complexities, atrocities, and lovecities.
05/11/2008 05:29 p.m.
I'm hurting so much lately. That is, when life slows down and I have time to actually feel it. I thought I was completely okay, but the more and more I think about it, I realize that I'm not sure if I'm ready for much of anything right now in terms of a relationship. It's almost as if the days I feel okay with it, like I could really wholeheartedly give myself to this new person, that I'm just convincing myself I'm ready. That I've moved on and am capable of loving without any hesitations, without anything holding me back. At the same time, I can't allow myself to let this wonderful person slip through my fingers. I can't watch him walk away in good conscience and tell myself that it's for the best.He makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the room. When he looks at me, everything else falls away. He doesn't mind the reprocussions of expressing affection in public. He could care less who is watching our peck on the lips at Whole Foods or our handholding at Walgreens. He makes me feel lovely and beautiful and all the things a girl should feel. And yet my heart is torn. How does that happen? How does that fucking happen! I'm just trying to suck it up and drag my heart through the muck. I really could see a wonderful future with this new person, and I just need to face the realities of the impossibilities of the last love I can't seem to get over. The crash and burn that I'm still recovering from. It seems that it hurts a bit more when it's nobody's fault. When there's no one to blame and so much is still unresolved. This love swimming in the thick, humid air above me. I know I'll never be 100% over the last, and that's to be expected. Considering all the complications and the strong friendship we still have. I just feel as though my heart is in such a vulnerable place right now. It's a tug of war that nobodys winning. I'm the knot in the middle of the rope and I'm getting dizzy.

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dejavu
03/19/2008 01:04 p.m.
I should have known better.

Dejavu. You leaving me for someone new.
Dejafuckingvu. I should have known better than to ever contact you.

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Moonlit Beaches and Hearts reaching out
03/18/2008 12:18 p.m.
I'm going to see you again sometime this week. I had a dream that this happened and went sour last night, but I have plenty of dreams. Perhaps that was me just realizing one of my big fears in contacting you again. It's been one day shy of a year since we first met. When your tall, fit frame swooped in to sweep me off of my feet.

Look. I don't want to get back together with you. I just want to sit down like adults and talk. Maybe over a cup of coffee. Or, considering how 'financially challeneged' we've always been, perhaps the beach would be better. Maybe it's because I need closure. Maybe because I need a friend. Or because I care about you. I meant it when I said it all those months ago. I have since the day I met you and that will never cease.

Things ended on a harsh note, and half of that is my fault. I feel like I've been blaming you for so long, but we were just a couple of kids. We were both fucking it all up. I had just as big a hand in this as you had.

Anyway, we'll talk more when I see you. I hope all goes as planned. Take care.





Liz

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Ow.
01/31/2008 05:17 a.m.
I can't wait to embrace the day when






Love Doesn't Hurt.
I am currently Hurt
I am listening to Damien Rice - The Animals Were Gone

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Lovebug
11/11/2007 03:55 a.m.
Why is it that after all you've done to me,
After all we've shared and all you've thrown away,
That when I see your aching pain,
My first instinct is to run to your aide
And dress your wounds?

Why is it that I can't expel thoughts of you from this
Scatterbrainedtornrotteninnocentdeadlyconfused head?

The minute I'm sure I've surpassed
These lingering lovestings
Your bees sworm my heartsoulmind
And I'm back to square one.

Oh perhaps I just miss the distraction
The oh so beautiful distraction from myself.




But I can't help but wonder if you wonder these things too.
If you think of me.
Every now and again.
A certain song.
Breeze.
Restaurant.
Lovesting.



You'd be the worst thing for me.
Yet I can't help but remember the way you made me feel.











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Heart
10/08/2007 01:09 a.m.
My heart is a plague
That threatens
Everyone
And everything
And myself
And my moving on

And I wish to rid myself of it.
I am listening to Matthew Good ; Weapon

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&'
08/14/2007 04:04 p.m.
The most heartbreaking, bone splintering pain in the world - can't be controlled by any kind of drug.



