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pathetic.org :: member journal

The Journal of Nikki Benson

06/02/2008 03:38 p.m.
So… There is a person that I am not talking to right now.
Not for a bad reason, they are just gone
So instead of writing to them, I’m going to write to them and post it on my journal…
Next best thing…

I miss you.
I’ve been think about you everyday
Without words, from afar, you are still motivating me
I love you, I have for a long time.

I am currently Good
I am listening to Lights out Asia

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The mens and me...
06/30/2006 04:53 p.m.

Things have taken an unexpected turn… : )


I feel like I’m being blessed right now.


Something new came from out of nowhere… I feel grateful…


Something familiar is getting uneasy. I feel unsure…


The only think I can do is stay away from the wormholes… and try to be as happy as I can. : )


I’ve been blessed with reasons to smile.


I miss you.

I am currently Good
I am listening to The Mars Volta

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This one is for you...
06/20/2006 04:30 p.m.

"It may be selfish on my part, but I sincerely like being able to get distracted at the damndest times with a picture of you in my mind, looking perfectly sweet with a sly, knowing grin gracing your eyes. Yeah...

I'm so good with that. ; )"

I am currently Happy
I am listening to Radiohead

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I feel better about myself when I have lipstick onÂ…
05/17/2006 08:41 p.m.

Is it true that when you treat yourself better then you feel better about yourself?


Why is that?


Is there some reward for saving yourself 15 minutes buy not putting on any make up? “hay I gave myself 15 to 23 ½ extra minutes of sleep today because I love myself!!!” is there some subconscious reward for that? “hay I put on really comfortable cloths because I love myself enough to feel comfortable all day long!” is there a reward for that?


Why do we have to “make ourselves up” to feel better about ourselves? Even if your job doesn’t require you to look hot, you can not tell me that you don’t feel better about yourself when you feel that you are looking hot… I just wish it wasn’t so much freaking work!

I am currently Detached
I am listening to NIN - perfect drug

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If you experience mood swing, or change in behavior...
05/16/2006 05:03 p.m.



Is it me, or is America grossly throwing “pharmaceuticals” at us because we’re human? Last time I checked it was normal for people to feel upset sometimes, and happy sometimes, and for women to react emotionally at times. Why do we have to be diagnosed for… feeling? Are we that desperate for an excuse? Am I not empathetic for feeling that we should recognize that we feel and react and we should take responsibility for it not a pill? I would never judge anyone for getting medical attention for emotional problems, just don’t suggest that I need to get on medication if I’m having a bad day for no reason. It happens.  

I am currently Fine
I am listening to U2

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Why is it always about boys???
02/25/2006 01:29 a.m.

I feel pathetic…


There is a boy that I have a crush on. I have actually liked him for about five months. A few days ago he send me a message thanking me for how nice I am to him and I basically bore all… He told me that he thought I was cute too. That’s nice. I told someone about the whole thing and she talked me out of liking him. I shouldn’t like him. Anyway I told him last night that me being all flirty was giving t he wrong impression because even if I did like him I couldn’t do anything about it… I haven’t heard anything back from him. THAT IS WHAT I WANTED!!! Now that I’ve got it, IT SUCKS!!! Boy you have no idea how much of a PUTZ I FEEL LIKE RIGHT NOW. I’m pissed off that I’m bummed. What I would really like to do is jump off a cliff right now. Just jump. I don’t feel like dying over a boy. I don’t feel like dying at all… I am just really bummed…Really bummed…

I am currently Bummed
I am listening to Coldplay

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01/17/2006 06:04 p.m.

I am learning piano!!!


And I couldn’t be more excited!!! Last night was the first experience that I was able to sight read. It is such a high!!! It wasn’t that hard of a piece by any means, (Bach Minuet in G) but it was such a high to be able to play a song that I would have looked at a month ago and have to do EGBDF FACE GBDFA ACEG in my head. Nope! None of that! Just playing. Of course I am going to have to work on it a little, but I am very encouraged!


I am moving to Beacon hill in 10 days… well 11 but who ever counts the day they are on? Am I excited you ask??? HELL YES! I am moving from a 475 square foot studio with a 20 gallon tank of hot water and no dishwasher, to a 825 square foot one bedroom with a coat closet, huge walk in closet, dishwasher, deck, third floor with a little view of the edge of a golf course, and I can have as much hot water as I want!!!! YEAH! This is going to be a good move.


My oldest (half)sister is in town from New York. We are torn from the same cloth but we are so different. It is like looking at what my life would be like in 20 years if I didn’t have Jehovah. Well… That is giving myself too much credit. She went to college for 12 years… I don’t think I will ever be that brilliant or that much of a scholar. Well who knows… maybe some day I will be brilliant. : )


“You said… My life is like a bad movie… I said… it’s true of all of us…”

I am currently Good
I am listening to James Brown

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Why is it so hard to stop caring???
01/10/2006 11:29 p.m.

You are forcing me to hate you. Yet, I feel really bad that I hurt you. You hurt me too. I’ve made it clear how I feel. You keep pressing the issue. I still just want to call you and tell you that I am sorry for hurting you! But I meant every word I said… I never want to see you again! I just want a story book goodbye. The more time goes on the more I realize this isn’t a ferry tail. I am never going to have the tearful kiss goodbye and that just be it. All my love for you is being pushed into frustration and hatred in desperation for closure and to get release from this inertia! I hate loving you. I hate hating you. I just hate you…

I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Zero 7

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Should I stay or should I go now??? If I go there could be troub
12/23/2005 05:43 p.m.

(Sobject continued) le… If I leave there could be double!!! So you’ve got to let me know… should I stay or should I go?


There is a boy that likes me and I like his roommate. Should I use the boy that likes me to get closer to his roommate? Should I give Boy a chance? Boy is very shy. Roommate is very outgoing and sarcastic… If I deliberately go after either I would be ruining my chances with the other… I guess I’ll just wait and let them do the work… Like a lady. BULLSHIT! I’m impatient… Should I stay or should I go now??? If I go there could be trouble… if I leave there could be DOUBLE!!! So you’ve got to let me know… should I stay or should I go???  

I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to The Faint

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The carnage
12/22/2005 07:57 p.m.


 F*cking pissed...

I would love to get my hands on the person who did this to my car...







I am currently Sad
I am listening to Muse

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