so strange it's true
07/07/2010 03:04 a.m.
you know.. it's strange. i've never really quite been so alone in my life but... i'm content. maybe i'm growing up and learning to be happy with myself. who knows. but i'm going to fight against my nature and not overthink this because inevitably, that will lead to my downfall.
I am currently Lovely
I am listening to the dandy warhols

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thanks karma
05/02/2009 05:34 p.m.
well, as fully deserved, karma is doing an exceptional job of trying to kick me in the ass.

i should have been more clear karma-- kick my PERSONAL life's ass, not my professional life's ass.

but thanks anyway, its good to know my actions have repercussions.
I am currently Frustrated

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been a really long time.
03/21/2009 11:03 p.m.
I have not written anything in a long time. I don't even really know what possessed me to write today. I was just thinking about when I was in high school,I kept all my poems and journal entries in an actual notebook, and my mom decided it was okay to read it once (ok twice. once in jr high once in high school) then get mad at me about over everything i wrote it in. and really, i typically only wrote/write when im feeling sad because i need to get my emotions out and have issues actually talking to people about them. she told me i only wrote about the bad. and im thinking DUH when i'm happy im out enjoying it. but invasion of privacy aside, i guess she was right.
anyway, im writing today because im... not sad. just feeling reflective.
im finally in a normal relationship. with a guy that truly likes me. even loves me. and im absolutely ridiculous. its been almost 6 months and i cannot bring myself to say it back. im not even sabotaging this on purpose. i really do care for him. i just... i dont know. i find it hard to accept other people's love. which is ridiculous, i realize that. he's mad at me though. not for the lack of i love you thing, but he hasnt really talked to me since tuesday. im giving him his space, but its just hard. i realize i suck at relationships and everything, but i am 23 years old. of course i want to settle down. get married someday. (and its crazy but i already know exactly what song i want to walk down the aisle to) and its not even him im picturing down that aisle. its still some faceless man and im not really sure what that means.
i dont know. i just wish i could be normal. thats all.
I am listening to pandora

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i dont know
05/23/2008 04:56 a.m.
i can't stop crying. i dont really know why. i think its just i think about the past 5 years of my life and this is not who i wanted to be. at all. i hate who i have become. i hate that i cant sustain a real relationship. that i sabotage anything good that comes into my life. that i make myself unlovable. that i know everything that is inherently wrong with me and yet i havent changed a goddamn thing. that im writing this on here because i honestly dont even know who i can call anymore to talk about these things. god my head hurts. i cant even remember the last time i cried like this. sigh. i apologize for wasting space. i just dont know what to do.
I am currently Bothered

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if only.
10/01/2007 03:00 p.m.
So..as of Friday, I am officially aunt!!! To the cutest little girl everr (not that im biased or anything) Im not big on kids or the "l" word but i absolutely love her.

on my way home, i stopped in binghamton to visit some friends from school, and one of them had gone to my fave restaurant on saturday bc its closed on sundays, and ordered my fave thing (which had been discontinued but apparently was back on the menu). i was like ok life would be so much easier if we were in love with eachother.

but life is never simple like that.
but i guess its not supposed to be.
anyways.. just felt like writing bc im bored at work.

byebye =)
I am currently Fine

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im cold.
08/23/2007 07:57 p.m.
so yesterday.. the guy who tried to break down my walls, the guy who i tell nearly everything to, the guy who transferred sophomore year and would later come to tell me that if we had been dating, he probably would have stayed, the guy who ive been through a million ups and downs with, the guy who some of my poems are about, the guy who would sent me rotten potatoes to prove a point, but most of all the guy i considered one of my best friends for the past four years.. he called me a cold, cold person. and believe me, that was the nicest of things he had to say.

id be lying if i said i didnt see this coming.
but its still heartbreaking to lose such an important friendship.

i really need to start working on myself. i put people at such a distance. its like i give everyone a little part of me, but no one ever gets the whole thing. and i honestly dont know why i do it anymore. its this terrible habit thats instilled in my brain and it gets me nowhere except hurt. a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, if you will.

anyways i need to stop tying. because im at work. and i dont cry in public.
but if anyone read this, thanks for listening. and sorry for rambling slash being a cliche girl.
I am currently Melancholy

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so this is the new year
01/02/2007 04:37 a.m.
"We spend January 1st walking room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... looking not for flaws, but for potential."

I read that on someone's away message. and i love it.

this year, i am letting go of bitterness. (or at least im going to try like hell).
i know thats a flaw.
but i think it has potential.
and so do i.

night.

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i dont even know
10/30/2006 04:42 a.m.
so. im graduating in may. i have no idea what im doing with my life. this past weekend has made me reflect alot on the past couple of years and honestly i think i may have wasted alot of time not figuring out what it is that will make me happiest in the long run. i just wish i could invent a time machine and pretty much change everything since i started college. but whatevs. everything happens for a reason and whatnot. im just trying to figure out what that reason is.
meh. just a minor existential crisis. ill be okay.
I am currently Bleh

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so long sweet summer
07/23/2006 03:36 a.m.
im so ready for this summer to be over and to get back to school. i feel like ive lost touch with my friends. i dont even care that my birthday is coming up anymore. i hate to sound like the typical girl, but all i really want to do is find that someone special and cuddle up and feel like everything is okay. i miss that feeling i really do.
so my parents went to philly this weekend and i've been sleeping all alone in the house and im like oh dear god, this is what my life is going to be like in a few years. im going to come home to an empty house (or apartment seeing as i wont be able to afford anything) and eat alone and talk to myself. and maybe i'll become a cat lady.
cats make me sad right now tho, mine died in may and im still not over it. meh i hold onto things for too long. i need to work on that..
anyway. im done rambling for now
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to portions for foxes (rilo kiley)

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ugh
04/22/2006 09:42 p.m.
do you ever wake up and try to think of one thing you like about yourself and cant come up with anything? not one single thing.

for your sake, i hope not.

i feel like ive lost control of my life. i dont know. i havent felt like this this senior year of high school. and maybe im overdramatic, maybe im too anal, maybe maybe maybe.
i just want to be loved.
i dont know. or to love myself. i dont even know why im writing this.
i hate feeling this way.
I am currently Overwhelmed

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