hedwig
02/17/2005 10:35 p.m.
oh my god i want to be hedwig i want to be hedwig in hedwig and the angry inch more than i've ever wanted a role at this school, much, much more. almost as much as i've ever wanted a role, ever. not as much as i wanted barbara allen; this is second, i think. god, i want to be hedwig. i've written that out like a litany so my fingers know the phrase i want to be hedwig better than my mind even does. i want to be hedwig i want to be hedwig i want to be hedwig that is my penance and my prayer i want to be hedwig

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that old-fashioned morphine
02/15/2005 01:33 a.m.

i'm writing a short paper on donne and being lonely for all the love in the world. and how to share the love we all have without undue pain? confusion? i have a sackful of the need to please; it's there if you want it. it's got my name on it.

give me that old-fashioned morphine,
give me that old-fashioned morphine,
give me that old-fashioned morphine,
it's good enough for me.

it was good for billy burroughs,
it was good for billy burroughs,
it was good for billy burroughs,
it's good enough for me.

she has a lovely voice.

aren't we all looking for more articulate ways to say "i wish i could make everyone love me more"?

this is me, waking
02/06/2005 02:25 p.m.
this is me, waking up at 8 on sunday and going down to the coffee shop to have breakfast and read and maybe write a bit. this is me wearing fashion sweatpants given to me by the mother of the children i babysit, who wishes i were her daughter and she could dress me. this is me feeling awkward in these clothes, even though they are simply black swatches of fabric. this is me putting on a hat and traipsing downtown, hoping to meet people i love. this is me, heart speeding up because a young person with whom i had a very idealized fling left a phone number and a note on my door last night, after 6 months in thailand.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to my radiator.

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exit music
01/03/2005 04:29 a.m.

i'm really only writing here because it's been a long time since the last. i love pathetic. and i am tired. and there are too many positive stresses in my life at the moment.

learning how to live in my hometown. my old hometown. interesting. and learning how to be without everyone i love, soon. i don't know how to do that. maybe it'll help my writing. anyway, have to start work at planned parenthood tomorrow. at least maybe i can do some good work for some women this month. that's something. and another thing: i love my mother and my stepfather.

goodnight, pathetic - and those in whom i have joy: thank you.

porch
07/22/2004 04:55 p.m.
i haven't slept and i finally feel as if there are people i can trust, good, beautiful people, who are not ryan. and i did smile when the sun rose.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to neil young

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this thing
07/18/2004 07:51 p.m.
i can't wait to go camping, and the mountains are a week away from me yet. and ryan, too, a week away, my dearest friend in this silly life i have fabricated and concocted. i have a place in me where i can hide from the passions and violence and drawn-out agonies of humanity and the world around me; i can go there and be happy. it is my truest self, i have started to imagine. and it just so happens that ryan is there, too. whether a figment of my imagination or that he has the same place in his life as i have, it's so. when we were together, that was what made it so perfect, i theorize to myself. and it makes me glad to be alive. it also deludes me into the belief that someday i will really be happy, when we can share that place again and always. but right now, when i think of him, i'm absorbed in the pursuit of simple friendship. it seems strange to have to work so hard at something as simple as a friendship that is so perfect; but so far it's impossible for me not to love him, even after a year and a lifetime. if i consider, i do not believe in the preordained, the supernatural...but what am i supposed to think, when confronted with this thing that is us? i must get to the center of it. i love it.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.......

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heart of saturday night
07/10/2004 08:39 p.m.
well i drank and smoked with dan-o/amanda/bernie/ross last night, met several new people discovered sudden crushes on two of them man-woman only to find that the two were in actuality a couple. am realizing lately that attractions are powerful but when i consider the implications of a relationship i.e. sexual contact physical exposure i am completely uninterested. fine state of things - i once liked such things, as i recall. but as the man said, �'est la vie. i suppose unattainable attractions are all the better, then. i just finished naked lunch by burroughs (after being fascinated by queer; thanks, bryn) and before that sherman alexie's the toughest indian in the world, and also the kite runner, an exceedingly upsetting and wonderful book by khaled hosseini. now it's to be broca's brain (sagan), the diving bell and the butterfly (bauby), and look homeward, angel (wolfe). books books. i am feeling odd as i took benadryl last night at three a.m. for some fantastically excruciating bug bites reminiscent of those i got in mexico (i have no idea what they are) without realizing that it was three a.m. and not a good time for benadryl - consequently i suffered ferocious dreams and slept til noon, at which point i woke up disoriented and sluggish. and still am, only 5 hours after waking. awful. but, i'm going for wolfe's book now (i'm in the library). i rather like my new poem; or rather, i really like the emotions behind it and feel i might have done a bit of justice to them through the words. the thing is called "alice" but needs a new title. i'm going.
I am currently Dumbfounded
I am listening to library beeps

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vacuum
07/07/2004 07:17 p.m.

i am in a time vacuum. it will change at the end of the month? or maybe once i get out of this office...

a different pace
06/23/2004 09:08 p.m.

i'm still alive, my loves. it's this:

my life is so simple right now.
every single thing in my life is so intense.
it's a lot to think about, and thinking takes up all my life.

but i miss it here and thanks to bryn's question today i may be able to start writing again.

love.

w-w-w-wha?
05/26/2004 02:10 a.m.

whoa. i am so stressed out. i miss pathetic but i'm going a little bit nuts here working three jobs, two of which are not getting paid and together amount to full time and then some. [it will all be over in a week, i.]

love you. ciao.i

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