Dance
09/23/2003 11:47 p.m.
Today is a day of blades; they dance in my head, they dance on my wrists. I like to see how far I'll go. Today I went fairly deep, but not deep enough to solve anything. I'll do it again before bed, probably. See if that helps. Maybe take a double dose of my sleeping pills first.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Static

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Silent and Moveless
09/09/2003 12:53 p.m.

I sit here and stare at the screen and wonder what action to take. Maybe I should not take any action at all. But I know better than that; there is only one action that makes any sense anymore. But I sit here and stare at the screen because I am a coward. It takes great strength of will to move my hands over the keys. It takes great strength of will to inhale.

I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to The clock ticking

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Why don't they just shoot me?
09/06/2003 12:44 a.m.
Today I had a shock treatment and should have been fine. I should have been freshly sane and able to handle the world. But no; why should anything work out like that? My mother drove me to pick up an order from a restaurant. She was in her pajamas so I had to go in. As I waited in line, the crowd grew and grew, they converged around me, I started to shake. My turn finally came and I threw the money down, grabbed the bag and ran. By the time I got to the car I was sobbing and screaming at Mom to lock the doors. We got home and I couldn't get out of the car because there was ONE PERSON walking down the sidewalk. When she finally went around the corner I got out of the car and headed into the building. I heard someone coming down the stairs above me and started to run. Once we were in the apartment, I slammed and locked the door. I dug around in the medicine box until I found my Ativan and took a triple dose.

I've been hospitalized four times, I've had a shock treatment once a week since January, I take five different psychiatric medications. Why am I still having attacks like this? Wouldn't it be easier all around if I just bowed out? God, God, God, help me.
I am currently Spastic
I am listening to Voices I'm not sure are there

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Death Is All I See (graphic)
08/30/2003 10:50 p.m.
I don't know why it happens or how to make it stop. Everything I see is black and blood-covered. The only interests I have are the razor blades in my purse and the dozens of bottles of pills in the dining room. I know it's insane to post this here where everyone can read it, but it's too much to ask my family to listen to, and if I don't put it here I'm going to go shout it in the streets. Oh, my god, my god, I'm losing my grip.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to some stupid made-for-TV movie

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Somebody better tell me why this is better
08/28/2003 04:34 p.m.

Today, I wrecked the car. My mother's car. Overdosed on Ativan I took during a crisis yesterday, I went out this morning and just crumpled that hood up like an accordian and did God knows what to the engine. At least no one was hurt. The police reluctantly drove me home; they wanted an ambulance to take me to the hospital because my behaviour was odd. I refused treatment. And when I arrived, I stood in one spot and debated between my two methods of dealing with stress. My favorite one, slicing my skin, has been forbidden by my psychiatrist. So, I have taken his suggestion of a viable alternative to cutting: I took more Ativan...


I am currently Anxious
I am listening to how the hum of the CPU changes as I rock back and forth

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Generations
08/22/2003 12:00 a.m.
Gahhh! Due to my illness, my son and I have had to move in with my mother. He and she do not get along. I am going to lose my mind mediating between them. I really, really, really don't know how much more I can take. I'm about to scream. I know this is odd for a first journal entry, but I don't know who else to talk to.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to tearing paper

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