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The Journal of Christopher Shin

Me Drunk and Defeated
04/25/2009 07:59 a.m.
Pastels flicker and my imagination runs like a million butterflies in my a cluttered mind as moths explodes into my dark soul. I shutter as the explosion tosses me into the arms of the red vines. My blood rushes and screams with smoke of loves broken and tossed like discarded soldiers. I grasp with feeble hands around the neck of the glass, and try the last glass of wine. Ancient souls scream for understanding as the scabs of understanding blinds me. I hug the air and feel the tearing madness of love, but the embrace burns me with ashes of a thousand laughs. So I sit alone counting the people that pass me by, and I am not the sky or the world. I am the pawn and the idiot with a cone hat.
I am currently Bemused

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Tattoos
04/05/2009 07:27 a.m.
They say your damned to add ink to the body you have. Judeo Christian believe your body belongs to God and that inking it would be an insult. In Islam the same could be said, but what about surgery and cosmetic surgery. What about smoking and drinking? What about cremation? I don't care anymore about living or dying. I don't really care what people think about me or the pounds of flesh. I run and exercise just so that my body can feel the heart that pumps the blood. Or the lungs that gasps for air. What really matters is nothing, and all I can do is plan and draw doodles on my skin.
I am currently Bad

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Flaws
03/11/2009 05:24 a.m.
Personal flaws that I seem to I have that makes me no wiser then a fool. I can't stand to be around people. I should be happy to spark the interest of other souls, but all I can do is drive them away. To complain of my isolation and hate the world, but I do it to me. How childish and pathetic am I. To test to boundaries of the world because I just can't be with people but can't live without them.

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Great Another Year *sighs*
01/09/2009 05:53 a.m.
So it's another year, and I'm back from Texas and find myself trying to reinvent the blood wheel again. So I decided to stop smoking. I wonder how that will last. I noticed today at the gym I gained ten pounds from not working out and drinking on my vacation. This means get back to running and burn that 10 pounds off. This also means no more distraction and ignore the fact that relationships end up with more girlfriends then I really need.
I am currently Bored

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Frustration Kills Me
11/08/2008 09:40 a.m.
Do you ever feel there is a point to it all. We all have this faith and hope for the future but in it all we are doomed, and we are just the last person on the boat as it sinks into the sea? I am nothing but a poor pawn in my diluted self deprecated belief. When all the winners take and all I can do is handle the scraps behind. All I want is the happy ending, but all I see is that I don't even deserve that. When my voice is just an enemy to the world. So drop the bombs down and I have an X on my chest. Cause all my friends don't appreciate my voice and call me all names cause when I voice out it doesn't boom with them. So stab me and let me die. Cause it is one more mouth to feed to this stupidity. This life is not worth coming back to. Shove the bullet down cause I'm down with it all.

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Stranger
10/25/2008 09:59 a.m.
So my friend put me on her flier. She is a dj and promoter for her club in L.A. I sometimes frequent the club just to be part of society. Or maybe to feel more alive. I just felt awkward she would put a small picture of me. The feeling is that I'm nobody special, and yet she thinks I am cool. Weird how people think of you when you think little of yourself. I know her and her boyfriend for a long time yet I feel I am a stranger to everyone.

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Ashes in my Pie
07/19/2008 06:56 a.m.
Let's write everything and begin with the end and work our way back to where it all went wrong. Maybe we will figure out the problems that my humanity brings, and maybe I can cash in all the chips. Cause this house always wins, and I'm tired of being sad. Prices are all we have and I don't want the attention that so many people want. I just want to write things that are common and tragic. Without the pesky sympathy and false friendships. I'm tired of people trying to find the meaning and solutions when all they need to do is feel better about themselves. Let me eat my pie, and choke on the ashes in the middle.

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Soul Disease
07/18/2008 09:11 a.m.
I sat and listen to a lecture of blood disease, and my eyes shifted to the clock. The heart is dying and all the crimson trails lead to nothing. Youth is spent like nickalodeon, and all I can do is peer with eager eyes. I buy another bottle of rum since the last one is dry, and stocks of beverage line next to burning tobacco. Weekend comes and I'm struggling to deal with the weight on my head. Relatives hang to close, and I'm going to shock them all one day. I wish I was the bright star, but I stroke the black hole in the center of my chest as I suck out the marrow of my being.

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A long drive to nowhere
07/17/2008 05:30 a.m.
I drove through the busy streets and listened to sad ballads. My heart beat broke the sadness with thoughts of ideals I was told when I was young. The ambition of growing up fast. To find the promise stripped away joy like a million fleeting wings. I saw feathers glide down on my wind shield, and cancer grow amongst the petals. A girl smiled and looked away as I glanced into another world, and we are divided by fiberglass. Then she kissed a boy next to her, and all I can do is watch the world find peace, but the darkness rages in me. I surrender to the velvet skies and the silver lightening that only shakes me to the core. Souls gone and I am a lone figure as I drag onward and forward. Why does it feel that the cold is teasing me, and the coat in my trunk begs to be worn? I wish that the clouds would open and take the sorrow in the four chambers, but all I can do is stand amongst the beauty and drown in my isolation.

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Someway
07/16/2008 09:15 a.m.
Most of the nights I drink the bottle down, and like a simple thought I turn around and think about all the draining hopes. They compound me, and each port seems so distance and hostel. No piece of redemption comes, and I feel that the winter bones are no longer mine to control. Heart breakers and broken souls linger past me, and I brush against them. I stare enviously cause I know the broken can mend, but what about me? What happens to the broken whose pieces are scattered to the distant wind? What happens to those who never belonged, and will never see familiar lands? I just don't know anymore, and my friends become strangers. My salvation has closed it's door and turned on the no vacancy. I'm slowly losing my hopes and their small like tic tacs. My hands just can't pick them up anymore. I'm frustrated and I just want it to get beter some how some way.

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