it ended bad, but i love where we started.
09/28/2006 10:27 p.m.

last night i thought he told me he loved me, that he was committed and that this long distance thing, this waiting, was worth it. and i thought about transfering (which i have been thinking SO much about) and i thought about the future. i thought about growing old and who i would want to spend my time with. (just so you know, no one compares) and i woke up feeling like those words were actually spoken, but after our conversation today, i know they weren't. (oh my god it was just a dream!) i know he wants his space and that if he truly loved me, and i mean really, wholeheartedly loved me, this wouldn't even be an issue. i feel so brokenhearted. i love him, but what can i do? what do any of us do when we aren't loved in return?


=(
I am currently Unsure
I am listening to fiona apple

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...
10/07/2005 04:58 p.m.
i saw the most painful thing today. it consisted of a boy and assumingly his girlfriend. he was waiting outside, in the hall, for her to let him in, to see her and hold her and tell her how much he loves her. and i watched him wait and i watched her emerge from the elevator and i watched her run to him and throw her arms around his neck and weep so gently. i watched him smile and kiss her forehead and mouth the words, "i love you" to her. i watched this and i thought, i can't run to you like that, even if i wanted to now. your arms won't be open and we aren't allowed to love.

and this, well, this realization broke my heart.

I am currently Detached

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...
10/05/2005 06:27 a.m.
i feel like i've just been hit so hard in the chest that i can't breathe. i found his myspace and it says he is single. which would be fine if he hadn't just THREE nights ago told me he still wanted to be with me. i can't take this. i don't even know where to begin.

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you're all the things i've got to remember.
09/30/2005 06:22 a.m.

i keep forgetting that i don't actually need a reason to miss you. i can miss you unconditionally simply because you're gone, and not just because i see two lovers holding hands or think about you kissing other girls who cry over you louder and harder than i ever could. i miss you and it gets harder and the nights grow colder and you grow colder and the distance is just as far away. i miss you and there's no one and nothing that will stop me. and i don't need a reason. and i need to remember that.



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and everything you do makes me want to die.
09/29/2005 05:46 a.m.
i used to wonder why he'd never
say i love you, blow secrets to the
winds
when i wasn't looking
or hold me as close as he could,
as if he was afraid to catch cold.

i used to wonder why, but i cannot
any longer, i can no longer wish
for his return.

i often think that we will meet again,
outside some shady bar where blunted
sillouttes melt into the sidewalk;

we will meet, if we meet, and i will walk
right passed him without the slightest look,
the slightest glint of recognition.

and the shadows of our ghosts will dance
and play behind our backs. it seems
only the blind are meant to see such things.

(those things even we aren't supposed
to
remember)

and i wish now, after all these months
and tears
and wishes to the stars

that i had held your shaking corpse long
enough to breathe life into those
hollow bones, to illicit something beautiful
out of, dare i say it, my own destruction.

and now, if i were to look upon your face,
painfully worn by fears and time and distance,
i'm afraid that you would be
foreign to me, like the words
i love you
and a tearless drive home.

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you're all there is now.
09/23/2005 03:25 p.m.
i regret now never having told him i loved him. i did, and i was just too scared of getting hurt to do so. but now i am hurting not because i never told him, but because he never loved in return.

i can't tell if i feel hung over or just sick. it's probably just a combination of the two.

(this is a test)



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difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over.
09/20/2005 06:59 p.m.
i have no one to complain to. so i keep it all pent up inside of me until i'm drunk and can't take it anymore and then i cry and cry and cry until i'm sober and sore and shaking. greg told me, "i really want to talk to you, but i have to go. can i call you later?" "yes!" my little heart jumped. but he never called. and he probably won't.

today infront of tate a man with a load voice and two friends preached the "bible" to anyone who would listen. they were angry and judgemental and hated everyone. two of the men carried signs larger than me high in the air exclaiming everyone who "made them sick" as the signs said. this included "jews who worship in the house of satan," "roman catholics," "child-molesting homosexuals," "smokers," "sports fanatics," "power-hungry women," "rebellious women," "mormons," and so so many more. this one girl began to cry. she got up on the stage where the man was screaming, and apologized, saying this man was no representative of the god she loves. she just cried and cried and i felt so awful. everything the three men said was mere entertainment for me, but for her, it was horrible, horrible slander. and i thought, "how strange it must be to love something (or someone) so much that i would be willing to get on a stage and cry for it." i don't believe in god, but i want something or someone in my life that when someone blasphemizes (is that a word?) it, i will shake and scream and cry and be so hurt and angry. i don't know. i guess i just want to feel truly passionate about something.


I am currently Calm
I am listening to a perfect circle (thought i'm not sure why)

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where are you arienette?
09/14/2005 07:57 p.m.
i was listening to "sunrise, sunset" by bright eyes earlier, and it just broke my heart. i don't know what's wrong with me.

last night greg and i had our first good conversation since i last saw him. he actually called me, which is also a first since i last saw him. i don't know what to do. he is confusing me and hurting me and it's not his fault. he's making it so much harder for me to move on.

what is wrong with me?!


I am currently Bothered

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i'll need this for sunnier days.
09/11/2005 11:22 p.m.
i need to remember that it is me who continues to let my heart break on repeat. he has done nothing for so long (isn't that always the problem?) and we are no longer together (didn't he make that perfectly clear tonight?) and if i am going to keep calling (on a weekly basis) i need to remember that. we no longer breathe the same air, we no longer skid the same soil, and he has moved on. how is it that i am stuck in some past dimension? i did get left behind, some how, and if i am to ever find my way back (alone) i need to take the time to heal myself from the heartbreak i keep causing. i put his pictures away, tucked them away with handfuls of tears, and i'm hoping that one day i'll be able to look at them and smile and be so happy for what i held (hold) so dear. i miss him so much, and i need to know that somewhere, out there, he feels badly too.

so i cut my hair and i'm going to start over. i'll meet new boys with new stories and i'll pretend to captivate myself for the time being. and later, when i'm alone in my bed, i will think of him and still be unsure. i have some rum in the closet with his name on it, and let's be honest, there's nothing that makes me feel better than falling asleep drunk, naked, and alone, crying about something that seems to have vanished after some night so long ago.


I am currently Hurt
I am listening to bright eyes

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why am i letting this break my heart?
09/04/2005 06:49 a.m.

i've been driving past your house all night in my head. i miss you so much right now, and maybe it's because your words are circling my room. or because i've thought over and over tonight how i wanted to kiss someone, anyone. and i hate myself and i want you to hate me so this would just be easier. i can't call you. i can't call you. i can't call you. i can't call you. i can't call you. and it's not fair. i can't stop crying or reading your words or blowing my nose or wishing that i was both alone and not alone right now. i'm not anything on my own. i'm not strong enough for myself and i'm falling. god, don't let me drown.


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