I met with an accident: Feb. 8th, 2004
02/12/2004 03:04 a.m.

I met with an accident. While returning from a party, accompanied by my wife occupying the front passenger seat, a car moving at almost 60 miles from the opposite direction, hit me on the left flank & sped away at a much faster pace than it had approached and hit me, as if it was a guerilla tactics of hit and run. The impact was so intense that both the cars took almost 180 degrees turn, before the drivers could apply their control & future course of action. Finding that the collision has not affected the locomotion of my car & fearing that the good for nothing crowd would gather, add to my problems and delay my departure in the wake of my wife’s condition (she had dashed twice against the side and roof of the car by the momentum of the collision), I decided to rush back home, which was not far, and assess the situation before taking further course of action. On way back home I cut a joke or two to ascertain her state & I was happy that she responded positive by laughing, though in pain.

Now, sitting here, trying to SEE the whole SCENE in retrospect, I am sure that I couldn’t have averted this event unless I was alert and capable enough to switch over my role to that of an active force than that of passive which the law of cause & effect compelled me to play at that point of space time continuum.

Yes, the hitting car was the ACTIVE FORCE, since it ran into me. I was the PASSIVE & the space (the space of the space of the accident), time (the exact time of the accident) & the situation (created by the law of cause & effect), which brought both of us exactly at this point of space, & time together was the RECONCILING FORCE. In the absence of any of these forces this accident would not have taken place like any other happening or event. But how could have I changed the cause/chain of cause and effect, turning into yet another cause, which brought all the three forces/factors together, necessary for this event to happen?

How could have I changed my role that of being a passive force in this happening to that of an active force?

Well, if I was alert and active, a bit more watchful, I would have KNOWN without knowing and the split, we know as present, would have expanded a bit. I could have SENSED what might happen before it actually happened. I could have ACTED even before consciously knowing why did I ACT. I have known and averted many events in the past. I have also failed to do so by refusing to ACT & suffered. I could have driven back home safe and scratch free if I could have switched over my role defying this game of the LAW OF ACCIDENT supported by the LAW OF CAUSE AND EFFECT turning it into a mere happening of non-happening. Ha! Ha! Ha!

But, who knows, if THIS HAPPENING OF A NON HAPPENING could have lead me to yet another happening, head on, this time, with a truck? Ha! Ha! So, let thank all the non-existent gods for causing this accident in order to avert another. In any case, events are inter related.I must accept my helplessness & resolve to work hard to turn my self into an active force when the situation arises. (And passive, when the need is. I am laughing hard. I have promised some one that I shall be playing a passive role in a planned accident likely to take place when the reconciling force is conducive & ready to let meet both the forces. Ha! Ha! Ha!)

The CT Scan and MRI has now confirmed that my wife has suffered no internal injuries, but for few bruises here & there & a stretched nerve compressed somewhere causing giddiness when she moves her head. They have advised her a hard belt around her neck and a complete bed rest. Bloody fools forgot to advice her complete silence, which I am trying to convince her to, now. Ha! Ha! Ha!

I got stuck up in a traffic jam. Feb,2nd,2004
02/02/2004 11:36 a.m.

I got stuck up in a traffic jam. Well, it’s not an uncommon experience. I do get stuck up in CROWD SITUATIONS, where in, in many situations, like today’s traffic jam, I feel helpless.

What can I do in a situation like this?

Get annoyed?

Fight the helplessness?

Where this fight will lead me to?

Unhappiness?

So, what do I do?

WHAT IS is always pregnant with WHAT SHOULD BE

If I know WHAT IS

I know WHAT SHOULD BE.

Accept your helplessness-I auto-suggest.

And I was no more helpless.

On the contrary I found my self happily observing the MAN-MACHINES.

Behaving unaware of their behavior pattern.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is WHAT IS

And I am helpless.

If I struggle

I am in pain.

If I concede

I am no more helpless.

WHAT IS is

Pregnant with WHAT SHOULD BE

But, if my what is

Stops me from putting into action

What should be?

Accept your helplessness

My NAGUAL said.

I am no more helpless.

A tiny little world : Jan 27th, 2004
01/27/2004 03:44 a.m.

All the paths

Seems to be leading to one

A tiny little world

Which came into existence

A while ago

On its own terms

Hold on-my intending self says

When ever you remember her

Remember your self.

