sittin in the mornin sun
04/18/2004 09:07 p.m.

it's so beautiful outside, i've been there for the past three days. my feet are torn up from never wearing shoes and i've got various and sundry tan lines. things are strange. i'm on an edge. i think everyone is, in a way. i'm on a few edges. i want to write political [or at least culturally-relevant] poetry. i'll go try that. my hands are raw from the rope of the tire swing.

look at this journal entry, if it's the only thing you do today.
04/08/2004 03:31 p.m.

so, if you have ever read my journal before, you know that there is a band known as jump which i quote incessantly. that being the case, you might have deduced that they are my most beloved musical group. hear me out, now - jump is an independent band fighting to control their own music and careers while still putting their music out there. they are based in charleston, sc, but tour all over the country.

their instrumentation is incredible: guitar, drums, upright base, cello, harmonica, accordion, mandolin, tin whistle, all manner of flutes, and other "novelty instruments." [the last 5 are all played by one guy, matt bivins, who also plays a tiny guitar, does some vocals, and is generally captivating on stage.]

and if you want to hear some music, i've got two things for you. first, an old recording of an amazing song, dancing virginia: http://realserver.slicker.com:7070/ramgen/Jlc-ra/virginia.ra. second, a preview of their new album, between the dim and the dark; the song is called young america: http://www.jumphq.com/youngamerica/youngamerica.mp3

i have to warn you - with the possible exception of the new album, none of jump's music is of a regular or identifiable style or genre. that said, they are incredible. especially live. if you get the chance to see a show of theirs, it's worth it for any number of reasons. they have an incredible stage presence, for one. for another, music. a third, they will bring you to your knees.

http://www.jumphq.com/

this kind of promotion is not my usual thing, as you might know...but this is a special circumstance, in my opinion.

nausea
04/02/2004 10:32 p.m.

is waves and sloshing seepage.

and this is a void. and the void is boring. ever feel that you exist in a void? sometimes it's terrifying; others, merely boring. the latter comes when someone can come into the void after you. merely boring, just now. i'd like to go lay down. i have to write a play.

big fish
03/25/2004 04:47 p.m.

i hope my father can have that. i hope it isn't as soon as i am terrified it will be.

in here it's always midnight
jump

maybe i can make something beautiful one day.

every precious
03/23/2004 06:01 a.m.

what? i don't know. i never do.

every precious memory and broken-hearted tragedy
will walk into eternity
and not fade away

somewhere between
03/21/2004 10:49 p.m.

the song will be over and so will you and me
the song

and i'm officially not studying anymore until after dinner.
instead, i am going to indulge my jump obsession. amazing.
i love my roommate.
i miss ryan.
i want to take a road trip with deb to charleston in april. oh man, i hope. i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb i want to live with deb

...i really do. i typed that all out; that's how much i want to live with my friend deb next year in this, the beautiful house known as tank.

linguistics midterm tomorrow. i am going to disappoint my wonderful professor. oh well. i am terrible at old english. it's all memorization, and just different enough from latin that it's far too confusing for me to assimilate easily.

ryan is frustrating me by being completely unresponsive. i feel the urge to put my hand through this computer screen.

maybe i will work at a co-operative summer camp this summer, eh?

FUCK.
(this was non-explicit until that very moment. )

i love jump. they make my heart explode.

ha. b...
03/17/2004 05:53 a.m.
i need words more than usual these days, which i think is unhealthy. usually, anyway. and what am i doing? listening to CSNY. not the right sort of answer but i don't know the right sort of answer. i hide from myself. i don't know what i'm doing and i don't know why i'm doing it or for whom. but words are the solution, now, the pressure valve. ha. bullshit.
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to csny "teach your children"

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what a blizzard;
03/16/2004 02:54 p.m.

the snow is falling like it wants to take the earth in a moment of passion. i can't wait until i take a shower and then go play in the snow (in lieu of going to physics.) and i'll dry my hair, of course.

and now i know that everything's alright
if we stay between the glow
and the light
jump

maitreya brought my breakfast upstairs to me this morning because i was still sleeping. i am looking out the window, entranced, listening to a live recording of the amazing show i was at three weeks ago in chapel hill. i had a dream about a friend of mine that was surprising and beautiful.

