The Journal of Alison McKenzie

Page 68 of 365 – On not “needing” a partner
05/22/2015 10:15 p.m.

I want to say, I don't "need" a partner to be happy. I've always known that, but the last two years have driven home that truth. I'm ok on my own, and I actually enjoy many things about being single. Having experienced both conditions, my preference is to have a loving partner. But it's only a preference. I'm not "looking". I haven't been looking for a few years, things just sort of crop up, and I've chosen to engage some of the possibilities while not engaging other possibilities. Sometimes the ending has been my idea, sometimes the other person's.

Endings are just sad, mostly, however they come about. And I could stand a good long run without that particular circumstance in my life. I really have been so blessed in my life to know the happiness and joy of such good friends, and even partnerships/potential partnerships that had many good qualities. So it's not all gloom and doom, it really isn't. Idk. Maybe I should say "no" more often than I do.

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Page 67 of 365
05/22/2015 10:14 p.m.

Thank you, Universe, for constantly looking kindly upon me. Thank you for those who love, who are honest, and who are willing to close a door when a future with me does not seem like the right path. The honesty hurts, yes it does, but how much worse would it be if they'd stayed and had to reconcile themselves to authenticity later? How many years might have been spent on those paths where I did not belong?

To all those who shared love with me for a time and are now behind closed doors, thank you for sharing that part of the journey with me. I wish you love and peace and every bright outcome the future may bring.

I accept the solitude of my unaccompanied journey.

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Page 66 of 365
05/22/2015 10:12 p.m.

I discovered today that, sometimes, my mind has this ability use logic to make my fears sound very reasonable.

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Page 65 of 365
05/22/2015 10:12 p.m.

Sometimes we are kicked out of a place, a place that we believed to be home. It can arrive as quite a shock when it happens. And then we drift for awhile – sometimes a long while, sometimes a short while.

I've been drifting since October of 2013. I thought I'd found my home, but it was not to be. Before that, I'd been drifting for a much longer period of time, borrowing that sense of belonging wherever/whenever I was invited to do so.

Sometimes I'm still quite sad about losing that home. I catch glimpses of it every now and then, and when I do, sometimes I even see what used to be mine in those glimpses – a lamp that I bought, or pots and utensils that I once used to make our meals. His body with her arms around it.

I've always been a bit of a vagrant, in the kindest sense. (I don't use the word “gypsy” because I've discovered it isn't politically correct.) A wanderer, with little to show of longevity in my life.

I still hope that some day, and may that day be sooner than later at this stage of my life, I might find home again.

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Page 64 of 365
05/22/2015 10:09 p.m.

I always pay attention to how new people in my life honor or dishonor the people from their past. Do they speak of their journey with those in the past in derogatory ways? Or do they speak of the sadness of having to let go in kind terms? Do they rage on about some sort of retaliation they still wish to bring down on those people from the past, or the retaliation they enacted, or do they talk about what they learned and how they hope the other person is doing well now?

Generally speaking, no one is ever hoping that a relationship will need to end, even a new one. But sometimes they must. And we have all experienced ended relationships. It's how we speak about those endings that can offer insight into how we go forward.
For me, speaking in severely negative or derogatory terms about a person or persons from the past is a red flag if the retelling of the experience doesn't involve what was learned and how the healing from it is progressing.

And as I write this, I'm suddenly aware of needing to take my own temperature, too. How do I recount those past experiences that broke my heart? Am I taking adequate responsibility for my part in whatever dysfunction was present? Do I wish those involved in the past encounter well? What language do I use when I re-tell those stories? My thoughts on this certainly seem to be offering an opportunity for inward reflection!

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Page 62 of 365
05/22/2015 10:08 p.m.

So you see, maybe more clearly, that my soul may reside just a smidge on the wanderer side of the road, the non-economy lane made for those appearing alone in their vehicles, those of us driving solo. What you can't see are the guides, my higher self, the extra entities along for the back-seat-driver portion of the ride, my face-palm navigators who sigh every time I venture off map.

In all fairness, I did try to warn you that my software runs slightly off-center, and I've never yet laid my head in the land of my people.

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Page 56 of 365
04/22/2015 06:10 p.m.

Isn't anyone a healthy temperature anymore? Must everyone be all hot or all cold?

Why are distance relationships either so distant that the hope of touching practically doesn't even exist or is so desperate that you can't breathe?

I am nearly 100% convinced that distance is a barrier that is almost impossible to overcome. And of those who overcome that barrier...how is it done?

The dynamics of a “local”, “normal” relationship involve dating, little tidbits of getting to know one another over coffee, a hike, dinner, a movie; sampling the eye-to-eye interactions which allow both of you to try on the relationship in bite-size and manageable portions before you commit.

Long-distance relationship attempts are unable to provide this, and to me, that appears to be the one greatest factor in determining the success or failure of such an attempt. At any rate, in a distance relationship, the bonding seems to only be able to go so far before a meeting becomes necessary in order for the relationship to go forward.

I am disheartened, discouraged and depressed, and it seems quite probable that I'm going to die without having found a suitable partner with whom I can experience this period of my life. Sure, I can live alone, and living alone can even be pleasant. But it's definitely not my preference.

Sorry about the ramble, and the drama. Please continue to move freely about the universe.

I am currently: alone
Listening to: Steven Wilson, The Raven

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Page 52 of 365
04/12/2015 11:18 p.m.

It's so amusing to me, how younger people are always the ones to say "age is just a number".

I wonder, will it ever be my time for love? Biological realities always seem to prove that age isn't just a number. However, it isn't just younger men. I seem to be forever out of sync with love when any age man wants to be a part of my life.

This particular man wasn't inappropriately younger than me, he just hadn't had children yet, and I was clear from the beginning that I can't have more children. *sigh* As we got to know one another, it was easy to see that he clearly wanted children. Sure, he wanted the woman to be "as sweet" as me, and he wasn't sure he would ever feel the same about another woman as he did about me, but ultimately I couldn't give him what he wanted - a family. And having a family, if you want one, is an important stage of life.

I never thought I would be at this stage of my life and be alone. Alone is ok. I can do alone. It's just not my preference.

I feel myself shutting down to the possibility though. It's so difficult to navigate new relationships at this stage. I'm just almost sure we weren't meant to.

I am currently: disillusioned (which may be a good thing actually)
Listening to: 432hz on repeat

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Page 48 of 365
04/05/2015 07:52 p.m.

And this time we spent together wasn't a mistake. It was a necessary stop along the way. It revealed alternate endings that might have been missed otherwise. It bolstered us. It supported us. In loving one another, we were shown how kindness makes the world lighter. In loving one another, even if only for these breaths, our burdens were made easier from the sharing, and our hearts expanded in the process. Whatever we encounter next, our souls are better prepared, for having loved each other so well.

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Page 47 of 365
04/05/2015 07:52 p.m.

Saying goodbye because you can't give the other person what they rightly and honestly deserve probably hurts most of all. No anger, no bitterness, just...loss.

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