It's the agony of watching someone die. Someone you love.


And nothing can help ease the pain.


[Verse 1:]
He drops his suitcase by the door
She knows her daddy won't be back anymore
She drags her feet across the floor
Tryna hold back time to keep him holding on
And she says

[Pre Chorus:]
Daddy Daddy don't leave
I'll do anything to keep you
Right here with me
Can't you see how much I need you

Daddy Daddy don't leave
Mommy's saying things she don't mean
She don't know what she's talking about
Somebody hear me out

[Chorus:]
Father listen
Tell him that he's got a home and he don't have to go
Father, S A V E H I M
I would do anything in return
I'll clean my room
Try hard in school
I'll be good
I promise you
Father, Father
I pray to you

[Verse 2:]
Now she hasn't slept in weeks
She don't want to close her eyes cause she's scared that he'll leave
They tried just about everything
It's getting harder now
For him to breathe
And she says

[Pre Chorus:]
Daddy Daddy don't leave
I'll do anything to keep you
Right here with me
Can't you see how much I need you

Daddy Daddy don't leave
The doctors are saying things they don't mean
They don't know what they talking about
Somebody hear me out

[Chorus:]
Father (father) listen (listen)
Tell him that he's got a home and he don't have to go (don't have to go)
Father (father) S A V E H I M
I would do anything in return
I'll clean my room
Try hard in school
I'll be good
I promise you
Father, Father
I pray to you

[Hook:]
Please don't let him go (don't let him go)
I'm begging you so (I'm begging you so)
There open his eyes
There ain't no more time
To tell him that I love him more
Than anything in the world
Is Daddy's little girl

[Chorus:]
Father (father) listen (listen)
Tell him that he's got a home and he don't have to go (don't have to go)
Father (father) S A V E H I M
I would do anything in return
I'll clean my room
Try hard in school
I'll be good
I promise you
Father, Father

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adsf
08/05/2007 07:33 a.m.
I should not.

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Once again...
07/21/2007 09:45 p.m.
It's endlessly frustrating
When you've found that you've
Become the person you've so despised.
You find yourself in the same old slum
Thinking "Hey...it wasn't supposed to be like this."

You've got an excuse for everything.
And lies roll off of your tounge so eloquently.
But dollface, someone's heart is tied to yours once more.
The decisions you make don't just affect you anymore.
8 swigs of Johnny Walker, a young man close beside you,
But there's a heart hanging in the balance
Somewhere out of bounds.

You're out of it.
You second guess yourself.
Are you ready for this at all?
You better figure it out now,
Before you let that boy fall.
You've got everything you've ever wanted in his arms,
But your teenage heart still wanders.
Your youthful body craves attention.



Darling, listen to me.
It might not seem as 'fun' at the time,
But put that bottle down.
Because the only man who will fight for your love,
Can't handle your wild ways.


The only man you'll ever need
Has been waiting for you for days.
But the only man you'll ever need
Can't wait for you always.






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I fuck things up. I do. I do this! All the time! And I can't not do it. I mean, I'm sure I could. If I really tried. But dear lord. I'm constantly fucking up. And I just want to love someone, and for him to love me. And when I find that, that one thing I've always wanted, I get bored? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Where to go from here. If anything like this ever happens again, I won't trust myself with loving him. I won't...but if it does. I'm ending it entirely. Because this man. This man deserves so much more. And I will fight to give it to him. Fight with everything I've got. And try not to fuck this one up. I love him. I'd die for him. I will fight for him.


I am currently Detached
I am listening to Beware! Criminal! - Incubus

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Amen!
07/11/2007 04:10 a.m.
...I've found him. I'm done searching. Forever. No more settling for less than I deserve. Only the best from here on out. I love this boy, without a doubt.


Here comes the good.


Cause Lord knows I've dealt with more than my fair share of bad.


:)

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