Ok now
08/28/2003 05:02 p.m.
I have been going up and down all week with school starting.  I finally figured out I only have 5 more semesters, which is better than I though, I thought I had 7.  And I tried planning out my schedule so that the last few semesters I can just take electives, which would be fun.  My classes are ok.  I like my professors, well, not my Geography substitute, but she will only be there another week, and then the real teacher's coming back.  I already have 2 or 3 8-10 page papers that will be due at the end of the semester.  I'm housesitting for Phoebe's family today through sunday.  It'll be nice, they have a hot tub.  God, I am just full of hideously boring information.  I'm done now.
I am currently Fine
I am listening to Cynthia drying her hair

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School! Oh the humanity!
08/24/2003 07:35 p.m.
School starts tomorrow. In 24 hours, I will be sitting in my Women's Studies class. Damn damn damn. I just went shopping for some school supplies and they only had wide rule paper, no college rule paper. What a pisser. I'm in college, so obviously, I need college rule paper. Whatever. I'm very horribly depressed about school starting. Horribly horribly depressed. I got excited for a minute yesterday, thinking about classes I want to take: Linguistics, Poetry, and Women's studies, but anthropology is gonna kill me! Oh well. That's the way it goes. I have 5 more semesters of school if I have at least 16 credits per semester. I can handle this. Yes. I can. Gah, who am I kidding. I'm gonna go eat peach cobbler for breakfast. Maybe that will ease the pain of summer being over and Alaska being plunged back into miserable freezing darkness. Maybe I'll just have beer from breakfast.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to My growing anxiety

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New score
08/22/2003 08:16 a.m.
For those of you keeping score, I win. I sent Marcos an e-mail about paying me back the money, and he responded with his jackass attitude again, but said he would pay the money. That's not the important thing though. I just realized that it's done. I mean, all of it. It's over. He really doesn't matter anymore. I appreciate the relationship for what it was, that I loved him, but it no longer matters. I can't keep hating so much, it only hurts me. God, I feel like I've been reborn after months in the dark. I'm very satisfied. He didn't hurt me. It's very empowering to realize that he doesn't have control anymore, I do. Thanks
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to The Cure-Pictures of You

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I'm back
08/21/2003 06:22 p.m.
I'm back from my 3 day retreat in Seward. I had to have a positive attitude. For those of you that have read anything I've written on this site, you will see that I do not have a positive attitude, I'm a cynical jerk. I had a headache, probably from holding in all my rage. I just sent Marcos an e-mail I wrote a long time ago about giving me back my money. It's not very nice, but I think it's time. I just want to be done. I don't want to think of him every day. I want to be indifferent to his presence on Earth. I pierced my tragus. It's not something in the crotch area, it's a nub above my earlobe, but not the cartilidge up high. It's har to explain, maybe I should put up a new picture. My hair's grown a lot since the last picture I posted. So I promised my roommate I would do this cabbage soup diet with her. I don't really want to, but she spent a lot of money on food for it, so I'm gonna because I'd be pissed if I spent money on food for her and she didn't eat it. Anyway, I guess that's all for now.
I am currently Fine
I am listening to The Cure-Pictures of You

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Nope, Not finished yet
08/18/2003 05:46 a.m.
I want to tattoo the word "Irony" on my body. I think it'd be funny, though Phoebe thinks it's stupid. That is the only thing that's certain (irony), besides change, which i choose to ignore. I want to go to beauty school, which people also think is stupid. I want to be a flight attendant, but I'm scared to fly. I want to be an x-ray tech like my mom, but I don't like science. Everything I thought these last few months is wrong and I need to find the right path again. But I'm lost, lost, lost. Things about Jeff, I just don't know, and Phoebe doesn't like it. But is this one of those times where I say "Fuck it, it's about me now." Or do I forget it? DOn't know. I just tried talking to my uncle on the internet, he didn't know who I was. Even after I said who it was, or maybe he just wasn't paying attention. Jenny's married. I almost got married. I wanted to get married. I think finding that person must be great. Because this dating thing sucks. At least if your married, you get to have sex, even if it is with just one person, because I haven't had sex in almost a year. A YEAR. 12 months, in case you didn't know. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. I don't remember what it's like. In fact, maybe I never really did it. I'm 21, I should be getting ass left and right, but I haven't even kissed anyone since June. JUNE. And that was awkward. I have been so down today. I realized that I love my best friend more than she loves me. I think. And whenever I'm with her, all she talks about are her other friends, and the cools things she's going to do, that I'm not going to do with her. It bumms me out. I don't know what to do anymore. I used to be so sure about things and now I'm just fucked. I don't want to go to UAA anymore, I hate it. I hate the fucking campus center. I hate answering questions about the goddamn campus, and other random shit. I hate seeing the same people. I hate living in Anchorage. I love to read. I like to be alone. I hate driving. I like eating (Love eating.) THis is all weighing down on my so much, I feel like everything in my life has been a lie, like I need to start again, like I have a broken heart, but I don't have a broken heart, I don't think. I don't know. I need to calm down, but sometimes I can't. I feel like I felt in January after Marcos broke up with me, lost lost lost. I wish I at least had a goal that I actually wanted, instead I have a goal I sort of care about, but not all that much. What the hell has happened to me. I'm freaking out. I'm so tired of the unknown. I don't know how much longer I can stick it out in this place. Should I move back home after my lease expires? I don't know. One day at a time. One. Two. Three. Scream.
I am currently Freaky
I am listening to Saul WIlliams

