dear you,
11/28/2005 07:19 p.m.
I hate you. I absolutely hate that I can't walk into my home - the home I've lived in for more than ten years - without thinking of you and what you did to me. I hate that I can't step foot on that side of the living room. I hate that I can't stand to be in that bathroom for more than two minutes. That if someone were to knock on the door while I was in there, the threads that hold my brain in my skull would break. That I nearly get sick taking a shower in the shower I was comfortable in for years. That Eric can't touch me certain ways or say certain things because that's what you did, that's what you said. That joking or playing or anything at all can make me think of you and what happened. That I can't walk through the mall without wondering if I'll see you or what you'd do to me if I did. And I hate the fucking police. How sweet they were, how concerned. And they never fucking called. I have no idea where you are, if you know that they know, how you feel if you know. I have no idea. And I fucking hate that. I hate you. I used to treasure my trips home to see my amazing family, my beautiful nieces and nephews, my supportive grandparents. And now I fear coming home. My cat can rustle around and I scream out in fear. I can't sleep alone. I can't go into a store by myself. I can't go anywhere without Eric. That people laugh at me for being such a child and I can't tell them why I refuse to go alone. That I have to give up parts of my freedom, parts of my peace of mind. I hate you. I don't think I say that enough.
I am currently Bothered

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i hate who i hurt.
11/17/2005 02:31 a.m.
i'd like to think that i hate all my ex-boyfriends. but i don't. ryan and i are fine (if you even want to count him as an ex). john apologized and we've moved on.

i was in the wrong with tommy. i was the one who was the bastard in the situation. and he's the only one who i've had any sincere bad blood with.

at this point, i'd like to make it very clear that i'm not trying to stir anything up. the shit-stirring was over long ago.

but i have been thinking about that situation lately because, well, honestly, it's been in my face. and i'm left with the realization that the only person i could stop being angry with was the person that was not to blame for the dissolution of the relationship. i wasn't mad at john. not like i was mad at tommy.

so what's wrong with me? did he deserve that? well, you know, i'm the queen of mistakes when it comes to every person i know that lives in baltimore, so who am i to be angry with him for mistakes - whether conscious or subconscious - he made? i was the one who initially ruined things with koye. i was the one who ruined things with tommy. so i've come to the conclusion that i can't be angry at anyone but me.

but this is over. unless something pops up and slaps me, this will probably be the last time i talk about it. or at least to talk frankly about it.

i'm just... i don't know... admitting my fault in the whole thing. i won't say i'm sorry cause i know that doesn't cut it and maybe no one even cares for it anymore. but there you go.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to "Run to the Water" by Live

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Steve Podielsky?
11/14/2005 07:54 p.m.
what in the world?
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by the Smashing Pumpkins

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PROFANITY!
11/12/2005 08:58 p.m.
seriously? it's seriously THAT big a deal? people are reporting others? oh, that has "shut up" in the title, I'm SO offended! it seems like this is what it's coming to. I'm fearing for my safety on this site.

I'm freaking the FUCK out cause this immediate termination thing is scary. why not tell the person they're in violation and if they refuse to change it, or they don't change it in 24 hours or something, then delete whatever it is - poem or journal entry - that offends? it seems totally rash to kick someone off for what could be a mistake. I know I try as hard as I can to follow the rules here and I have hundreds of poems in my library and folders. it's possible to make a mistake. there are people who have hundreds more than I do. what about that? does no one care?

I love this place and I'll follow whatever rules you guys put in place. a person with that kind of attitude can get booted for a simple mistake? it just doesn't seem fair.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to "Sod Off" by Bjork

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jonna.
11/11/2005 07:20 p.m.
jonna's account was deleted for inactivity. i lost a couple comments. i haven't spoken to her in years. i got her poem of the day. i don't even think she saw it. i have no idea what i did to upset her. just one day came along where i suddenly wasn't invited. wasn't talked to. wasn't a part. she refused. i sent her messages here. she never came. i've left comments on her xanga. i've talked to her brother. but she continues to ignore me. i got no explanation as to why i was suddenly cut out of her life. it was like i just stopped existing to her.

