bathroom thinking
03/14/2011 04:49 p.m.
Today while bathrooming (a more polite term , in my opinion, than "using the bathroom") I was thinking. Part of my thinking was me telling a story to an imaginary audience, or writing an imaginary story down. I tell all the backstory to myself and make it dramatic. For kicks.

Anyhow. I was bathrooming today and thinking about how when I was 16 I felt so mature. And then at 20 realized that actually, no, I had no clue. But at 20, okay NOW I have things figured out. And now at almost 24 I'm thinking, HA! 20? what did I know at 20?? I hadn't even lived on my own for a year!

So today it occurred to me that when I am however old I will have so much wisdom, and life experience, and all the 16 year olds, and 20 year olds and 24 year olds will not want my information. Because they will have to figure it out on their own to truly appreciate it. A touch-the-hot-stove type of situation.

It scares me today to think about how unaware I am of so many things. Because I remember the feeling of clarity when I realized how it felt to hear people talk about miscarriages. Or low-income families. Or even how I felt last Friday when I compared how I wanted people to treat a little friend I have at work who is ESL, and off to kindergarten eventually to how I treated an ESL student when I was in kindergarten.

Today I feel scared and intimidated by life. But I'm sure when I'm 28 this day will make more sense.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to the kitties "bathrooming"

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And some happy news...
11/24/2008 02:00 a.m.

I'm engaged!!! Tim proposed to me this morning. Right around lunch time.

It doesn't feel like this georgeous ring belongs to me. I can't wait untill it's sized and I can wear it on the proper finger for everyone to see!!

I love him.

(Yay, Trish!! We can go wedding dress shopping!)
I am currently Wired
I am listening to Tim playing Grand Theft Auto

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again with the silence
02/12/2008 11:49 p.m.

We had a rare moment this morning where neither of us had to be anywhere in particular. So we lay in bed together and cuddled and talked about life and how in love with each other we are.

As the conversation usually turned to babies, as it usually does when I'm in it, we started talking about all the different options. In hospital, home birth, etc. and about how what with my RA the option of anything but a hospital birth was pretty much out of the question. That my doctors would look at me, laugh, and tell me it was the hospital.

"Can doctors actually do that? Just lay down the law and tell you 'no'?" he asked me, with a half laugh in his voice.

"They've done it before."

I hate myself for doing that. For bringing it all up when I know he has no idea what to tell me. He doesn't know how to tell me what I feel like I need to hear. All he can do is tell me he loves me and that one day we'll have another chance. That it will all be okay.

I don't even know what I need to hear from him.

I just feel like I have to keep talking about it. I have to say it out loud. I can't let myself forget.

Each time I say something he looks at me quietly and says nothing. And I want to appoligise for bringing it up. But I can't. Because I needed to say it, and I know I'll do it again.
I am currently Unhappy

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Tuesdays
11/20/2007 03:54 p.m.
Tick tock tick tock
"What's that?"
"Oh, just my maternal clock."
I am currently Sad
I am listening to hum of the computer

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