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Off to crazy land!
08/18/2003 05:24 a.m.
I'm going to Seward tomorrow on a "manager's retreat." I hope it's fun and it's not one of those open emotional things. I have no idea though. So I have feelings for someone after such a long time, and he actually feels the same way. Problem: Lives in WASHINGTON!!! Goes to school in FAIRBANKS. Fuck. We'll see what happens.

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Adrianne's a nice girl
08/16/2003 08:15 p.m.
Adri told me that she likes my work. Now I am pleased. Sometimes I just lose all confidence in everything. I dunno. I shouldn't do that to myself, but I do. THat's all for now.
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to TV

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Grrrrrr.
08/14/2003 10:27 p.m.
The more I read my own work the more I hate it and think I should delete everything. This site is so full of talented writers and I write crap about pie and weezer (I am not saying Weezer is crap, but the stuff I write about them is.) I waste all this time on here writing stuff no one wants to read and people only give good ratings because they don't want to be rude. Dammit! This is why I don't have more than 4 votes on any poems, because they don't have a "This is crap" rating. Anyway, now I must go. I went to bed last night at 7:30pm and woke up @ 5:30am. It's official, I am my grandmother.
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to Outkast

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Now what?
08/14/2003 05:33 p.m.
I just got back from California and Seattle. I had a good time. I went for my cousin's wedding, which was nice. The ceremony wasn't as touching as other weddings, it was very very catholic, but I think that it's what my cousin wanted, so it's cool. The reception was pretty fun. I sat at a table with my cousins, who I only see about once a year. I really like my cousin Matt, he's almost 16 and really funny. Most of them are shy around me because honestly, we don't know each other all that well, but we're family, so we keep getting thrown together. But my grandpa bought me a drink and I danced with my grandma and cousins and stuff, so it was cool.

I had a lot of fun in Seattle, actually Puyallup (if that's how you spell it.) I was only there for 2 days, but I went to go see Jeff and it was really fun. I forgot in the 2 months I hadn't seen him how much fun he is to be around. I was worried about his brother not liking me, but we got along too. He's the singer in this band called Muffin Man, and I really like their music. Anyway, now I have a dilemma.

What do you do when a person that you really really like lives in Washington and goes to school in Fairbanks? Do you try to form some sort of relationship anyway? Or do you just ignore the connection and sexual tension and move on? I have no idea.
I am currently Clueless
I am listening to The humming freezer

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Brown Eyed Girl again
08/03/2003 05:29 p.m.
It is just my perverted mind, or does anyone else think that the line in Brown Eyed Girl that is "Goin down to the old mine with a transistor radio" sounds like "Going down on the old man with a transistor radio?" I know that's weird. I used to think that the Cal Worthington car commercials that said "Go see Cal, go see Cal, go see Cal" were saying "pussy cow." I asked around on that one though, and that's pretty common for little kids, or at least my generation. My friend Megan thought that a rum and coke was a roman coke. I guess that's not to upsetting except for the fact that she goes to Yale. Random thoughts. I went to a wedding yesterday. It was really nice. Lots of love/alcohol. My older sister's boyfriend and I tried to make my little sister drink champagne, but she is 14 and not into it. I guess that's good. I didn't drink until I was 18, and let me tell you, half a bottle of absolut vodka chased with diet dr. pepper is not the best combination, especially when teamed with a hideous make-out. Anyway, I'm going to Seattle tomorrow! Wohoo! I hope my plane doesn't crash. Knock on wood.
I am currently Good
I am listening to The humming freezer

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