and, you know, it makes you realize how things run in families. how jared invited me to savannah and then went without me. how - old news, though it may be - he once decided we couldn't be friends because he saw a cut on my wrist. mr nyquil had a problem with my problem. and that's all resolved. i harbor no unresolved feelings about that particular happening. but we can all sit here and point fingers and i let them point at me. i say, yeah, you're right, i should have called. but when all is said and done, the phone works both ways.

jonna was something to me. i appreciated her. i thought she was unique and had something brilliant and interesting to add to my life. i thought she'd teach me something. i get this kind of faith in people younger than i am. i had it in her. but she was gone so quickly. i don't even know why. i still remember things. i had good times with her. we had so many laughs. so many talks about nothing in particular. i thought she was my friend. plain and simple.

odd how she always talked about friends betraying her and how no one actually cared about her... and now she's done this to me. it's just odd.

i'm not going to lose sleep. honestly, i stopped worrying about this a long time ago. i had my anger, my sadness, my worry about her a couple of years ago. but i'm reminded today. and it's funny how her account was deleted due to inactivity.

inactivity. yes. exactly.
I am currently Questioning

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10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong
10/18/2005 08:49 p.m.

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay in the same way hanging around tall people will make you taller.

3. Gay marriage will change the foundations of society; we could never adapt to new social norms... just like we have not adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and has not changed at all. We still consider women property, blacks and whites can't marry and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britney Spear's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are viable because they produce children. Gay people, infertile people and old people should not be allowed to marry because our orphanages are not quite full yet and the world really needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, just like straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by our major religion. In a theocracy like America, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion here.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That is why we as a society expressly forbid single parents from raising children.

10. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door for all kinds of crazy things. Why, people might even wish to marry their pet... because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

I am currently Content

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er... um...
09/27/2005 08:02 p.m.
I'm emptying out my thought-book-thingy.

that's why all the poems. forgive.
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to "Martha's Foolish Ginger" by Tori Amos

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friends.
09/01/2005 08:28 p.m.
I haven't posted a journal entry here in a long time. it seems appropriate to do so now.

he and I had a fight last night. loud. angry. stuff. his residents heard. I now have the pleasure of making sure they know it was solely my fault (which it was)... though he doesn't want me to say anything to them about it. I can't let them think bad things about him. he didn't do anything wrong. I was the bad guy. I have to clear that up. we'll see how that goes, I guess.

but what I'm really here to say is that I'm overwhelmed by the response. I left the building. I passed Julian and Bryant. I thought I looked pretty together. I was sad and upset, but I thought I was doing a good job of looking ok. as I walked by, they asked if I was ok, if I wanted to stay and talk with them. I said I was ok, and Julian looked at me and said, "no, you're not." they cared. they wanted me to be ok. just a few hours earlier they were laughing at the fact that I apparently snore, that I'm supposedly somewhat pigeon-toed. then they were asking me to talk to them. they would share, I would share. unfortunately, the arguement he and I had was about me saying too much to the residents (and, knowing my luck, this entry counts as saying too much) so I couldn't stop and talk. but I appreciated it so much.

I was talking to him - we worked it out, we always do - and saying that I was so happy and just in love with every single one of his residents. why? because I didn't really have a freshman year. I went to Bob Jones where Jared and Sizzle and Chris were really my only friends, where I refused to make friends because I knew I was leaving, where I was miserable for a semester because I felt so trapped. then I went to GSU for spring semester. I had Ashley. I met Heather. I knew Eric's friends. Ashley and Eric were the only friends I didn't have to borrow. and I knew them from high school. I borrowed Heather from Ashley (and kept her, I liked her so much :D) and I borrowed Eric's Hendricks friends from him. I didn't make my own friends. these guys this year are giving me the freshman year I never had. they've accepted me like no other group of people here have. and, naive as it may be, I feel like they care about me in some way. and maybe it's because they're freshmen and they're grasping for something. maybe it's not as real as I think it is. but that's ok. that's what I missed. that's what it was for everyone freshman year. reaching out for someone to fill voids you suddenly have. I love those guys for it.

and it's not something he should worry about. it's not about "liking" them or having crushes or anything like that. it's about appreciating them for what they are and what they've done for me.

