who are you?
12/28/2001 04:47 a.m.
who are you, love? you drag me into lust with promises of forever but leave me here to die with broken hearts scattered to the wind that used to be pretty stars to watch at night. everything changes when it's tested.

i want a guy who listens to bands no one's ever heard of. i want a guy who plays guitar and sings, even if offkey, he has to sing. iwag (i want a guy) who stays up until two in the morning droning on his keyboard about life's little annoying yet beautiful things. someone whos bookshelf reflects only his minds cavities, but the cavities of his soul are represented by everything in his life. someone whos refrigerator has no vegetables, but apples and bread and debbie cakes from who knows when. someone who gets confused and writes in a journal. with sentences that take up days. someone who will wear what i crochet and not care if someone says "that is adorable, but i would never wear it". I want someone who would paint my toenails and not get annoyed if i take too many pictures or suck at what i love best-art. someone who would listen to my silly songs that i experiment with ont he guitar. someone who would stay on the phone for hours and not care if it were just silence. someone i could crawl up into and be warm with. someone who would notice me and get confused by me and just be with me. someone who is imperfect and obnoxious and argumentative and calm and beautiful and insane and sober. someone who does not want to stay in georgia forever. someone who wont constantly confuse me all of the time everyday and all the time. a girl needs a rest.

so that's what i want. and maybe someday i'll get something that slightly resembles a few of those. if not, ill just be a bitter spinster and write romance novels where the ugly nerd with glasses gets a guy like that and goes on impulse to rome and paris and lives forever in vermont or new york and never once has a conversation about her check book. i want to be an artist. im fifteen. i dont know what i want



i read in a little journal my brother used to write in. he scribbled this on the last page

leonard cohen sang to me when he sang
"i don't mean to suggest that i loved you the best.. i can't keep track of each fallen robin.. i remember you well in the chelsea hotel... that's all, i don't even think of you often."

and he's beautiful. my brother. leonard cohen is still a bit of a stranger to me. but ill find him someday. my brother is beautiful
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to rem--up

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eating tomatoes at two in the morning
12/28/2001 04:12 a.m.
My stepmom's crazy. I mean insane. Usually she's pretty levelheaded about drinking and driving and not doing it. Today, for some reason, she was so intent on going to Kroger and cashing the loose change she and my dad have accumulated. So I told her that my friend and i would do it before we go to the movies and watch kate and leopold (which we ended up not going to). well, she got me to go though my hair was oily and nasty. so i threw on some jeans and a coat (it was freezing outside) and we went. it took us about twenty minutes to get it all sorted out into the machine. and then she started saying that she thought it had calculated wrong. i swear, i hate it when she drinks. no offense to those who go out and drink, im not saying you're satanic because you do, im just saying that i will never drink. i hate it. it just brings back so many memories and bleh...enough of THAT.

well, anyway, we didn't go to see kate and leopold. we were going to the 7 oclock showing. but we came back to her house and ate pizza, realizing that we wouldnt make it to the theatre by the time it started. so we decided to go the 930 showing. but that didnt work out. we went to the bank to get her some money, and well, her accounts were bogus. she had about 7.66 to be exact. oh well. so we went to my house and got my blockbuster gift card and we went and rented some movies. i bought sweet november, because i want to be that lady in the movie. she dresses awesome. and then i rented crazy/beautiful because cyndi hadnt seen it. i love this movie. its so great. i dont know, i want to buy it. also want to buy pearl harbor. that josh hartnett..mm boy i could eat him up. persay
I am currently Romantic
I am listening to crazy/beautiful

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Journal Entry
12/27/2001 08:45 p.m.
hiddennmyheart16: nobody is online
hiddennmyheart16: it's sad
thecityilove: you are
thecityilove: i am
thecityilove: thanks
hiddennmyheart16: and i dont have a car
hiddennmyheart16: it's sad
hiddennmyheart16: =(
hiddennmyheart16: and i can't FRIKKIN CROP! LL
hiddennmyheart16: what's teh site?
hiddennmyheart16: pathetic.org?
hiddennmyheart16: i can't wait to say..
hiddennmyheart16: i'm a member of the pathetic society
hiddennmyheart16: heheheeh
thecityilove: you're an idiot
thecityilove: and yes
thecityilove: anthony's not on
thecityilove: I left him an exhaustingly long message.
hiddennmyheart16: mmhm
thecityilove: that'll teach him to leave his house when I'm online!
thecityilove: haha
thecityilove: I am queen of England
thecityilove: I wonder if that counts as treason
thecityilove: good thing I don't live in England
hiddennmyheart16: mmhmm
hiddennmyheart16: you aren't on the last 100 poems read
hiddennmyheart16: sad
thecityilove: shut up
thecityilove: you are sad
thecityilove: crop me something
thecityilove: talk now
hiddennmyheart16: lol
hiddennmyheart16: hold on
hiddennmyheart16: filling out this thing
thecityilove: okay
thecityilove: I will never let go
hiddennmyheart16: which poem should i submit?
hiddennmyheart16: brb
thecityilove: that good one
thecityilove: ew...write a new one
thecityilove: want to borrow one of mine?
thecityilove: :-)
hiddennmyheart16: no, i actually want to get IN
hiddennmyheart16: lol
thecityilove: hey, I'm in. That's just stupid.
thecityilove: I'm part of the In Crowd.
thecityilove: I am so cool.
hiddennmyheart16: mmhm
hiddennmyheart16: keep dreaming
thecityilove: you're not in. do you not get that?
thecityilove: you are an outsider!
thecityilove: I am queen of England!
hiddennmyheart16: i get it
thecityilove: get what?
hiddennmyheart16: there... i applied
hiddennmyheart16: i used the looking down poem
thecityilove: looking down?
hiddennmyheart16: you haven't read my stuff in forever
hiddennmyheart16: go read it and find out
hiddennmyheart16: lol
thecityilove: ok
thecityilove: you get what?
hiddennmyheart16: you said..
hiddennmyheart16: you dont get it, do you?
hiddennmyheart16: or soemthingl ike that
hiddennmyheart16: i got the in crowd ting