i wonder who i'll talk to today that will surprise me and make me smile. oh, i know, i'll make corky a copy of my fugs cd. i think he'll love that. i love corky, i do.

a part of my dream last night, we had a family-style dinner upstairs (don't ask me how there got to be a dining room-sized space upstairs in my house...) and there were those huge drink dispensers with the tabs you flip and hold to get the liquid, and one had tea just gushing out the top, so i filled my cup with that, and i was just sure it wasn't sweet tea; but i went over and sat at a table with my friends, and i was in a very good mood, and i sat down, and one of my friends was still completely cold and even hostile to me (as in life) and it just shattered my spirit almost entirely. i moved to a different table. it had been such a good dream up to that point. i'm going to take a shower, copy my cd for cork, and then play my guitar with my new toy. i am a little lonely, but still hopeful. the snow is waiting.

never dark enough
03/16/2004 04:24 a.m.

never dark enough
to hide us from tomorrow
jump

what a song. what a band. another one of those, that i react to consistently the way i do to grace. not an album, per se, though i have high hopes for between the dim and the dark, which i will acquire on april 20th, believe you me. jump is my home, inasmuch as anything is now or ever was home to me.

i'm here not reading freud, though my roommate thinks i am. instead, i'm thinking. during lunch today i sat in the dining room muttering to myself "insular insanity" as my housemates walked by the glaring windows. i am not sure why. and i wrote this over and over, so that it covered an entire page:

sometimes when i speak, i can't
stand the sound of my voice
this great big destructive machine
it takes too much time
to say what it means

it is from another jump song - "the singer" - and i can't let it go, nor can i find any burning significance in it that didn't exist as long as i've known the song. i just can't let it go - and the nausea it inspires is fierce. the nausea of the knowledge of the fact that i'm trying to drive myself insane. i taste bile almost constantly these days. it burns, and numbs my tongue. but maybe i'm fooling myself. i do believe i'm trying to drive myself insane, consciously, and that it may work this time.

deb anonymously made a present to me of "rise up singing," a songbook that i've been going around the house asking for for weeks. it arrived in the mail. she came in my room as i was playing through some of it (it has 1200 songs) and i said, "look what came in the mail!" having no idea...but the expression on her face made me know: "is it your fault?" and i dove out of my bed to hug her. sometimes people overwhelm me. what a friend. if we can't live together next year, i don't know what i'll do. i suppose i'll get a single, but...it isn't that i don't want to live with anyone but her so much as that i want so terribly to live with her.

and i want to smile at someone on the street and have the person immediately fall in love with me and chase me down the street to talk to me, like in annie's uncle's love story. i don't want to be courted, or to decide. i want to know.

alas..."midnight/never dark enough/to hide us from tomorrow..." i would love to hide from tomorrow. or maybe what i want is to hide from today, be constantly living tomorrow; which, of course, is as impossible as living now.

so... "i wish that i would hear you say goodnight..." it's hard to be constantly this far from ryan, my friend of friends, my soul, me; even defined as it is, our relationship is more real than any other i've experienced. i wish i could say goodnight to him every night, like i used to... tell him i miss him.

ciao.i

grace
03/14/2004 06:16 p.m.

this, grace, jeff buckley, is - you must understand that i don't often say this of anything - one of the greatest of all time. perfection and completion of music and performance.

i am no longer dying. although i remain half-convinced that there is a neurological problem behind my worsening headaches and weakness. i may schedule an mri next time i go home. in 6 months. we'll see. maybe allen medical center can do it? no. never mind. i've heard stories.

and a good morning, full of smiling good people i love. did part of a puzzle with colin. i love puzzles with him. i think he's no longer quite wary of me since puzzles and case. case...

one day he'll be back. will i? it's lonelier without him; yet i'm safe, in his existence somewhere, that he knows what i know.

what a morning. going to oberlin music with corky in a bit. i miss ryan. this album makes me so happy, makes me remember so many people i love; moments of beauty. oh.

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