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The Journal of Bet Yeldem

pepperoni & flan
01/04/2006 03:34 a.m.

i donít know the name of the first boy i kissed
not that i forgot Ė i never knew it
he was a dirty Puerto Rican boy with shaggy thick black hair
i was 12 and he nearly 17
it was around 9 pm when he passed by as i sat in my driveway
9:01 by the time we climbed into my fatherís car
he tasted like pizza and smelled of a hint of vanilla caramel
he tried to put his hands in my shirt
and for a split second, i thought iíd let him do anything
just because he was beautiful
and then, when i remembered that he was a stranger, i ran inside
i brushed my teeth for an hour afterwards and tried my hardest not to throw up
but the lesson never stuck
my wandering eyes and careless lips have caused more trouble than youíre worth

I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Gavin DeGraw

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things i miss
06/29/2005 03:57 p.m.

Iíd like to paint the world green
wander through lush gardens and tall grasses sprinkled
with wildflowers and blackberry patches.
I miss hanging moss and old tree trunks fallen with rot,
toadstools growing underneath, and the smell of wet earth.
I miss front porch swings and the sound of thunderstorms and the clean cool breeze on the Florida Ė Georgia line.
I miss wasted days wandering through woods, climbing red clay cliffs, and spelunking deep into dark and damp secret caverns, discovering hidden springs, and making forest trails with bare feet.
I miss dare devil bridge diving.
I miss nights by the river under the stars.
I miss reading on rooftops of houses I didnít own.
I miss lost hours watching ants at work and lying in fields of clover.
And I miss him.

I am currently Lucky
I am listening to Fractal

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something old i just found
06/24/2005 03:16 p.m.
l-o-v-e

the four letter word
gnawing on my heart
feeding on my fear and pain
fueling my insecurity
forcing me to internalize
every hopeless wish
twisting them to rational excuses
the reasons why i canít say yes
let go, be here, hold you
know that you are meant for me
and believe in the fairytale
of happily ever after

but i trust your soulful eyes
the feel of your hands on my skin
the trail of kisses you leave behind
like rose petals up the stairs

i follow you to the secret room
and closing my eyes
pretend that i am the dream
you seem to see in me

this bittersweet tension is all i offer
donít wait for my lips to confess
l-o-v-e



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how do you know what you're feeling when you don't know how to f
06/24/2005 04:39 a.m.
hold still, baby, let me take a look
at that wound
youíre right, itís too deep for kissing
away the hurt
stitches canít mend your brokenness
and i can only
hold your hand while you clench
your teeth tight
to keep from screaming out in pain
boys donít cry
your stoic pride stiffens muscles

did she possess you so much that her
demons remain
or are they the darker parts of you
hiding out inside
like boogy-men under little girlsí beds
the kind i saw
in my nightmares not so long ago
i wonder what
haunts you when you are alone
and how many
have you tasted looking for me

my mouth holds no mystery save
my innocence
between my thighs there is no
redemption and
i am not a saintly maid in waiting
i only dance
among black birds and straw houses
singing before
the sun rises and the moon falls
laying in
feathers of flame and darkness

as contradictory as your heart
and words
i am fleeting as unexpected winds
in desert spring
find my eyes among stars tonight
i am watching
and waiting for your return to
yourself
and the dreams youíve lost
along the way
hold still, baby, just a closer look


I am currently Tired
I am listening to Adam

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resolution
06/23/2005 02:02 a.m.
I should write more. Not just poetry or letters or stories... I should just write... more... here... journaling random thoughts as they come. No self-editing. Just writing. If only to ease my mind and release the tension and find.... perhaps.... some peace.

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too long since i was here
05/28/2005 01:44 a.m.
why must everything be so complicated? you love or you don't, right? but i suppose the complexity arises in how much you are willing to risk...

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sentimental rant
02/21/2005 05:50 a.m.
For William

All I could say was
goodbye to hide
what more lingered
on my tongue

What I meant to say
was that I love you, too

that my greatest fear
is having this lifetime
pass me by without you
beside me for the journey

that you are my first and
last thought every day

that if I had more courage
I would be there with you
tonight and ever after

Instead I am a fool
for leaving that room
and so are you
for letting me walk away


I am currently Alienated
I am listening to long december

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nothing
02/21/2005 04:03 a.m.

sinking slowly
Quicksand lullaby
there is no escaping
margery's dream

Trees soak me up
through the roots
i return, in the fall,
back to dirt again

deafening Riversongs
meet my hands
and i flow like desert
clouds racing dust


I am currently Detached
I am listening to planes overhead

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I don't deserve them.
12/28/2004 01:31 a.m.
I have the greatest parents in the world.
I am currently Lucky
I am listening to DMB

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storm season
07/14/2004 07:57 a.m.
It's that time again... I saw a wall of dust heading toward me like a some biblical plague. It was incredible. In a matter of seconds, visibility goes from 100% to zero... clear blue sky becomes thick brown haze. Winds threaten to tear the roof off your house or blow your car off the road, but man, that lightning is amazingly beautiful.


I am currently Happy
I am listening to rolling thunder

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