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The Journal of Christel Crews

piece of nothing
11/10/2013 08:21 a.m.
Why is it that time and time again, all that I feel
is that I'm a piece of meat?
When I'm looking for more, in the end, I'm worth nothing
or that is how they make me feel

I dreamed a dream in time gone by...
quoting les mis here
but its true
my dreams are forever gone
the idea that someone will treat me like something of value
and something like a treasure
is just a dream
all i am, or so i've come to find, is a piece of meat
good enough for a day
but not good enough to keep
chew me up and spit me out -
apparently that's all i'm good for

and i'm sick of it.
I am currently Angry

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prayer
02/04/2013 01:29 a.m.
Give me
Clarity to See
Quiet to Hear
and
Calm to Rest
I am currently Thoughtfull

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exhausted
01/18/2013 02:52 a.m.
Stepping out into this world
everywhere I turn
there stands before me
A picture-perfect image
of the life I was supposed to have

Please don't tell me to be patient
Don't recommend prayer
Don't explain that you have troubles too
Please, just for today, just smile
and walk away
I am listening to the ticking clock

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ok
01/16/2013 03:48 a.m.
I truly am "ok". I get asked every day, and I have to answer, because when compared to those in 3rd world countries, to those who have lost their homes to natural disasters, or to those who have loved ones terminally ill, I truly am ok.

But is "ok" all there is? How come I look at some and see joy in their eyes? I can't begin to grasp what joy feels like. I look at some and see a life that I was supposed to have, before the health issues, the debt, the unknowns. Is it "ok" for me to not be "ok" when a piece of me dies each time I'm faced with the reality that what they have, I will never have?

I wonder.

Sometimes, it seems trivial, shallow of me, to complain about not being happy, but in the same breath, I have lost every hope of grasping anything and everything I ever dreamed of. Do you know what it feels like to watch EVERY dream float away on the wind, never to be seen again? If you don't, then maybe you shouldn't stand there and tell me that God has called us to a life of sacrifice.

I know sacrifice. I know it well. I've lived it for years. Is this all there is? Is there a time when life hands you a moment of joy, happiness, guilt-free contentment? I am beginning to doubt I will ever know what that feels like.

My only comfort is staying busy, so when asked how I am doing, I can respond honestly, insanely busy!!!! With a smile on my face, because if I'm busy then I'm not having to constantly face the dreams that were lost years ago.

I have forgotten what hope feels like, and without hope, without vision, you, what makes you - you, vanishes.
I am currently Questioning
I am listening to the whirling fan

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it's 3am...
01/09/2010 08:31 a.m.

that's correct, ladies and gentlemen. it is 3 o'clock in the morning on this the beautiful, snowy day of january 9th and so far, i have not slept a wink. what would cause this terrible thing? well, i'll tell you. tonight, i saw the movie The Pianist for the first (and only) time and i can not sleep. images keep flashing before my eyes. thoughts and prayers keep echoing across my mind. are we really THAT detached from the horror and tragedy that occurred less than 75 years ago? are we that naive to think that it could never happen again? are we that materialistic that we complain all day long about our busy schedules, our daily trifles when not one life time ago, millions were annihilated. i am so disturbed i can't help but keep uttering, "oh God, have mercy".

my worries and my fears concerning my family pale in comparison to what was portrayed on that screen. so what if we can't make our bills and we've been behind since august. so what if we have drained our savings and have no credit card buffer, so what if we're not making enough and i'm back to working 40 hours a week. so what? our problems are nothing to what they went through. my heart just aches, cries out on their behalf. are there really people in this world that do not value life? its such a scary thought. war is happening all around us, and we are so sheltered here in the states. sure, our bill of rights are being infringed upon and we live in a more socialist nation than democratic but at least we are not living in fear for our lives every waking second of every day. at least we are not separated from our loved ones and forced to dwell in our own feces. we are not starving. we have warm beds, family in reach via phone or internet, friends to call in a time of need.

so, i am guessing sleep will not come to me tonight, but that is ok. in the long run, it will probably do me good to dwell on all i have to be thankful for and put my small life into perspective once again.

Lord, have mercy upon us.
I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to the clock

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My 2010 Wish List
12/21/2009 05:03 a.m.
10. that my sewing machine saga would work itself out
9. that i would have favor in my new job
8. that we would see God's hand of provision in a fresh new way
7. that we would see 2-3 credit cards paid off
6. that the wasps would not come back in the spring
5. that my husband would be offered a renewed contract for the 2010/11 year
4. that my husband would be in good health all year
3. that i would be in good health
2. that we would have more time to spend together
1. that my husband finishes his degree and we can close that chapter of our lives forever!
I am currently Tired

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mr. knightley
07/25/2009 03:20 a.m.
i sold my car yesterday. his name was mr. knightley and he was such a wonderful car! always so dependable and never in the shop, just normal maintenance. why did we sell him? well, we needed to be rid of the car payment and in need of a boost in our savings because we might be without a paycheck very shortly for a month or two and we're trying to stay afloat.

i'm sorry to see mr. knightley go, but there comes a time in one's life, when we must part with things, like cars.

:-)

so, here's my tribute to mr. knightley, a good car and happy memories.
I am currently Nostalgic
I am listening to the hum of the computer fan

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I HAVE A NEPHEW!!!
12/15/2006 02:26 a.m.
Yesterday, my sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy around 8am. They named him Ian, which I love!, and both mom and baby are doing well. I'm so thankful for a healthy addition to our family. Now I have an excuse to buy baby clothes again! Yay!!!

With each birth in my family, I'm reminded of lyrics that actually have nothing to do with babies, but have everything to do with new beginnings:


"i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you "


I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to scrubs on the TV

Comments (1)


you need questions, forget about the answers
11/23/2006 11:49 p.m.


Why do I write "Happily ever after" before there is even a "Once upon a time"?

Why do I wait for the floor to fall out from beneath me?

Why do I expect the worst?

Why do I reassure myself that this time it will be different?
When it always is the same...

When will the tide change?

When will I see the land in sight?

When will the questions be answered?
How am I supposed to behave until then?
How am I supposed to respond?

What do you want me to learn from this?

I asked for a clear answer and all I'm left with is questions.




I am currently Bothered
I am listening to Over the Rhine

Comments (2)


a recent conversation...
04/27/2006 04:07 a.m.
J: "i love being single- i don't have to shave everyday"
Me: "you're not single"
J: "yes, i am"
Me: "no, you have someone who calls you everyday and you have a date EVERY Friday and Saturday. you have someone to call when you want to talk and someone who will call you back when they miss your call. you are not single. i am single."
J: "but i'm not married"
Me: "but you're not single."
J: "oh"


grrrrr
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to a re-run of Will and Grace,

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