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The Journal of Nikki Benson

My car got broken into...
12/21/2005 06:21 p.m.

I AM SO FREAKING PISSED!!! The good news is that it is only going to cost me 206 dollars and there was nothing to take inside my car... That I know of. Anyway screw them. I would love to do whomever’s face what they did to my passenger side window... Carnage. I'm pissed!


I am currently Pissed Off
I am listening to The sound of my pissed thoughts

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A Hundred Dollars? / Dreams
12/21/2005 12:34 a.m.

I had the oddest dream last night… again! I dreamed that I was at a lunch counter at a restaurant in Bellevue, WA, and I was trying to buy some food that was low carb because I am doing the Atkins diet… The only thing I saw there were these big meat balls. I decided to get one and the guy put it in a box. For some reason I realized that I was really late to get back to work, I was already about 6 minutes late and I hadn’t paid yet or eaten my food and work was a half hour away. So I am holding my money up trying to pay thinking it couldn’t be anymore that 6 bucks for a meat ball. When this sucker gets around to collecting my money he is like, “12 dollars please.”

I was like “WHAT? TWELVE BUCKS FOR A FREAKING MEAT BALL??? I don’t want any extras I just want the meat ball!”

The guy was like (who I am just remembering was a barista that I had a crush on) “If you want the meat ball it is going to be 12 bucks.” So I paid him and I left. My sister who I came with was leaving without me with this boy that I hate so I hopped on this kind of bus car thing trying to catch up with her. Unfortunately I didn’t catch up to her and I saw her driving away and I was completely panicking because I was about 20 minutes late for work at this time. So I said to the woman driving this bus car thing (who was my childhood friend’s mother who betrayed my mother… Long story),

“I am so sorry to ask you this but if I don’t get to work right now I am going to get fired… Could I please pay you to take me back to work? I’ll give you all the money I have in my pocket if you just take me to my work.”

 She said, “Where is it?”

I said, “Seattle, in the University District.” She rolled her eyes at me. I reached into my pocket thinking I had like twenty bucks or something and pulled out 100 Dollars! I was really didn’t want to give it to her but I had to. She took it and as far as I can remember I got back to work.

 

What’s with the hundred bucks??? ( in case you didn't read yesterdays entry 100 bucks was a also a big part of my dream) I am pretty sure that it is because I went the musical play Ain’t Miss Behavin’ at Jazz Alley  and I took out 100 Dollars for the evening which was well spent but I don’t spend that much money usually for one evening, even if I eat stake and see an amazing musical. J it was worth it… I just need to kick these weird dreams!!!


I am currently Weird
I am listening to Jeff Buckly

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I've Been Dreaming About Boys...
12/19/2005 07:21 p.m.

My dream last night was that I was moving to Montana and two boys that I have liked in the past were involved. One, that I am currently talking to used to live in Montana and he was giving me tips on where to live, and the other (whom I recently had a dream that he died and he left me a note telling me that he really loved me… weird…) would not let himself show the emotion that he was feeling about me leaving. Tears welled up in his eyes… Then I tried my best to reach him on an emotion level and he opened up a little but, but he soon closed up.

 

Then I had a dream that I told a boy that I would have sex with him for $100 and I took him back to my place but before I let him in I checked to see if anyone was home, My mother and four other ladies were in my house at the time including Nichole the winner of this cycles America’s Next Top Model who was in my room… (Don’t ask me,,,) So I came back out because I couldn’t have sex with him but as we were walking out I grabbed him and kissed him as deeply as I could; his mouth tasted really bad. For some reason he let me keep the money. Then I woke up and realized that it was the taste of my own mouth that I tasted… Weird… Gross…


I am currently Freaky
I am listening to Radiohead

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There is always a reason
12/14/2005 08:06 p.m.

There is always a reason!!!! There is always a reason for me to want to talk to you! I had a dream about you, you came in and saw me, I saw you on the street, I am PMSing, I’m lonely, I MISS YOU!!! There is always some reason for me to want to talk to you or see you but I just have to BUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t do this alone I’ll never be able to look you in the eyes whole heartedly. I’ll never be able to hold you in peace. I’ll never choose you


I am currently Anxious

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My new Piano
12/14/2005 07:25 p.m.
 This is what i've been saving for... This is what I've been waiting for...My Baby
I am currently Good
I am listening to Mozart

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I have a crush on a guy with a girlfriend.
09/19/2005 06:55 p.m.