just some droning between me and my friend. her name is cyndi. and mine is not. it's melanie. i'm not joking. because that would not be funny. in fact, that would be lame.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to I'm deaf you insensitive jerk

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chimichangas
12/27/2001 08:41 p.m.
I have done so much this past month. It's weird. My entire outlook on life has changed, diminished somewhat. I'm addicted to a lot of things now. Yet, none of them are in any of the Truth commercials, so I'm guessing that I'm safe. I've been rather pessimistic lately. So nothing's changed. I'll add more when I get a little less boring. But if that doesn't happen, I'll add anyway. Until then, I am queen of England.
I am currently Peachy
I am listening to the AIM thing that tells you you're getting a message

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I HATE DRAMA
12/27/2001 07:50 p.m.
I'm SO happy that they have 'sly' on the mood list...that's great! Reminds me of a time last year when my very hilarious friend said,"You think you're sly? Well, I'm peanut butter baby!" hahaha.... and I hate Sean because he's a loser. I wrote like a million songs. One of them's called I hate boys and Boys suck. and Who Sucks? Boys.




(no offense to boys)


I am currently Sly

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purple skies are pretty
12/27/2001 06:34 p.m.
I wrote another song! and my fingers hurt like a brother from holding the strings...but i'll live... :D it's called "burdened" ..if you want to read the lyrics, go to my poetry and well, it's called burdened...
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to my cat's snoring

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"that's me in the spotlight...losing my religion"
12/27/2001 04:25 p.m.
I'm feeling better, optimistic. Last night, i got all mad and hurt and stuff because my stepmom said something about frankenstein which reminded me of sean which made me feel mad and hurt and stuff. so i went in my room and did what i always wanted to do. I wrote a song (ON MY GUITAR!) :) it was called "boys aren't worth the trouble." the lyrics? well, they went like this..

I have found
that boys aren't worth the trouble
(repeat)
because when you find one
you think you like
you get sick
and he, well, he gets a girlfriend
I have found
that boys aren't worth the trouble
(repeat)
I have found
my way

well, it's not really a SONG persay... i was just fumbling around and playing different chords I've learned, but i sang my heart out. buddy, did i. i felt better afterwards. not as mad at him as i should have been... but I was better. I love free therapy. yeah, whatever.
so i just put that alecia keys song on.."woman's worth"... weird, my sister was visiting a couple weeks ago and she told me that she was gay. i dont think so, i have nothing against gay people, my brothers gay and i love his gay butt more than anything, but i dont think so. why would she write all these songs about men and have them in her video? whatever... rumors i guess.
id like to learn to play the piano. i used to be able to play heart and soul on our keyboard, but the batteries ran out and i just never got new ones.
i need to get my film developed from christmas. i wish that camera would take black and white film. i'd like to be a photographer/painter/singer/songwriter/writer and all that fun stuff. my friend wants to be a lawyer..yuck. she's an awesome writer too, i guess that's a good thing..you know, all the briefs and stuffs. oh well, thats her bad choice :)

my dads at work and my stepmoms in her shop cutting someones hair. my stepsister's out walking and i'm here listening to alecia keys and typing away in my pajamas. ahh...i love these pajamas. i got em for christmas, they're flannel and plaid! :D i think they're guys...but who cares? and im wearing this shirt..come to think of it, i dont know where i got this shirt, its probably not even mine. i might have gotten it at that thrift store i went to a while back, but i dont remember it. its good though.
well ill be back later to bore you people a little bit more :D

melanie
I am currently Better
I am listening to losing my religion-rem

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yes, I'm back again
12/26/2001 11:18 p.m.
Nothing like comfort food and a movie set in New York City to calm you down. I want to live there someday. Settle myself down in an apartment with a great view of the rain and a bookshelf full of books I'll buy on Saturdays when I tour the shops. One day.

