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The Journal of JJ Johnson

11/29/2015 06:36 p.m.
It's been a while since I posted a journal entry, almost 3 years.
Been through some difficult times recovering from the stroke, learning to æccept the limitations I have now and getting in to a frame of mind beyond feeling sorry for myself.
I rejoined my old gym and started physical rehab. I'' never get back into the shape I was in 15 years ago, but anything is better than the past 4 years.
I have been writing a lot of poems, over 70 in the past year. I don't post all of them here on patheic because my erotic poems are often required to get flagged as extreme when I don't feel they are in the least bit extreme.
Since extreme poems don't show up in the lists on the main page, I will not post them here.
I never use dirty words. I use suggestive metaphors and imagery to create a sensually intimate atmosphere without being explicit or overly graphic.
My erotic poems are posted on another website called Deep Underground Poetry where such things are encouraged rather than hidden behind curtains and doors.
My library there is @ http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poets/Poetryman/ if you want to give them a read.
Life has it's pros and cons, as always. I don't feel stressed out about work now that I no longer have to, but loneliness is a bummer. I get through it though and find things to enjoy and be happy about.

I am currently Happy
I am listening to Thanksgiving

Happy 50th?
03/26/2013 02:44 a.m.
Today was my 50th birthday. The last year was the worst of my life, so it can only get better. In fact, it started about a year and a half ago when my job was elimintated and then I had a stroke in February a year and a month ago. Then my mom got sick last summer and went into the hospitol. I lost my apartment due to inability to work after the stroke and had to move in with my mom. She spent two periods in the hospitol until her illness took her life last month. So I don't see how life can get much worse. We shall see... JJ
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to John Lennon - Watchin The Wheels

Funeral in Gloversville
02/27/2013 11:39 p.m.
Tomorrow morning is the service and funeral for my mother. The past few days have been very hectic since mom died. There is so much to do when someone dies and everyone has different ideas. JJ
I am currently Sad

Happy Halloween!
10/31/2012 08:10 a.m.
So I am in a really good mood tonight, for the first time in quite a while. I went to court today, was expecting the judge to give me the boot and my landlord to be a major ass, but then a wierd thing happened. After hoping for the past few days that Hurricane Sandy was gonna be bad enough to cancel court, the weather cleared up and it was a nice sunny day. I though that was just God's way of setting me up for another fall. But as it happened, my landlord was in a reasonable mood and we hashed things out before they called us up. Well, then anoyher odd thing happened, there were people working in the courthouse that I didn't even know existed. My landlord introduced me to some people who had offices in the basement. I was thinking it was gonna be a mob it on me or some Halloween prank, but instead, they were people with actual offices in the city courthouse with real live people in them who don't ask for any money to help make sense of the crazy world that is Social Services and Social Security. As it turns out, all is not lost and I may yet prevale on both accounts. Not only that, because we had this group meeting, my landlord came to the realization that everything I had been telling him for the past 6 months was true about the morons who work in those agencies. And because it looks much brighter that I will get the money coming to me, and therefore so will he, he has decided not to evict my ass for the time being. So as long as everything goes smoothly, and the lawyer they hooked me up with is as good as they say she is, then I may not die frozen to the sidewalk in the middle of December, just in time fr the December 21st End of Days gathering around the world.

Talk about rising up from the pit of dispair and actually being able to see some light at the end of the tunnel...! I'm still broke for now and they told us it might take a year before the case is finally settled, but at least now my landlord knows I haven't been bullshitting him all this time. And is DSS comes through too, it will take a huge chunk out of what I owe the landlord in back rent and pay for my meds and food that I have been worried about.

It almost seems to good to be true, and it is going to take some time to get it all done, but after the past 8 months of Hell I have been through, a nice cool refreshing beverage is just what I needed!!!!

Thatnks to everyone who has supported me here and esspecially for all the PM's! It means alot to know that there are people with hearts in the world, and some of them are even poets!

