more on confidence.
06/12/2006 04:17 p.m.
Joel's been encouraging my confidence and now Ced's started doing the same thing. it's got me thinking. things are a little jumbled so I apologize if this makes no sense or is poorly written... like you'd expect anything else from me.

sex. my thoughts about sex have changed dramatically over the past three years. I had conversations with Koye in high school where I said, "I know how emotional I am, and I have to take that into account when it comes to sex. I know I can't handle casual sex. it has to be emotional." and I clung to that idea for years. because it's what I had experienced. Eric had always been loving and true and absolutely the perfect choice of who I should lose my virginity to. he continues to be all those things. that's what I knew of sex.

but, being the curious and hard-headed person that I am, I knew there were different experiences out there and I wanted them. I broke up with Eric so I could have them. this was the Ronnie fiasco. it was horrible. afterwards, I sat in a chair in Ronnie's room and cried. he tried to comfort me, but I felt a sleazy cheapness I'd never felt before. I hated myself. and I went back to Eric convinced that I'd been right all along about my emotions. but it was weakness that led me back to him. he was comfortable. he was my substitute for self-esteem.

this year I met Ian and Phil. people who had casual sex like it was the easy, normal, right thing to do. I became a part of that group. I began to believe that it was possible for me to have casual sex and be strong. I watched Phil do it. I studied Phil. his words hit me like bricks because they were SO full of nonchalance. I wanted to be that. I wanted to be so strong that I could brush off rejection without a second thought. I repeatedly shut him down and his attitude remained "suit yourself." it was attractive because I wanted to be that. I wanted to give in because I respected it so much. it was the opposite of me. it appeared to make life so much easier for him and I wanted that ease. I wanted the freedom to screw someone and then the next day be cool with them, but not in love. I looked at that as the ideal of what sex should be. just sex. even though I knew what had happened with Ronnie hurt me, I convinced myself that I was just doing it wrong. I hadn't set out NOT to get attached. I hadn't actively stopped myself from falling for him. I figured maybe if I really tried, I could do it.

and Eric gave me my chance. he did something I swore I'd break up with him for doing. and I did. I broke up with him. but we both figured that it wasn't permanent. I told him I wanted to get back with him, but I wanted him to change that particular behavior before we could.

during this "break" or whatever you want to call it, I went out with Ian, Tommy and Phil. I was tipsy and Phil walked me home. everyone knew what would happen. I denied it would happen til the moment it happened. and the next day... I felt fine. I'd actively stopped myself from falling for Phil, and it had worked. I still had (and still do have to some degree) a level of respect for him and I liked him as a friend. he's a very likeable person. but I still didn't feel right. I knew that - in some way - I'd been used. of course, he'd been used too. but he didn't care. it didn't bother him that I'd used him. but it bothered me.

and what this finally means to me is that I have some level of self-respect. I'm more than a vagina. I'm more than a body. I'm selling myself short to allow myself to be used purely for sex. I'm so much more than that. I'm so much better than that.

I told Ced that I feel like all boys want is someone who looks nice and some sex. That because that's so true, 90% of what makes me so wonderful is completely useless to them. and do you know what he said? it was so simple. he told me that I don't need people like that. and I don't. what do people like that do for me? what did giving in to Phil do for me? it didn't advance me in any way.

completely setting my looks aside cause that's an entirely different journal entry, there are things about me that make me a great person. I love who I am on the inside. I love that I know good music and movies. I love that I'm thoughtful of other people and try to take time to show them I'm thinking about them. I love that I can give a compliment freely - just to let that person know what I'm thinking - and not expect one in return. I love that I'm interested in and knowledgeable about tons of different subjects. I love that I love learning. there are things about me that make me great. and none of those things involve looks. and people who don't care about or refuse to see those things are worthless to me.

what's a compliment about my looks? someone complimenting me on something I had nothing to do with and that won't ever last. I don't need it. it's not what's important about me.