................................................

I walked into ‘our’ little world

So many times

That I just forgot

Which world

Lead me which side 

................................................ 

Every thought lead me to one

Where in I found myself

Asking her repeatedly

To remember her self

When she remembered him

When ever she walked into

‘That’ tiny little world

The paradox is

That I ended up

Every time

Forgetting to remember my self.

................................................... 

I am laughing.

Helplessly

Charged with over flowing energies

Though I hardly slept

In the last two days.

Everything seems so ABNORMALLY NORMAL now : 23rd of Aug. 2003
09/03/2003 03:17 a.m.

Everything seems so ABNORMALLY NORMAL now : 23^rd of Aug. 2003

It sounds so normal now, the world within as well without.  Despite my not-so-healthy mind and body and subdued spirit.  Every thing seems so ABNORMALLY NORMAL after my terrifying experience of last evening.

It started at around 5.30 while I was driving down to a doctor’s clinic on my way back home.  I was feeling feverish, suspecting some kind of a viral infection since last three days.  But this wasn’t the cause of my intention of visiting the doctor.  I was also suffering from some kind of a allergy (my assumption) causing a very uncomfortable itching sensation all over my body (including my skull) causing appearance of big ugly red patches (the itching made them look ugly, otherwise they did not look so ugly as I am ascribing it to be) all over the skin, so many at times, that there was hardly any space left for them to expand further.  As a backgrounder I must add (and this is not for my doctor’s consumption) that I had tried all kind of treatments from DESHI (indigenous) to popular kind of medicines, potions and lotions clubbed with some anti-allergic pills & skin ointments prescribed telephonically by a Registered Medical Practitioner, the one I was about to visit on my way back home. Needless to say, none of them helped.  The ever-itching red patches kept on appearing and disappearing on its own volition though expanding with the help of my itching fingers and so was it with the itching sensation.  Or was it just the opposite?  That the red patches was appearing with the appearance of itching sensation and despite my not wanting, rather a conscious determination as to not to scratch (oh! Dear, I am doing it right now and its’ so blissful, so pleasure giving in the moment.  I just was to scratch, scratch and scratch and peel off my skin. And once you commence scratching, its’ so impossibly difficult to stop scratching till the realization sets deeply in that its’ of no use)

As a backgrounder, I also must mention here that despite feeling feverish and tired of this unending itching sensation & continued appearance of red patches, I was keeping long hours.  I was extremely busy in the world created by situations neither of my choice nor of my liking.  And that neither of this apparently had any direct connection with the experience I was going through, while driving over to the doctors’ place on my way back home.

The time-stopped.  At least externally.  The world came to a stop.  At least my immediate surrounding.  My car was the only moving object on that crowded street.  It was as if I, a four-dimensional being, in my car, was moving in a three dimensional world.  My connection to the outside world had snapped, once & for all. My sense instruments refused to react to any vibrations emanating from the without.

But I wasn’t scared. At least not on the intellectual plane. Nor, was I happy. (And this was bothering me in a very impersonal way since I had no feelings.  But I thought, rather a thought cropped in that this experience was possibly the result of my year’s of esoteric practice.  Is this the beginning of the experience of inner-unity I had always longed for?  The ultimate oneness?    But where is the bliss, the euphoria I believed will be the first to engulf me?  Why was I feeling so detached, detached to the point of death?

And then something else happened.  I was in a different SCENE.  Altogether a different reality.  Rather part of two different SCENES.  In one I was moving at a snails speed among the standstill traffic.  In another I was in different space of time in a different surrounding.  But this wasn’t at once.  It was alternating and the alternating scenes went on changing alternatively.  I was always in a difficult scene every time I was back to the original that is my so-called world, without.  The ‘continued reality’ continued alternatively.  The other ‘scene’ went on changing.

I won’t be able to recollect any of those scenes I was experiencing alternatively.  They were distinct at that point of time, because they were real at that point of time. The good part was, now, when I think in retrospect, that I was not driving. My driver accompanied me that day owing to my ill health.  The good part was that I knew & understood my state of mind, every time when I was back.  Well, walking back from a dream one always knows that it was a dream. (What if one walks out of a dream into yet another dream?)

