Blue beads
09/09/2003 09:35 p.m.
I have been crying for about an hour straight. I don't think I can stop. But I have nothing to be sad about, really. I confuse myself sometimes.

Emotions get the better of me, they really do. My heart muscles are zinging with a pent-up need for release, and there's no where to get that from. No where. Whatever it is that's got me will not loosen it's grip. It's hurting my chest. And so the tears come, with no apparent culprit to blame.

I can only liken it to a 'love' kind of feeling. But not love, it aches too much and it isn't directed at anything. I don't think it's quite strong enough either and it has none of the benefits. It's a little like listening to a song that once had a lot of memories linked to it, but it's been so long since you last heard it, that it's lost all significance. A dull, clenching squeeze.

Ironically, the song "Raspberry Beret" Won't leave me alone, it's driving me insane.

I suppose I will just wait it out. Hope for the best. Curl up under my quilt and sing silence to myself. This will sound stupid if you're reading this. I'm sorry.

blue beads around my wrists, they fell from my eyes...
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to my mind

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Cloning?
09/07/2003 10:41 p.m.
There are too many Sarahs in this world -.- I feel very unoriginal.

I think I shall change my name to Bernard. Or quite possibly Bob. It might not suit me, but at least that way I'll be unusual (from a female point of view at least).


A poem just fell out today.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Incubus

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Brain farts galore
08/31/2003 09:16 p.m.
I can't get a single creative spark to zing between my lobes at the moment. It's driving me mad, I feel so... Barren.

I'm going to read a thesaurus. Yes, that's right. Read.




I am currently Stupid
I am listening to Some random instrumental piece on the radio

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{Squiffy}
08/29/2003 09:57 p.m.
I've changed my picture (finally)


I look a bit on the squiffy side in it... Very very different to the last one.... Could be the light.... Eh.


I order you all to go and buy yourselves' a brand new pack of crayons. You are then to draw yourself a picture in the most childish colours you can find. Don't try to keep the colouring in the lines, just scribble to your heart's content. If you do that, you may just glimpse how I'm feeling right now... Other than strange about the new picture.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to Audioslave- Like a Stone

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excuses
07/01/2003 03:21 p.m.
I have been away for... Too long.

I intend to actually put pen to paper again soon, it's been a hard couple of months and I've been drained of the want to write, mainly because I don't like what I've been feeling recently and I don't want to prod it too much just now. It's an emotional state that I'll revisit when things have calmed down and I've settled into the new course of forthcoming events.

I should write a longer entry, but I'm too fractured right now to even hink of putting the pieces back into the thoughts I want to write down here. *sigh*

I will write soon. I will.
I am currently Bleh

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Blindfolds and threads. Platonic and tearful.
05/29/2003 01:07 a.m.
A few weeks ago, I suddenly remembered a very good friend of mine, who I hadn't seen in about a year... I sent him a prod on the shoulder, asking him how he was, and not suprisingly (as it was about midnight at the time) I got a pretty cold reply.

No word for about two weeks

Then, suddenly; an email. Amazingly unexpected. Almost apologetic (I don't understand why) in its occurance. What does he want? Do I open it now?

There's always a slight feeling of aprehension that accompanies lengthy letters, emails included. They can hold serious topics of meaningful conversation in their lines which make me want to curl up in a dark place, avoiding emotional confrontation and possible down-treadment (not a word, I know).

I read. tentative.

Like a ghost from the not-so-distant past. Smack!

But that's irrelevant.

I worry so much about this boy. At times I sense severe messed-upness. And he's so nice, so easy to talk to, it breaks my heart to even think that he's suffering at the hands of pillocks and scum-suckers. Inwardly.

I hope. I hope. I hope.

But its funny how reality can catch up with you. I met him today; first proper meeting in a year. Things seem different when you act out your intentions. I wanted to get across... That he's not alone. I don't know what's bothering him exactly, but I just... Just wanted to offer up some form of friendship again. Just some form of signal that not everyone he used to know was a complete bastard.