and casual sex does not equal power. the power is being able to have standards and stick to them. and I'm talking about real, viable, important standards. like... they love me. they respect me. they're a good person. things that matter.

there's no good ending to this so I'll just stop this ramble here.
I am currently Thoughtfull

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dlakfjdlakfja
06/01/2006 08:23 p.m.
Tommy got deleted.

it feels like it needs a journal entry.

except not really.

so fuck it.
I am currently Silly
I am listening to not a darn thing

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breaking up
04/09/2006 09:46 p.m.
when Justin left today he said it looked like I was about to cry. and I was. and I did. and I haven't stopped since he left. but he has no obligation to me. there's no reason he should do anything more than notice and be concerned that I'm going to cry. and why shouldn't I cry? this is the first time I've left myself be alone since Eric and I broke up. I've kept myself occupied from the very hour we broke up until now. I've had people around. I was in Andre and Justin's room or here in Kennedy with Justin and Rushaun and whoever. the day it happened, even when I couldn't really cry cause I was in their room, I did cry. I couldn't help myself. and Andre asked me if I was ok and gave me some chocolate pudding and everyone in the room sat and ate pudding with me. that night Justin and Rushaun came over and talked with me all night long about everything. Rushaun stayed over and I slept on the couch while he was on the futon. I didn't even lay in my bed. last night I was extremely intoxicated for most of the night but I was surrounded by people and distractions and, more than anything, someone to just provide some physical contact. I smoked a cigarette. I haven't done that since 6th grade. even when everyone had gone and Justin was still asleep while I was awake, I was ok. cause I had someone to take care of. to check on every commercial break. something to keep me from calling Eric. no way to lock myself in my room and make bad decisions. but now they're all gone, I'm a wreck and Eric is fine. he's fine. he's moving on. his profile on facebook says he's looking for dating and a relationship. he wants someone else. he told me we'll never get back together. never. he said never. and I mean, I did this. I wanted the space. I wanted to be alone. I wanted the opportunity to do whatever I want. but I can't do this. I'm so weak. I've spent three years being a part of an "us" and not just "me." I don't remember how to be me. I don't know who am I. but he knows. how does he know? why is he acting like he knows? to hurt me? I do deserve to be hurt. I do. I didn't have to do what I did. I could have had him. and he said he gets upset sometimes. he said he thinks about those times when he was playing the game and I was laying in bed waiting for him to come sleep next to me, he said he wished he would have just turned off the game and held me. he sounded sad when he said it. like he might cry. but he won't let me have the satisfaction of knowing he misses me. but he does. he loves me. I love him. I hate this.

what I hate even more is that I know I'm going to hurt someone else as a result of all this. or maybe it'll just be me. maybe I'll just keep getting fucked over. and I'll deserve every second of it cause I fucked Eric over so much. I should appreciate it. I should accept it. I should go, "oh, you want to fuck around with my head and my emotions? ok. that's good. do that. I need that. I should have that all the time." because that's what I deserve.

I can't do my work. I have no desire to go to class. I have no desire to write a paper. I have like 5 papers coming up. I haven't written any of them, I don't want to. maybe I won't. I have no desire. I want to lay in my bed and cry.

fuck.
I am currently Sad

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I have to do something.
04/08/2006 01:10 a.m.
so I might as well write here. all kinds of things have happened. and I think this time it's for real. and I don't really know how I feel about that. I wanted it. I said, "I want to be alone." and I do. I want to know I can do that. I want to know I'm ok by myself. I want to be able to make decisions for myself and not have to answer to anyone. I haven't been able to really understand freedom for three years. and after this semester, I wouldn't ever understand it again. my life is over. in so many ways.

and there's something wrong with me. I can't stay faithful to someone who absolutely loves me and treasures me and hasn't ever done me really wrong. there's something wrong with me. I'm dysfunctional. but I know I'm doing something right here. I know breaking up with Eric was the right thing to do. it was wrong to wait so long to do it. we're not right for each other. we're not happy. I'm doing him SO wrong. I've been a terrible bitch to him. and there's no end in sight. there's no reason to continue and realize once we're married and have kids that things just aren't going to work. divorce is ugly. from all that I've seen of it, I want to avoid it. it's taking away my favorite nephew. best way to avoid divorce is to avoid marriage. best way to avoid marriage is to avoid relationships. I want to be alone.

