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The Journal of Omi Salavea

All the letters that hurt
01/31/2005 05:17 p.m.
i am trying not to have an attack right now.
i think i just found out something that is making me feel awful.
i feel like i have been lied to.
i have never lashed out, acted out in violent ways, but i feel close to it.
Anne said that some of the things i feel i need, or feel inside, when
i express them, you re-project them onto me, as though they are my
fault.
You do not ask for, express want for, or express what you feel is
going on, whether it is something wrong, right, or you need, or like.
It is almost a complacency, but could possibly be a way of
non-commital toward me.
Your ability to have open, broad, non-restrictive boundaries with
other females (friendships) shows that you do not set boundaries. You
may not be able to change, force, or tell a person how to feel, but
you are supposed to make it clear to them, verbally, and precisely,
that there are boundaries to be respected.
i kept banging on the door until you got sick of it and put a deadbolt on.
yes, i was overly needed, but the open-ended interaction you have with
the rest of the world will feed into any woman's insecurity.
i am not fully insane.
i do however, hear a tiny little evil voice right now that says this
is all lined up in a manner that i do not like.
When i expressed, "So, once i feel that i have made progress on
working on the things i need to deal with in my life, in a few months
we will sit back down at the table and re-examine things" and you left
it at 're-examine' left it open ended, and said that you could not
foresee the future, people around me feel that you are leaving it so
undeterminable that it will be my fault if it leads to false hope ("If
you keep dwelling on and fearing the worst, the worst will happen")
you said that. In saying that, people say you are deflecting "fault".
That you do plan on dating someone else, and the guilt and the pain
will be my fault.
Someone i never thought would say it said something to me last night,
"0mi, your a good girl, and if he can't see it, he's a damn fool, just
like i was."
I am currently Alienated

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Matrimony
06/22/2002 11:02 p.m.
my little brother got married...

what a loop to through into my life...

and my life has changed as well...

i am overly cosumed with someone, a complete and brilliant star...i just need to convince him that there's no way a star like him could ever burn out in my sky, much less the heavens up above all our heads...

i found out my parents only knew each other for 4 months before they got married...

what's with love, why am i so scared, why can i be so uncertain, why do i feel so nervous, can it really be that im so traumatized? if love is such a wonderful thing, why cant i let it be?
I am currently Affectionate

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Journal Entry
05/25/2002 08:48 p.m.
im a little upset that i just lost all the new work...some of use just log on and write as we go....and dont even say, well lack of talent would cause you to do things on a whim...so, well, i asked someone to visit, and they will never read what i have written about them. great.
I am currently Stunned
I am listening to catherine wheel- black metallic

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wow.
04/09/2002 03:15 a.m.
wow, havent been here in awhile...
i have a horrible toothache right now.
i dont really have the money to take care of it right now, my insurance sux.
ive had a fear of the dentists, and the bill, i inherited it from my mom, now i sit up all night with a horrible pain in the back of my jaw, and a tooth that feels like its going to break off any second now, i can feel the seperation of it from my gumline, its an aching pain, i cant even ly on that side of my face, god this sux, i hate my teeth.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to kung pow, the movie i downloaded 3 months ago but never watched.

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Sickening
03/04/2002 02:49 a.m.
ever be afraid that theres more to something than what other people let on?

i wonder if someone lies to me.
i wonder if they are really honest.


how come i feel so uncomfortable
around those i think im supposed to trust?
I am currently Paranoid
I am listening to belly-are you experienced remake

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New
02/28/2002 02:45 p.m.
miles ive been, reflected by a tiny plastic counter built inside my dashboard.

miles ive cried, reflected by a web "hits" statistics page.

ive been way too far, way too soon. and it worries me.

sometimes i wish i didnt think this much.

sometimes i wish i didnt dream this much.

sometimes i wish i didnt live this much.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Gabrielle, Deep Dish - Rise RMX

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Cooled off
02/21/2002 04:36 p.m.
uncertainty prevails over my newfound interests, and though i shouldnt have anything to worry about, i do. god i suck.

I am currently Clueless

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think about it
02/19/2002 05:07 a.m.
im so wonderful
and understanding
complacent and attentive
giving and affectionately caring
if i hold these things within,
why do i lack so greatly?
why does loneliness plague me?
when will i meet me someday?


I am currently Puzzled
I am listening to filter-one is the loneliest number

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1.015 hits
02/19/2002 04:49 a.m.
very appreciative, i joined this place many years ago (remember, we been down more than once!) and im glad that everyone has very "positive" things to say about the words i write.

there is a lot going on in my life. im kinda glad non-members cant read this journals.

my hearts always on my sleeve, and ive really snagged myself this time. pretty, slight, blond angel, innocence and lightheartedness are how i feel when im around him. but there is uncertainty, and it really hit home last night. i am trying so hard not to take this all so seriously, but its hard not too. at least the poems keep coming
I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to Blue Oyster Cult/ Apollo 440 remix - Don't Fear the Reaper

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RE-flection
02/18/2002 07:01 a.m.
i go here to write the things im too afraid to tell people that are important to me, but then i let everyone know where this place is.... either im hypocritical, or its a cry for help.

i feel bad, almost as all this may have happen a little too soon. its so warm, but it still feels as though something is amiss, though my current encounter is so open book, i dont have the strength to get lost in those eyes. i am afraid, and doubt does fill me. i dont want to be afraid, i want to trust. things are too new to me, but that is something i will have to wrestle with my self. and i believe i can do it.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to the spinning of a 300 watt power supply and my tears

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