I am currently Happy
I am listening to Hope by Klaatu

Loss of internet, electricity and eviction
10/09/2012 10:21 p.m.
Not that anyone has noticed or can do anything about it, but due to the complete lack of income because I had a stroke and can't get any financial aide from the government, I will very soon be homeless and probably starve to death or die from exposure. So if you ever wonder what happened to me, look up the obituaries in the Schenectady Gazette, I'll probably be in there. I hope my library doesn't get deleted for inactivity, but they don't run cable lines to the cemetary and I wouldn't be able to afford it if they did, being dead and all. Seems fitting as this site already appears to be dead. If anyone wants to check on my status in the world, you can try my cell phone, but that will be getting shut off soon enough.
518 469 3055
The only thing that will help now is money. If you want to buy my books, here's a link

or make a donation via the PAYPAL donation button on my website @ www.seeds-and-weeds.com

maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't. If not, have a wonderfil life...

I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Money by Pink Floyd

Is it me or is Pathetic pathetic?
10/05/2012 04:19 a.m.
I just posted this in the forums and felt like adding it to my journal as well...
Over the past couple of years, Pathetic seems to have fizzled little by little. it seems stramge because I see many people reading the forums, not posting much, but the reads are there. My poems get read everyday in large numbers, or at least in what seem like large numbers. but I hardly ever see more than one or two others on the messanger window when I am on, so I wonder where everyone is and when they are on the site to read the forums. I know people can read poems without signing on, but I am quite sure you can't get in the forums to read unless you sign on, so if people are signing on just to read the forums and then leave, what is going on?

There seems to be a serious lack of enthusiasm here! I am also to blame, but mainly because I never see anyone on so I go off to another poetry site and post, and comment, and leave forums posts. I still post my new poems here, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore.

Have the rules gotten strickter to where people don't want to be here? I won't mention the other site I post on because I don't want people to defect from Pathetic, but it sure is a lot more engaging without the strict rules that we have here. I understand why we have them, but if someone said that their values were more important than eating because all life is sacred, even plants, would you stop eating food and die to hang onto the terms and conditions of your life? It feels like death here, and considering how it was 10 years ago, that's a very sad thing indeed! Sure we had some whizbangers for arguments here, but we were alive!

There are many people who cut themselves all the time. If you ask them why they are cutters, they all say the same thing, because it makes them feel something and pain is better than feeling nothing. Have we lost sight of the life this sight once had so much so that we are going to just let it die, or does someone have to get a razor out to remind us we are living, breathing poets who feel and express those feelings in our poems and our forums?

I remember when I couldn't wait to get home and sign on Pathetic to read new poems and post new ones of my own. I don't feel that way anymore...
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Where have all the flowers gone?

Save a starving Poet!
10/03/2012 06:16 a.m.
Still in disability limbo from stroke and now my Landlord is evicting me. I no longer have any form of income so if you can, please buy my books, "Seeds and Weeds" and "Passion & Pain" together for $25 plus tax with free shipping on Amazon.com.

I just updated both books with 14 new poems in each book, 245 in all (112 in "Seeds and Weeds") & (133 in "Passion & Pain") , and are now available in Europe as well.

I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to Up to Me by Bob Dylan

02/18/2012 02:50 a.m.
was in the hospitol for 3 days and I may be going back. Had a small stroke, but tell that to my stroke. I am having reoccurrng numness and other issues. This has been a horrible week. I have had so many tests and the TEE was the worst, but the MRI showed the sroke and the ultrasounds showed a blocked artery. It was interesting seeing my heart beating in the ultrasound, but that was the only positive thing I can think of. The 3rd ultrasound was a camera down my throat so they could look at my heart from the backside, inside. I never want to experience that again, but I am having repeated numbness which means other small strokes. This has left me so tired and a bundle of nerves. I may not be on here much until this clears up. Peace to all, JJ
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to nothing at all

60,699 reads all in a line....
01/01/2012 02:02 p.m.
I find it all the more fitting that read # 60,699 is "The Fool That Never knowed". Somehow that one sums up how I feel about my entire life, and that it happened on New Year's Day is most apropos. "The Weight" was almost the one, which could also have meant something significant. I wonder what will be the 60,700th read. It may be happening right this very minute. Well, it's all very silly, but fun to note. I'm writing a new poem this morning, but it's one of those that might take a few days to complete, so if I don't get it posted today, that's ok. I just have that New Year's day outlook that is worthy of conveying.