After experiencing almost ten different scenes in different space of time, I thought.  Rather a thought cropped in.  (I was my normal thinking animal every time I was back into that original scene)  Rather a realization that for some reason my conscious mind has somehow got connected to my subconscious mind and the ‘scenes’ were just creative assemblage of the unconnected associations registered with in.  If this was so, it wasn’t a bad experience I thought.  My subconscious playing the role of my conscious while I remained conscious of my subconscious becoming my conscious.  This was something real super normal.  Now, I asserted, my intending self shall be the operator.  So, after all, after a long wait, ‘I am’ on the verge of becoming my operator.  I remember giving some positive suggestions to my subconscious but before it could follow the suggestion or refuse to do so (which it is not capable of) or allow this fact be established that my conscious & subconscious minds are one, I walked into yet another scene.

Despite my detachment, I was a bit scared in a detached way, for a while.  I deducted that I may not reach my house ‘alive’.  But never did I think of changing my course.  I was determined to go to the doctor.  Meanwhile I needed to make a call to my house & to my utter confusion I wasn’t sure of any of the three telephone numbers.

This went on till I almost arrived at the doctor’s place.  I did not tell him anything about my experience or newfound state.  Nor anything as regards my anxieties & physical discomfort. 

Despite my detachment I was anxious.  I wasn’t at peace.  I was not at peace because despite the detachment & the world coming to a stop I was not at peace.

We discussed about my continued itching sensation & the resulting red patches.  He changed one of the medicines he had prescribed earlier.  Casually, in the course of the check-up, he took my blood pressure and to my surprise it appeared at 140/108.  How could it shot up without my even knowing it?  I am so extremely sensitive towards my body that if there’s a bit change in the temperature/blood pressure, I instantly know about the change and the diastolic wasn’t 90. It was108.  It was well beyond danger mark.   He asked if I was on a regular B.P. Pill.  To my shock I failed to recollect the name of the pill though I thought of many. Considering my confusion he suggested some names. But I wasn’t sure. I was so confused.  In any case, he asked me to increase the dose from half to one a day.  I thanked him and got up to take his leave.

The unexpected happened at this moment.  I realized that darkness was engulfing me and my legs had no strength.  The last thing that I experienced was that there was a big black hole in the middle of my body and that narrowing dark pit was sucking in my mere existence.  I simply blacked out.  I mumbled something to the doctor of which I am not sure if I ever mumbled.

When I regained my consciousness I found that four persons including the doctor held me in the very same chair I was occupying.

I asked him as to the exact duration of my black out.  The doctor, instead, asked me to not to worry, to go home & take a B.P. Pill & rest.  Some boy from the clinic handed me my specks while I was climbing into my car.  I was wondering if I had dropped it while dropping unconscious.

Driving back home I was wondering if I was coherent while I was with the Physician and what kind of impression I must have left. To my surprise I wasn’t sure of anything that transpired between the Physician and me.

By the time I was back home, I was feeling my ‘normal’ self once again, though feverish and tired. I was damn sure now that I was not going to die. Not yet.

I have stopped LIVING – 2nd of March 2003
03/03/2003 04:34 p.m.

I have stopped LIVING.

I have STOPPED STOPPING.

My external is not conducive, with irritants scattered all along my path, wanting their deaths in the disguise of their lives at my cost, leading me no where at all.

It wasn’t much different either before. The only difference lies in the number of irritants, which has gone up. And they are all on the KILL.

I know, only intellectually at this point of time, that I can deal with them if I can deal with my life, that is, if I can deal with the TIME. The TIME, which is never present despite its presence all the time. IF….and yes, it’s a big if…if I can be PRESENT.

AM has no meaning without its AMNESS

And I can only be I AM in I am’s PRESENCE.

So, it’s not them who are on the KILL. Its ME, every moment, in my absence, on the KILL.

I am not LIVING.

And I want to LIVE.

I am passing through a bad phase – march 1st, 2003.
03/03/2003 04:24 p.m.

I am passing through a bad phase – march 1^st, 2003.

When did it start?

Did it start with the retirement of my father from active participation in the family affairs owing to his heart attacks and subsequent open-heart surgery of no avail?

I don’t think.

Seeing the whole scene retrospectively, I think the subsequent events proved good for the family. And it goes without saying that events are interrelated subject to the law of cause and effect.