Its amazing how awkward-a situation that can be.

I hope I did right. Why does it matter so much to me at two in the morning?



I'm... Scared. Actually scared, flailing about blindly myself. So suprised that he doesn't seem to have any other form of support from elsewhere. Oh Naive, Sarah! Not everyone has that benefit.

But yes. Flailing is a good way to describe me at the moment. Let alone anyone else.
My world is actually changing, pretentious and stupid as it sounds. Socially as well as in any other way. And here I am, a small island at the brink of some unknown. Call it adulthood, I call it alienation.

Today was one of those awkward, beautiful days. One of those days that I need to save in a jar as my final seven months of childhood tick by. Seven months. Thats all I have left of this stage of my life, legally. Technically.

I don't know whether I anticipate or dread next christmas.

Today, with its awkward, blundering, butterflyfrail beauty is an endangered species.

I only hope I can at least hand over a silver thread to certain friends to help them out of the not-so-good days that seem to pepper this less than tranquil world.

I hope that makes sense. I'm tired. Send me to sleep someone please.
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to Every breath you take (and other 'cheesy' songs)

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Purple smoke rings.
05/22/2003 07:06 p.m.
Some things I need to remind myself of and that pop culture has taught me.

1. I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake.
2. Take the red pill.
3. There is no spoon.


I hope I don't come off as pretentious. Sometimes I need to pull myself back to earth. But its so much more interesting from a higher vantage point. Perhaps its oxygen depprevation. Sweet suffocation.

*sigh*
I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to radiohead

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Histoire
05/11/2003 04:46 p.m.
what I'm trying to say is this: Because of large amounts of somewhat important exams... My appearences here are going to go from sporradic to scarce for the next little bit.

Mainly because I need to make up for a bad year in my revision efforts (it hasn't been good but could have been worse, there were lots of deaths, trips to intensive care to see people, meh)
Also because I need to revise very hard to make sure I get the highest possible grades I can, so that I'm on target for next year. Next year being University applications time. There's quite a lot of pressure on me there. But never mind, people on the internet don't need to know this - I don't want to think about it either.

The point is, if I don't comment or post for a bit, its not that I've abandoned you. I've just put a "gone to lunch" sign on my door and headed off to hit the books.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to the rain drumming its fingers on my window

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Lights as petals
05/05/2003 05:11 p.m.
I'm still here. Though currently suffering from a lack of creative juices. Running a little low having done a lot of manditory, mundane and trivial things lately. Not to mention exams are on their way - Though I'm sure that some polititians would disagree, I don't feel that the Liberal reforms of Edwardian England are particularly inspirational, creatively speaking. I need fresh air and a chance to breath {windrushflowflutter.... OR something}




I may go kite flying. I haven't done that since I was about seven and I feel the need to get something up, flying somewhere. In that early summer haze. Nice feelings in the air at the moment, makes me restless. Hippyish. I seem to be able to flick the hippy-switch on very quickly as of late. I'm considering investing in a VW van and some cheese-cloth shirts. I already have the daisies in my hair and a certain obsession with Bob Dylan among others.....


Stamp feet to territory's soil. Gasp, pulling at threads between us... What am I talking about. Emotions are difficult to put into words at times, which is why I feel my poems are quite often clumsy and inarticulate in their explanation. Perhaps thats what makes me attempt, to try and make something from the lyrical stutters......




Freckles are spreading across my nose again. Shine on, sun.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Placebo

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depth
04/24/2003 12:37 a.m.
I was once told, by a very good (if not very close... does that make sense?) friend that I would never be able to be truly happy. Because true happiness is for those of little intellect and awareness.

Of course there would be moments when I was content or more likely, delerious with happiness - tasting true highs. But it'd never last forever. There'd always be someone to steal my fire. And why? Because I care.

Great.
I am currently Odd
I am listening to goo goo dolls

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