but I hate this. I hate to see Eric upset. I love him so much. I have such strong feelings for him that it just kills me to hurt him. but somehow I know that this hurt is preventing so many future hurts. if I didn't hurt him now once and for all, I'd be hurting him repeatedly in the future. I have to be strong and let this go. it's not a healthy relationship. it's not right. it has to be over.

I'm losing so much. he was so much. he is so much. he's one of the best people I've ever known. I don't want him to make any mistakes because of this. he's saying he's going to quit. he's saying he's going to leave Hendricks. I hope he doesn't. he needs his job. if he loses his job because of this, I'm going to hate myself. even more than I already do. I do hate myself for this. I've seriously hurt someone. I just keep hurting him. I'm so wrong in this. I hate that. I hate that I just keep fucking stuff up. and I know it's all my fault. I know there's just something wrong in me.

fuck.
I am currently Sad

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exes?
03/31/2006 07:55 a.m.
lately I've been noticing couples around me doing a lot of talking about, in mostly positive ways, their ex-girlfriends and -boyfriends. perhaps no one else in the world thinks that might be unusual, but I do. and it makes me wonder these things. "maybe no one else in the world thinks this is unusual. why would that be?" why is it ok to be friends with your ex? how is it even possible? am I only thinking these things because I somehow have romantic relationships incorrectly?

in my life, I've generally been the person who persued someone else for a relationship. I see something I want and go for it. I am committed and genuinely care about the person I'm in the relationship with. these relationships (mine and Eric's - and thusly mine and Tommy's - is excluded because it's unlike anything else I've experienced) all ended because the guy wanted it to. he stopped calling or, in one case, never even started calling. Ryan and John are ex-boyfriends because they stopped wanting me for a girlfriend.

my relationship with Tommy is different because I ended it. I KNOW why he and I can't ever really be friends and it has nothing to do with him. I can't be friends with someone I know I completely screwed over. all the things that happened AFTER the break-up aside, I screwed him big time. I know this. you don't look into the face of doom. you don't keep something around that reminds you that you're a heinous bitch. you can't be friends with someone you've cheated on. it's not possible. (this has interesting implications for my friendship with Koye because he certainly is a reminder of how terrible I can be... but I have to have him around... he's like a limb.)

I understand "moving on." I get it. at least, I thought I got it. does moving on somehow involve still loving what you used to love about a person? are they allowed that kind of recognition? why? why do they deserve that? they hurt me. I get moving on. I get not being in love with them anymore. I don't get singing their praises. I don't get hanging out with them or talking to them on the phone. these things don't sound like moving on to me; in fact, they sound a great deal like standing still. when a relationship ends, things have to change in your life. if you talk to your boyfriend on the internet two hours every night, when you two break up, you have to stop talking to him on the internet. you change your screen name. you block his. something. you stop using AIM. whatever. done. over. you don't even give yourself the reminder of what used to be. if you don't do that, how have you moved on?

I can see, I guess, giving credit where credit is due. I won't sit here and deny that Ryan is hilarious and creative or that John is unique in his youthfulness or that Tommy is... whatever Tommy is. certainly not original. committed? yeah, definitely committed. I won't deny that. but I'm not going to sit on the internet and write about how great they are. in fact, I think I've proven more than once that I may sit on the internet and write about how terrible they are. I suppose this also could qualify as "not moving on" cause you're still talking about them. (not as I am now because I'm speaking of them more as models of themselves rather than the person himself.)

ugh, I'm running out of thought and I just keep coming back to the idea that, ok, maybe these people aren't moving on. I didn't move on right away. I handled it differently, but how can I tell them I handled it correctly and they're not doing it the right way? I strongly doubt I handled it correctly. there are files FULL of handling things incorrectly in my library right here on this very site.