Did this start with the heart attack my elder brother had at the age of forty-one and subsequent two heart surgeries, (one of them an experimental, where in his heart was converted into a sponge like thing, known as TMR)?

I don’t think.

The family got adjusted to this situation too and the affairs of the family went smoothly, though it did increase my burden in terms of responsibility.

Did it start with my decision to quit the business group, obviously on their terms, of which, I was one of the promoters, where I had two roles to play, one of them of my liking that of a forester?

I don’t think.

Since quitting was my logical decision in my best interest. While part of this group, I had tried to balance my life with the dreams of my co-promoters and concluded that I just can’t go along with them. I have never looked back since then and I do feel good about that decision.

I think the bad phase started with the happenings devastating my sister’s family. The death of the KARTA (the doer, her father in law), followed by the deaths of two of her husband’s brother’s, and many more untoward events culminating into my brother in law going broke, despite all kind of financial support from my end, resulting into my brother in law becoming liquor addict and my sister to some kind of a drug. They simply failed to adjust to their new realities.

Yes, the bad phase in my life started from here since this caused me immense mental stress. My entire endeavor to resettle them failed because of their naivety, addiction and foolhardiness. I had to relocate them near my house in my hometown with increased burden of five members including education of three of her daughters. In the process I had to shut down a family restaurant in my hometown.

By the time my sister’s family got settled down, I was served with a notice for demolition of my newly constructed house for political reasons. Some how I could manage to get the order kept in abeyance at a great cost. But it did cause me hell of anxiety and stress.

By the time I could resolve cause of this stress, and settle down, the biggest set back of my life emerged out of the blue and hit me so hard that I really do not know if I would ever come out of it, intact.

The apparent cause of this bolt from the blue is the attitude of my elder brother. My brother has a tendency of not applying him self to any of the problems. He has an inherent tendency to run away from any problems. And where he cannot he would try and find short cuts. As a result, in one of the industrial set up, in which the family had invested huge sums in the form of equity and loans, in which my brother was one of the non participating director and my nephew involved full time, another director, who was managing the financial affairs siphoned huge sums and one fine day absconded leaving huge institutional, bank and market liabilities unpaid, including many post dated cheque. Incidentally, the family had given one of its commercial properties as collateral securities apart from my brothers and my personal guarantee’s.

I did my best to block all kind of negative emotions resulting from the aftermath of this event, which in turn resulted into a psychosomatic problem in the shape of a frozen shoulder, which I am trying to undo after ignoring it for almost three months.

This unforeseen event has not only made people to talk all kind of exaggerated nonsense satisfying their false egos and sadism (though it doesn’t affect me since I am used to living with my truth), this has also initiated many criminal and civil cases, both way. This had also displaced my family for some time (part of it, since we live in two different towns).

After giving due thought I took a decision. People pay with their lives to make/save money. I decided to pay the cost for getting back my life. I do feel that this shall help my family in the long run, particularly the youngsters. The continuation of this state of affair, I am sure, will affect their psychology in a negative way. I have decided to come out of it as fast as I can. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

My sole anxiety at this point of time is that what I am left with in terms of life shall now have to be invested to control the damage. An investment, which will bring me no returns. (I am still struggling to accept my helplessness. This needs so much courage) the damage is already done. What all I can do is try and control the damage. And well, this will be at the cost of my life.

Passively Blank
01/05/2003 04:50 p.m.