It was another sad night for me as the clock passed over midnight and I had no one here to kiss. It's only happened once when I was 20 and she was 17. There's a song by Elton John & Bernie Taupin called "Between 17 and 20" that bears little resemblance to that relationship, but it always pops into my mind when I think of her. It makes me think I should have chosen Rock-n-Roll instead and my life would be entirely different. It's another silly thought, but at least then I could play the piano and was writing poetry. A little bit of self-esteem and practice on the ebony and ivory board and I might be looking back on the life of a rock star instead of a failure who still harbors dreams of making his poetry into songs and doing what I should have been doing all along.

So that little bit of optimism that I feel this morning has more to do with long dead dreams that any real hope for the future. There is a mythical possibility that there is only 355 days left until the end of the world as we know it, so even if I hammered out tunes on my silent piano that rests against the wall, or the guitar leaning up against it, by the time I could play a simple song, There wouldn't be enough time for anyone but me to notice.

December 21st has another meaning for me, as an anniversary that I dread each year, since the first anniversary 21 years ago, so if the next one becomes the last day of life on Earth, I somehow wouldn't mind all that much. I hate to sound selfish, so maybe I'll just have a heart attack and everyone else can worry about the end of days. If December 22, 2012 arrives, I hope the hope I feel today is a realization on that day.

Peace, JJ
I am currently Nostalgic
I am listening to Between 17 and 20

Dubious milestones
12/31/2011 06:41 p.m.
I made a similar observation back on June 6th here in my journal when passing another one of these. 60,666 reads was Love Ain't Free - which is a humorous look at the cost of love. Not exactly about the devil but one she would appreciate for its fiscal dependence and sarcasm. Six thousand more and the world may come to an end. LOL...

It's funny that the one who is supposed to be hiding and trying to convince me he doesn't exist seems to be lurking in the shadows of my life every day. But the one who wants my praise, my faith and my soul as much as Lucy doesn't seem at all interested in giving me a hint of his existence.

The poems I have written for this thing called faith are just glimmers of reflections that glide and cut through the darkness within me, occasionally expressing them in words, but always here inside. A day most certainly does not go by when God is on my mind, and if one tried, Lucy would be there to remind me who made him an angel and who knew him yet still fell away.

I often think that Judas got a bad rap. I think about friends who have betrayed me, though it never cost me my life, yet still, the life of Jesus was never in the hands of any human, not even his own. I wonder if Jesus has forgiven Judas. I wonder, if it was a fate written by God, could God condemn a man for fulfilling his most important gift to humanity?

I wonder what is sin when God lays it out before us? If we have sinned in the moment we have thought the sin, has not God also sinned in the creation of it, in the planning of it and in the aftermath it leaves for humans to seek forgiveness for? Was it really god's plan to offer his only Son for our sins, or for his own? We know that God can feel the weight of his decisions, as he confessed as much after the flood when he vowed never to do it again.

And yet, here humans are, always predicting the end of days in some horrible battle of Armageddon. I see people repairing, and deciding because they think they are believers that God will remake the world for them. Perhaps, but the ones I hear talking about it are the most judgmental, the most greedy and the most hateful. These are people who claim virtues they hypocrocize every day of their lives. And while I am more certain of my own damnation than I am of having the slightest chance of ever being saved, I wonder what those who speak the word of the Lord out of one side of their mouths while committing sin out the other really think of themselves.

Those who preach his word and take from the poor and the sick while living with plenty and filled with pride, I want so much for God to judge them as harshly as any who have walked the Earth in obvious sin. Their disregard for God may be worthy of burning in Hell, but at least they don't pretend and then drag others down with them.

So Christmas is now past and in the minds of some, it was the last Christmas, as they plan for yet another end of days next December 21st. Who knows how many of us will even still be here that day, even if it were to be the last day. But it seems to me that sin is nothing more than the building blocks of redemption. jj

I am currently Sarcastic
I am listening to Mysterious Ways by U2

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