I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to nothing

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top rated poetry.
02/23/2006 06:40 p.m.
my word. my poem made it there? thanks, Jon, for telling me. I never would have realized it.

score.

thanks to those who commented and voted. I appreciate it. :D
I am currently Happy
I am listening to some ditzy girl on her cell phone.

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jacob.
02/01/2006 05:57 p.m.
Jacob, this is your Auntie Em,

You might be going away soon
to place that I can't be,
& maybe you'll never read this,
but you should know who you are
to me.

I remember your very birth;
the way you came into the world,
& everyone said you looked like your mother,
but I just said you were the most beautiful thing.

(Because, Jacob, you were the most beautiful thing.)

& I am still young,
& I would make a terrible mother.
But I thought God sent you
a little bit for me too,
because the moment I saw you,
I whispered to my mother
that you were my favorite
-not to tell- but you were.

I am not around all the time.
I have missed so much of your growing,
but when I have seen you
-and you've come so easily to me-
-and buried your head in my shoulder-
you make me feel like I could be ok,
like maybe one day I could be a mother...
one day.

If you're gone when I get home, Jacob,
I won't be able to stop my tears,
because I'll never have heard you call me Emmy;
because you won't even remember your Auntie Em
who you went to,
who you snuggled,
who you loved...

& who loves you so very much.

I am currently Sad

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poetrydmv
01/17/2006 10:50 p.m.
ah, 'parently it was a mistake. hm.
I am currently Angry

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Aiko Scott
01/04/2006 08:32 p.m.
that is one name I NEVER thought I'd see on the terminated list.

I haven't been here much myself, but what IS pathetic these days? who ARE you people?

not that I knew who anyone was 'back then' really. there are just names I know that symbolize and represent pathetic. Aiko Scott is one of them.

weird.

just weird.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to Law & Order on the TV

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telling secrets
12/12/2005 03:04 a.m.
I guess I never considered that I might tell someone about what happened to be and be... ignored. I never prepared myself for that response. I got ready for tears, anger, confusion, shock, those stupid condolences I hate, "wow"s, and other things. not total silence. not non-response. I wasn't prepared. and now, I'm hurt. and maybe hurt wasn't the intented reaction. maybe I've just made someone feel uncomfortabale. maybe I shared too much too early. when is the right time to tell someone you were sexually assaulted? there is no good time for that. I haven't even told my roommate - the only real female friend I've had for a while. in fact, I believe this is the first time I've actually used those words publicly. there are people who don't know who might read this and know. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

when Max found out, he mentioned that it shocked him how "normal" I am. that rape victims he'd known had been mentally unstable, crazy, stupid, in some way broken. that I didn't seem any of those things. I explained to him that people deal with these situations in different ways, and just because I don't broadcast those things to everyone doesn't mean I'm not them. things have felt so unreal. like at any moment everything will disappear. I'm grasping at people, meeting new people, being insanely clingy because I feel like I'm disappearing. like maybe I never really existed at all. I don't just go aroud saying stuff like that to people. they're concerned about what new video game is out, what movie to rent, where to eat dinner, what tests they have to study for. I'm concerned about those things too. so I ignore this other stuff for the most part. sometimes it comes up and I can't ignore it. but I only ever tell Eric when that happens. except this time. it came up, and I told Ian. and Ian stopped writing. he hasn't written at all since last night. I feel stupid. like I expect him to be the kind of friend who can deal with stuff like that, but really he's not.

I have never felt more uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate the labels that I have now. I hate that Eric and my parents treat me differently because of what happened. that I can't go out with friends because something might happen. that I can't be home alone because something might happen. at any moment I could be raped or killed and I'm constantly reminded, leaving me in a constant state of fear and frustration. I hate giving him power. he shouldn't have any. fuck him. I hate him. he has nothing to do with me.

I don't know what to do. I just have to wait and listen.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

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