I Feel Like this Life is not Mine...
12/29/2005 08:38 p.m.

So much has changed in the last year.  It's all hitting me now, not so much that it is the end of the year, but because this is the first time I visited New York since this summer.

I live in Michigan.  I am really independant.  I work two jobs.  I run a barely fledgling company (but one that is lots of fun).  I am not seeing anyone.  I am no longer living with my best friend.

I went from what seemed to be a great relationship to this weird constant status quo.  I went from having my social life revolve around my roommates to have it revolve around, well someone I'm not.

Work-aholic, boring, those aren't words that normally describe me.  But it's my way of coping in Michigan.  Don't get me wrong, I have lots and lots of amazing friends there.  But I'm still not me.  Well, I've been me around someone else twice, and laughed till my sides hurt, and that has been a light through the clouds. 

I am myself when I explore town.  When I do something like, snowboard, something solitude based.  I've been healthy, I've been productive.  But I just have to remind myself, Michigan IS my life.  This is something I'm living, therefore, I need to be me, and show who I am. 

I throw parties so I can be social without having to socialize, but you know--I like that.  I like sitting in a cafe with so many people around me, without ever talking to a single one.

But I miss apartment 214.  I miss the life I had then.  But it wasn't perfect either.  I had this subtle depression that I didn't show all the time.  But it had me down a lot of the time.  And now, although I know that I'm not me, at least I know who I am.  I've never felt so independent in my life, I need to stop whining over Michigan, and I need to live MY life.

First Russia...
08/21/2005 04:45 a.m.

...then Michigan.

Wow, I must really have a thing for the winter.  I keep chosing the warmest places to go. ;)

But for now, I'm living in Michigan.  No more city girl for me.  As I said to Daniel -- I bought fresh corn on the cob in the husks this morning.  I didn't even know they made 'em that way!

No Matter What... at the end of the day,
06/10/2004 03:57 p.m.

I have my piano to come home to!

Who needs a guy when you have the ivories to spend one, two... (five) hours tickling?

Oh, sweet music

Back from Russia!
06/02/2004 09:49 p.m.

Hey everyone! I'm back.  I kept a journal, and may post it if I feel productive.

Oh and its "Das" or "Dus" depending on your dialect.  The way I say it is "Das"

But I prefer a casual "Pa-ka!"

Hiya Pathetic!
05/21/2004 10:06 p.m.
Hi to everyone from this pathetic student studying in Russia!

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On Another Poetry Binge Again
04/17/2004 04:42 p.m.

Reading every name I can find on pathetic right now and sometimes devouring huge chunks of libraries.

A minute into 21!
02/23/2004 05:00 a.m.
My first minute as being a legal 21 year old... hehe

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I'm not dead yet!
01/25/2004 08:56 p.m.

I realize I haven't posted anything in quite a while -- I've been rather obsessed with prose lately.

But this entry isn't to explain my whereabouts.  Its just an observation I've made.  Counting my poems not on pathetic, the majority of my writing is about two subjects--my brother(mostly his illness) and the mountain I grew up on.  After posting a few poems about the mountain, I've heard other stories about people's childhood places being destroyed or commercialized over time.

One of my major goals for the future was to buy back my old house and to try to restore things to the best of my ability.  But I'm starting to think, perhaps I should move on.  Perhaps this is part of the progression of life.  Somethings will be damaged beyond repair.

Would it be best to stop visiting and let the place live on in my mind?  Through visiting, I keep witnessing this artificial entropy (yes, I know that's an oxymoron), and it is driving me crazy.  Can it really be stopped?  Should I stop forcing myself to see it?

Or maybe I just need a new mountain...

Studying = almost done
12/17/2003 03:22 p.m.
As of 1:30, I will be at my last test... finally!
I am currently Anxious

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If you see me on pathetic...
12/12/2003 05:33 p.m.

...from tonight till monday night... yell at me that studying is more important to me now than poetry.

I don't really believe it, but I need to make it so ;)

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