Thursday, October 3rd, 2002

Passively Blank This was almost twenty fifth times that I had to trick him out of the room. But all the time he was back before I could comfortably recline in my bed with a pen and my notebook jotting down what ever comes to my mind. He was persistent in his endeavor in insisting upon me by his behavior to play football with him and I wasn’t prepared. I had a long tiring day yesterday and a dreamful of a night. More over I was recovering from a relapsed virus infection. I wasn’t feeling good in chasing him out but I was neither in a mood to go out and play with him nor I was physically fit to do so. This was my beloved one and half year old Dalmatian son MOWGLI. Well, finally he understood my situation and went out with his ball and occupied a shady area in one corner of the lawn, rolling and playing on his own. And now I am here, though not reclining in my bed but in my study with my writing pad and pen, wondering as to from where to start. I am trying to concentrate and I cant. There’s nothing, which is diverting me. I am just passively blank. I have always longed for this blankness but then it has to be an ACTIVE BLANKNESS where you are aware and alert, without as well within, from moment to moment, in continuity. And here I am, passively blank, almost half asleep. We normally do mechanical kind of thinking in such a passive state of mind, almost like dreaming. My frozen left shoulder is still bothering me despite an hour’s acupressure therapy I underwent for the third time yesterday in the course of last ten days. This constant painful sensation in my shoulder is not helping my mood. My body too seems to be consuming all the available energies in fighting all those virus’s, I don’t know at what rate they must be multiplying inside the cells of my body. And instead of helping my body by conserving energies, here I am demanding surplus energies from it. Yes, I need some energies and positive impressions, which would transmute these energies into refined energies. I am more than certain that a single word, mounted on these energies, then, would be sufficient enough to lead me to meaningful writing. The concentrated refined energies would easily establish link between my various centers, namely: intellectual, mechanical, emotional and if the quality of these energies transmute further, depending on the quality of the impression, then INTUTIVE, a center if active and to the fore, brings KNOWING without the aid of the language. Unfortunately I am lacking both: energies as well as the much needed quality impressions. Quality impressions are capable of providing SHOCK to the energies in the process of transmuting them. Well, in the absence of this much needed energies and impressions, rather in the presence of absence, I have no other go than to stop writing. But before I do that I must thank a friend who helped me with an account in the livejournal.com by not only providing me a code but also in helping me set up the page.

I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to Blankness

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I think not to think
01/05/2003 03:20 a.m.

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002

I think not to think The first thought that came to my mind, when I woke up this morning, a couple of minutes ago, was ‘not to think’ and I smiled and thought ‘I think not to think’. I smiled because I found my INTENDING SELF present. I smiled because I found my self energized enough to get into a conflict with self/selves who would have carried me away to NOWHERE. My smile found an extra width in the paradox of ‘I think not to think’. Laughter (smile after all is a mild laughter) has a very peculiar but extremely positive and definite chemistry. But only, when the laughter is either innocent-an expression of pure joy- or when one laughs on one self-i.e., laughs one self out. As expression of pleasure it transmutes ‘crude energies’ into ‘finer energies’, which brings a ‘desired change’. But when the direction is towards one self, then it brings you face to face with your IT SELF (unintended self) and provides you a definite help in getting rid of this self. However this ‘expulsion’ might prove to be but the positive side is that you (your intending self) have taken a stand and this is a definite proof of your still being ALIVE. Laughter is always indicative of your WIN in the conflict you are with your self. And here I am writing my journal after a lapse of nine months- ha! ha! ha! This thought of my gestation period of nine months generates another mild laughter-and I can undoubtedly claim that these moments are ALIVE in all certainty (though quality wise they are not as ALIVE as they can be.) But ‘IT’ is programmed. ‘IT’ is what it is. ‘IT’ is powerful, manifesting in various ‘I’s’, which have umpteen associations, which are in fact its umpteen energy sources. ‘IT’ is nature. How can ‘I’ survive when the ‘I’ is placed against such a powerful opponent? The only course is a CONFLICT. A conflict between the INTENDED I and all other IT I’s. A conflict between the ‘I’ and the NATURE. A conflict between BEING and NOTHINGNESS. A conflict between YES and NO. It is said that one can only become REAL when one gets into this CONFLICT with what is not intended and WINS all the ENERGY SOURCES of these UNINTENDED SELVES. It is said that an ASTRAL BODY comes into being only with this FRICTION. If some body calls me a fool (slaps me) its NATURAL on my part to feel offended and hurt and get into a verbal dual or fight with the person who called me fool with hatred and violence with in. But if I UNNATURALLY decide to ignore him or give him a smile in response and pity him or think if he was wise enough to call me a fool (offer him my other cheek) then I am getting into conflict with ‘IT’. Needless to say that this conflict alone can strengthen my INTENDED SELF, provided that this INTENDED SELF will have to predetermine to come out as a WINNER in the end. Somebody once asked me as to how this somebody can become something. Again it goes without saying that one will have to have a permanent INTENDING SELF in order to BECOME what one is INTENDING to BECOME. This is probably the reason no body is what one intends to be in the absence of a real self. One is what IT makes one by accident.