channel 167
05/19/2005 06:31 a.m.
country music reminds me of mom now. I think about her so much lately- when I put on lotion, see a stop sign, or hear someone laughing. I remember lying beside her, playing with her hair, bracing myself and thinking "mel, this won't last forever"
how right I was.
I am currently Blue

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monday- almost tuesday
04/12/2005 03:55 a.m.
walking into my room just now, the smell reminds me of my aunt's in saipan. like food and old asian grocery stores, with soba in the corners and chinese letters layered with dust you can only see when your elbow accidentally brushes across it while reaching for something entirely different. that smell of the first time i ever had twenty dollars and my cousins and my uncles with brown skin and funny accents and sugar cane and kabob stands and looking for birthday presents for my mom with a dollar in my pocket, christmas caroling in ridiculous white dresses in 97 degree nights.

- smells are the largest sense tied to memory-
I am currently Nostalgic

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sunday evening- rambling until aim cuts me off
04/11/2005 03:10 p.m.
The sky looked so amazing tonight- and I was thinking "hey that looks like a picture" then I realized that pictures are just stillframes of actual life, therefore it just looked like actual life... in motion. if that makes any sense. and walking around to the front door from my car, I saw the first lightning bug of the season and my breath fluttered with its light and I whispered "thank you Jesus"- which is the first sincere prayer I've had in a while. I'm excited about summer, because I can see my friends and pretend I never graduated high school and that I'm not faced with bigger decisions than I've ever had to make. And I love the new friends I'm making, but I wonder how long it will last. I want to move out- but I'm scared to offend my parents. And, on the way home from work tonight, I listened to one song over and over- about ten times- just singing loudly with windows down and a cold left hand


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happy 9:14, all
04/11/2005 01:16 a.m.
just getting the feeling that all of my poetry's the same. I want to write something different, something slow and lovely that isn't just images or random memories. something that's real. yeah, something real.
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to cake- daria

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pisses me off
09/14/2004 03:16 a.m.
you have to have a subject on these things or it will delete your thoughts--

I have the feeling that I should delete all of my poetry and begin again, from scratch. But maybe new beginnings are overrated- just more chances to mess things up in a brand new place. Or maybe I'm just tired, hungry, grumpy, or disgruntled. Maybe it's too late to divulge my thoughts- maybe it's too late to begin again.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to jason upton- run, baby, run

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Thursday--
07/15/2004 07:00 p.m.
and I'm sitting at Cyndi's house listening to the Norah Jones song "Humble Me" for the thirteen-hundredth time. Her music is so beautiful-- can't get over it. I'm all decked out in my new bermuda shorts and green corduroy hat from old navy-- the poor people's banana republic. Was watching the ashlee simpson and wondering if I would ever really want to be a singer. I've never known a famous one personally, but it almost seems as if she doesn't appreciate it sometimes, as though it's supposed to happen and it's taken advantage of. Maybe I'm completely wrong- but I never want to get to that point. As frustrating and decomposing to my confidence it is at times, I always wish to struggle on my guitar and voice ability and general belief in my abilities. keeps me real
I am currently Cute
I am listening to norah jones- humble me

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Love is Hell, Pt2. [Ryan Adams]
07/05/2004 04:16 a.m.
I'm listening to his cd and I never realized there were so many songs. Maybe that's because I always had it on repeat for "My Blue Manhattan." Why do I believe with so much that I belong there? Perhaps I won't know until I am there, belonging. "it's you against me most days/ it's me against you. don't... making snow angels in the gravel/in the dirt/crawling like a spider/I'm somewhere inside her/too hurt to move/too hurt to move/... my Blue Manhattan."and then acoustic strums of the next song. It's my own little Louvre
I am currently Calm
I am listening to see title.

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so this is what 'ages' feels like
07/04/2004 04:10 a.m.
forgive the extensive gap between these the last entry and now's. I wonder if my journal has ever been introduced to anyone's eyes other than my own. Watching vh1 on mute again, I've found myself attracted to this cd that has been superglued to my disk drive. The night is wearing on again and though I am tired I am not asleep. My anticipation for wednesday leaves me with a deja vu that wearies me and worries me and generally makes me want to vomit.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to dc- as lovers go

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onefortyeight
02/28/2004 06:47 a.m.
another girls' night out and we've made tshirts. twenty bucks and six hours later we're about to crash.

goodnight. off to clean the highway in the morning. i need chapstick.
I am currently Cool
I am listening to nothing

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holes in my mouth
10/04/2003 03:26 p.m.
I got my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday. Not as painful as I had imagined. I'm watching The real world road rules challenge: the Gauntlet. The girl Rachel from the real world looks like Dido. She was always my favorite-- very pretty and sort of naive like I imagine I will be when I get to be her age. Sarah's cool too, under-rated and unappreciated. She laughs, yet somehow still acknowledges the pain she feels from that. sarah's even more beautiful than Rachel.
I am listening to GAVIN DeGRAW- Follow Through

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