One of them is a dear friend of mine that I talk to a lot now. I enjoy talking to him all the time. I would never want him to see anything that has happened over time.

The thing is I want to change. Change is a very dramatic event in someone's life. Laziness is a pure factor in change. I can't make classes on time because I oversleep, I can't go to job interviews because I'm not strong enough emotionally to sell myself. The confidence is not there. Where do I go when that happens? What do I do? I realize that doing all of this is part of everyone's lives. Everyone does it. Everyone has to suck it up. Why is all of this hitting me like this? Why do I put myself in this position? It's isn't as easy as saying to me, "Well just don't do it and get off your ass and get to class!" There is something there that is bothering me, but I just don't know what it is.

I am happy being me. I mean I like what I know, I feel I'm very talented, but this something that has been bothering me for years upon years just isn't cutting it anymore.

I mean take for example my looks. A lot of people say I am handsome, charming, cute, sexy (as my boyfriend may say). But why can't I look at myself in the mirror with a smile? Why can't I dance in front of a mirror at the club? Why do I shy away at myself because I feel so useless? I just don't know.

I love my boyfriend more than I ever could imagine. But somedays I feel that I shouldn't be with him, nor should I be with anyone; just because of the person I think I am. Just because I think there is something wrong with me, so deep that it is controlling the rest of my life. It is easy to just say, "but Matt there isn't anything wrong with you." No, I know there is something wrong. And I really wish I knew what it was. I can't go hurting people that I care about so much, then I am subjected to having to ignore them because I'm afraid that all I will ever get from them are grudges.

What does it all mean? It all just seems so deep. Everything is so jumbled up and messed up that I couldn't put my hand on what the problem is. But I can say that that one person who told me what my life is really like, really made me think of the person I truely am.

How do I see a counselor about this when I don't even know what is wrong? Is there a way of even finding out what is wrong? How do I tell?

This may be a jumbled up messed up journal entry but does it not make sense that this is what goes on in my mind right now? I think those people that say to me that my life is nothing but a reliabilty on others are the people that need to push my life in the right direction. If anyone is ever familiar with Brian on Queer as Folk, you would know the type of person I'm talking about. He seems so stuck up and selfish, but deep down he cares and is only being realistic and as strikingly truthful about the world we live in and the mistakes that we all make. He's never afraid of admitting when someone makes a mistake. Not perfect, but cynical.

I have talked to 3 different people in the last few weeks that have had seperate issues with their lives. Each one of them comes right back to me in some form very similar to what they are going through. Each issue they had I am having all at the same time and everything I tell them they should do (advice) comes and smacks me right back in the face like "hello?! idiot! you're doing the exact same thing.....wake up and change this!" It's not as easy as it looks and says it is. Then why do I expect them to think it is as easy as I say it is? Maybe because I just don't want them to end up how I am; one big ball of jumbled up disasters.

It's a long shot but maybe I need a bit more than this little journal entry to help me really appreciate the life I live. What do I really want in my life? How do I really want my life to travel? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 20 years from now? It's all a mystery to me. A mystery that I just will never be able to solve.

I don't understand.....
10/14/2004 08:05 p.m.

Where do I get it? How can I be so blond-headed that I can't even figure out what time my class is or the difference between two of them?

This is what happens today ok....I get up late, because I'm an idiot and didn't complete my reading last night because I'm an idiot. I get up and rush off to get the train and get to school and whatever while reading what I was supposed to read yesterday. I get to class on time, just to be kicked in the ass with a quiz, which I knew we were having, but on a part of the book that I didn't get to, the last 3 chapters. So I'm sitting here dazed and confused and don't know what to write, so I just write something down and pass it in. Low and behold, as usual, I'm wrong. Typical I'd say. So we get through the rest of the class and I head off to my next class. I have two labs following this first class. Well I don't think anything of it and head up to what I thought was my next lab. He professor left saying he had to bring his wife to the hospital so that there was no lab today. So I was like sweet! So I go over to the computer lab to wait for my final lab that was starting at 2...this was 12 at the time. So I go to get some lunch and get to the computer lab to mess around. At 2 I head down to my next lab. As I'm walking in, everyone else is walking out. The lab is already over! I was like....the hour hasn't even begun yet and the lab is already over. Come to find out, I mixed up my two labs. I went to the wrong lab at the wrong time. And I didn't notice it because the professor for the first lab I went to, actually has two labs in that classroom back to back. So I missed the 2nd lab I was supposed to go to completely, which sucked because that is a very important class to be in. So I trudge around campus looking for my lab partner that had to do the poor lab by himself to apologize and call myself an idiot. Then I had to email the professor because he wasn't in his office and tell him that I'm an idiot. What an idiot I am for thinking that the labs were at those times. The good part of the day was when my lab partner told me that the lab was done wrong and they were going to re-do it next week. I didn't miss anything. Funny that. So hopefully nothing bad happened and it all worked out. I hope. But my luck doesn't usually work that way, so we will see next week what is in store for me. I know one thing's for sure. I'm going to get a huge F on that quiz I had this morning. Man this book sucks. It's boring. The Once and Future King. One thing is for sure, I know I didn't take that class to talk about knights and battles and all that stuff. I see that science fiction was the reason why I took that class. I don't know else to make it through if I'm going to fall asleep every time I try to read this book. I'm putting myself on the edge of misery and luxury here. I want to do so well yet, something is just not letting me get there. So many obstacles and yet so much more shit on top that I have to deal with first. Ugh....this is my life ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to my life.

First tests
10/06/2004 05:29 p.m.

So today, two tests.....ugh....I took the first one this morning at 9am...holy crap! I did not know what the hell I was doing. I so prepared for that test for the last 3 days....ugh...and it looked like I walked into another class and didn't even know what I was doing.

It so didn't look good. Oh well. I will just have to do better on the next test. The styles to take one of these tests are rediculous. You need to know so much.

Calculus is at 2 today. Not exactly sure how that is going to go. I think I am ready so I should be able to do a pretty decent job with it. Unless of course this professor throws curveballs like the last one and I get a test that looks like I am supposed to be a genius to figure it out.

Yeah crazy dayzy

Poor Kid
09/15/2004 05:43 p.m.

One of my high school friend's youngest brother was killed yesterday in an ATV crash. Poor kid was only 14 years old. I got the news from another good friend who told me that it was sometime after school yesterday afternoon. I haven't had contact with my high school friend since we graduated and since then I'm not sure of anyone who has been in contact with him. I don't understand how things like this can happen to kids like this. I knew him years ago and he was always a bright kid with a heart of gold.

RIP to Jake. May you rest in peace. You are in a better place now.

AHHHH!!!!
09/13/2004 03:07 p.m.

Just when you think you have a C++ program all figured out it shoots you in the back of the head and says....gotcha! Come on! This is got to be the most simple program in the world besides making the computer add 2+2 and it still won't run. I just don't understand.

I worked fine on my computer at home and suddenly it doesn't want to work here. I think I am going to take this machine and throw it out the window, run it over with a bus, put it in front of the green line (keeps the cars from derailing) and plug it back in to see if the program will run then.

For some reason I think it is running but since it's a newer program that I'm using (Visual Studio .NET 2003 Academic Edition) I just don't know if it is coming out right. I use 6.0 at home and it works fine. I don't know what the hell is wrong with this thing but I need assistance.......

blugger

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