I don't know.

maybe this was too much and it'll be deleted in a day or something, who knows?

I just want a reminder of this. of how people care.
I am currently Loved

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random facts about me
07/08/2005 06:22 a.m.
*I love hot pickled okra. more than pickles. actually, I like anything hot. but not anything pickled. wasabi is my new favorite hot thing.

*if you guessed I don't listen to country music, you'd be mostly right. Dwight Yoakam is the one exception. he was my first celebrity crush. (not counting Donnie Wahlberg.) when I was young, my parents saw him in concert without me. I was steamed. but they bought me a t-shirt and that made it better.

*I'll eat any vegetable if it's fried. especially green tomatoes, okra and squash. though ranch is required with all of these.

*speaking of Donnie Wahlberg, the first CD my parents ever purchased specifically for me was "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids on the Block.

*in my younger days, I put ketchup on everything. my grandparents broke me of the habit by forcing me to try new things. now I have expansive, experimental tastes.

*since I was a very young child, I've been interested in the counterculture of the 60's. when I was eight, we went to a pinic for my mom's company. there was face painting, and, while other kids had whiskers or fangs or flowers painted on their cheeks, I insisted on having a peace sign. one of my mom's coworkers told me I was born in the wrong decade and called me a flowerchild. I loved it.

*the first friend I remember with any kind of clarity was a boy named Ryan Turner. he was so amazingly cute. when we were growing up, I was sure I'd marry him eventually. maybe this friendship is the beginning and cause of a lifetime of friendships with boys.

*I used to dress my little brother up in a dress and a wig. he did not protest.

*the first girl friend I had was Callie Green. she had gorgeous brown curly hair and freckles all over her face. she was one of the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen.

*me and Callie's brother Josh once had an arguement about what color the sky was. he said it was navy. I said it was sky blue. my mom constantly reminds me of this arguement and says I insist on reliving it on a semi-daily basis.

*in my lifetime, I've kissed nine boys... two of which I believe I actually loved/love.

*apparently, I was a kicker when I was in the womb. my mom also insists that I responded most wildly when music was being played. I also have a fairly clear memory of "playing the piano" on my carseat... I think to an Amy Grant song.

*I have had friends of nearly every ethnicity/color. I honestly remember someone in my family... either my dad or my older brother... sitting me down when I was a child with a white crayon and a black crayon and showing me that if you colored with the white one, then colored over it with the black, the white would disappear. I've asked my dad and my brother about this, but they both claim they don't know what I'm talking about.

*Callie and I once sang a duet in church that made some visiting missionaries cry. she sang one verse, I sang the other, we sang the chorus together. I forgot my words. I repeated the same line twice and nearly broke down. we managed to finish, but I point to this as the beginning of my social phobia.

*I haven't been camping in a while. we used to go nearly every year when my grandparents lived with us. it was always fun, except when we camped by the river. there were bugs everywhere.

*in the fourth grade, my first and only year in public school, I tried out for the chorus. only three people out of about 20 kids from our class who tried out would make it, and they chose me as one of the three. I almost cried when they told me. we sang Duke of Earl, and I always wondered what it was about. I still do.

*the "favorite" grandchild of my mother's parents is my cousin, Christy. I've always been jealous of her. that being said, lately I feel as if I'm in a very close second, if not her equal. my grandparents love me. a lot.

*at some point in elementary school, I accidentally used the boy's bathroom. I would have done it without noticing, but right as I was leaving, Josh Gray walked in and I asked him what he was doing. he asked me what I was doing. I told him this was the girl's bathroom and he laughed at me and told me to read the sign. I did. it was the boy's bathroom.

this was silly. but I was remembering things, and I wanted to put them somewhere. maybe I'll do this again sometime. it was fun.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to Reno 911

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blogs
07/05/2005 03:09 a.m.

I am currently Bothered
I am listening to Koye and Eric arguing.

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