I got myself a red shirt today. I tried it on and thought it looked good, bought it, came home and it looked good. I was all surprised. Usually, I'll buy something at the store that looks decent, then come home and find I've bought myself a fashion deathwish. But I'm not big on fashion so I end up wearing it anyway. I like flannel and plaids, but plaids are so popular now, I'd hate to fit in like that. I see it as, when you wear something as trendy as plaid is right now, you look like you're trying too hard. And I don't like to look like that. Because I don't try at all, and I don't know. I guess it's a pride thing. In a way. I just don't want to be like everyone else, ironic enough, like everyone else I want to be an individual. If that makes any sense.

You know what song makes me think of NYC? That song by Ben Folds Five, um..... Brick. It makes me think of a rainy day in the city. I've been there once. I used four disposable cameras, and lost all the pictures. I still have a couple, but I spilled tea or some foreign liquid on them and now they've got this weird antiquey look. It's kinda cool I guess, but they're sticky. I'm bad with pictures. I'm bad with anything that takes special care. Funny thing, I want kids.

It's dark outside. It's SIX O'CLOCK and it's dark. That is so lame. I like that word-lame. I use it too much. I call everybody lame, even myself. I guess just a tendency to fit in. I think I'm getting that disease that those secretaries get from typing so much. That would just be further proof that I am nerd. I don't get teased, but I know what they're thinking. On hat day, I wore this purple and bluish hat that I crocheted and this girl goes,"That is so adorable, but I would NEVER wear it." I was all,"Um, thanks?" How do you respond to that. I didn't know whether she was complimenting my bravery or insulting my bad taste, I guess it was an insult either way. Oh well, I'll be making millions off a clothing line and she'll be making fun of it. I don't really care if I'm rich, though. As long as I'm not ugly. Haha, just kidding. No, I really don't care if I'm rich or not. I've been poor, I've never been rich, but I've been poor. Right now my family's comfortable. And, as far as ugly goes, it's in the eye of the beholder. ;)

My feet are cold. I should put some socks on or wear those house shoes I got for Christmas. They're adorable, they're like "monster feet." It's so cute. I wish they made noises like the ones I saw in an episode of family matters. I love that show. They don't show it as much as they used to. I'll live. I'll tell you a show that's good. That Gilmore Girls show...now that's some delicious tv right there. I don't really know why, I just love it. It makes me feel all warm inside.

This country song is making me sad. (I say as I press repeat) It's a pretty good song. This guy's voice is awesome. If I hated music (um, say I was the devil), I would love this band. They are..brace yourself...Rascal Flatts. This guy's voice ...just, um, makes me feel all warm inside. :D

Ugh, I must start getting ready for soccer conditioning. "Two to three miles a day of running," my coach said. HE'S the devil. *Shrugs* oh well. soccer's fun
I am currently Safe
I am listening to movin' on, rascal flatts

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too much time on my hands
12/26/2001 06:02 p.m.
This time off of school is great, I don't want to go back (for various reasons I will probably not go into unless I'm dying), but I am SO bored. If you have bothered to read this far and have noticed the dates and times of my journal entries (you must be bored too) and you will see that today I have said A LOT. I'm off to get frustrated at my guitar again.
I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to my chewing--donut good

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the beatles are beautiful
12/26/2001 05:13 p.m.
"it's the end of the world as we know it.. its theee end of the world as we know it.. and I feel fine"

that's how I feel... fine. though, it's not the end of the world. i went out today. did some after christmas shopping. i didnt even wash my hair. i washed it yesterday. it's kind of flat looking, i didnt feel like buying into society's definition of beauty. not today. no, not today.
which reminds me, a guy at the store said 'if you would lose some weight, you would be beautiful.' and I spent an hour thinking about this guy's comment and whether it was rude or just blatantly truthful. (I arrived that it was blatantly rude to be so truthful) and I almost cried that some stranger would be so cruel as to point out that I have a bit of a belly. I'm not fat, by no means. I'm fine with my body. I just have, a little extra. so that took the shopping mood right out of me. (that and the fact that I'm flat broke) then I wanted to slap myself, and almost did (except for the fact that we were in a crowded department store, and I couldn't take anymore ridicule today) I wanted to slap myself for doing that to myself. For listening to him. I am a wonderful person, a bit vain :), but I'm a wonderful person. and beauty is such a wonderful thing that it can't be stuffed in a box that is labeled as "superskinny and nice face"...no that's just wrong.

Now I feel all corny and wierd for having written a journal on "beauty" because I've seen it done so many times. But, I had to share my bit of irony with you. Because, as it turns out, he wasn't talking to me. He was talking to a girl who was a bit skinnier than i. how refreshing
I am currently Fine
I am listening to paul mccartney singing yesterday at the nyc concert on vh1

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