Last week a friend and I were having a conversation about stuff. Long story short there is guy that likes me, I like his room mate more then I like him so I am not going to pursue either of them. My friend thinks I should give the guy who likes me a shot but I just not interested in him. The guy who likes me is cuter then his room mate but his room mate makes me laugh so I am more interested in him. The whole thing is really touchy so I am going to leave it alone. But my friend raised a question (and this is why I am posting this) am I not attracted to the guy who likes me, because he likes me? Am I only drawn to people I don’t have shot with because I am afraid of an actual healthy relationship? Now that I am looking back… I have never been in a healthy, out in the open relationship… ever. My first love my mother broke us up, my second was kind of ridiculous. LOVE STINKS. The more I think about it logistically it does make sense that since I had a bad relationship with my father I am turned on buy guys that will more then likely reject me. HOW PATHETIC!!!! I really feel pathetic. The first pathetic post.   


I am currently Pathetic
I am listening to Jamiroquai

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Choose Depression
08/10/2005 07:02 p.m.

Someone recently told me that he mad a decision to "give up emo,” changing his music and his surroundings to new things that would build him up and not let him dwell on what was bringing him down. He recommended that I do the same thing for myself. With that said, I had to take a deeper look into being depressed. Is it a conscious choice? Or, are we just that way? Are there things such as movies and music that perpetuate the depression? If so, is such entertainment a display of us enjoying being depressed, or is it the comfort of knowing that somewhere, someone else out there could have it worse than we do? I know that there is music that makes me feel sublime, being depressed. Some Radiohead, some Cold Play, some Elliot Smith, some Blood Brothers, when I listen to some of their music, being depressed, feels right. Am I depressed because of the music, do I just listen to that music because I am depressed, or does it matter?


I am currently Detached
I am listening to Jeff Buckley

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I am liking Where I Live
07/26/2005 01:11 a.m.

My life has coming into focus a little bit more these days. I’ve been working out about four days a week, watching my diet, and getting to bed earlier. My body is feeling so much healthier! I was having severe back pain for about 6 months. Working out has really helped that go away. I feel like more of myself every day, or should I say less of myself. J

 

I am playing a show this Saturday that I am pretty excited for… I am going to play an open mic tonight. I haven’t played an open mic in 3 weeks to a month. I am a little nervous. It’ll be swell. It always is.

 

Today I had to go home on my fifteen minute break to collect something I forgot this morning. I had an extra few minutes to kill so I played Karma Police capoed up. Not all that exciting but I was tickled that I had the time to play a song during my fifteen and be able to get back to work with a minute to spare.

 

I bought the August Vogue today. Sex and the City rears it’s ugly head.  


I am currently Fine
I am listening to Death From Above 1979

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So real
06/27/2005 04:52 p.m.

I’ve been having vivid day dreams. They are somewhat horrific and surprisingly, they are not unsettling. I imagined the other day, “what if this bubbling water turned into hot lava while I’m drinking it and melted half my body away from the inside out?” I saw it happening; I wasn’t afraid. Another conscious dream… I was walking down some dark narrow uneven concrete steps and there were overgrown black berry bushes with their vines coming out at you like the arms of mummies trying to suck your life force. I could see in as clear as day in my minds eye the bushes turning into mummies, all coming after me. I wasn’t afraid.... I saw the highway rippling like violent waves and consuming me whole. I wasn’t afraid. I don’t know what is more alarming, these chimeras, or the fact that I am not afraid of them. hmmm...


I am currently Bemused
I am listening to Botch

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Don't give up
05/25/2005 12:33 a.m.

Today has been awful… It actually started out last night when I talked to my mother and she told me how she was in a meeting with my father and sister and how my Dad completely made a liar out of himself. He completely shamed the family and himself and it is really sad that I care anything about him and how much the fear of his disapproving eyes can tear me apart.

 

Actually I guess it started about an hour before that when I told, possibly the sweetest boy I have ever met that I can’t talk to him anymore because we are different in ways that could not be overlooked. That has actually been weighing on me. Then the who thing with my family….

 

Today has been a work day from HELL! My boss is riding my ass to Telemarket  to our mortgage clients who don’t want to talk to me or anyone trying to sell them checking accounts…

 

I skinned my finger today.

 

I have had two clients from hell forcing me to fix there problems because I happened to be the hapless schmuck who answered the phone… All I want to do is hang out with the sweet boy. Just relax and exist. Not likely.


I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Radiohead

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