bachelorette
10/24/2006 04:14 p.m.
you try to show him that you can, but you can never rush a man....

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update
08/17/2006 01:33 p.m.
i havent been on here a while. i've been dealing with bipolar issues and they have kept me uncreative and disinterested. its far more important to sleep.
but lately i've been having some good days, for the most part. it comes and goes. i've been listening alot to nin, especially after finding out that trent is bipolar and has written a lot of his songs ABOUT bipolar. its comforting to know that someone out there deals with the same issues and feels free to write about it. the songs help me in some ways...and in some ways they make me incredibly unstable. so its a double edged sword.
i guess i just wanted to write a bit and tell everyone who cares that im still here. still alive and breathing, though there was a couple of close calls. i have a tendency to hold my breath.

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1952 vincent black lightning
08/17/2006 01:28 p.m.
..theres nothing in this world beats a 52 vincent and a redheaded girl...

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some people never change
05/07/2006 01:25 p.m.
after many years of wondering, i finally found an old..ex-boyfriend, shall we say....online. i found out what he's been up to for the last 6 years, for the most part...mostly getting into trouble with the law, and outing himself. (which actually came as no surprise to me) his looks havent changed, and his demeanor hasnt changed...he's still the ass that he always was.
which is why is why it astounds me that i wrote him. why i couldnt leave well enough alone, i had to message him to see if he would write back. he didnt. which too, comes as no surprise to me. he always was the kind that would pick and choose who was 'worthy' enough to be spoken to.
so why am i so...whats the word....disappointed. why am i STILL trying to get his approval. approval from a man on house arrest for dui. approval from someone who ALWAYS treated me like shit, and obviously continues to.
im married now, with a happy life. he is unhappy. his life is going nowhere. if i wanted just rewards, that would be it. i dont need to look any further for revenge....
but i really wanted him to have changed. i wanted to be able to talk to him and find out that there was a good person there after all.
it turns out that neither of us changed.

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if only
02/18/2006 04:35 p.m.
if i could just feel connected to something, instead of this endless vast 'apart'. if i could find something to relate to besides body size or beauty. if i could find some way to communicate with someone or something....if there was someone out there who just wanted to TALK with me.
if my husband wouldnt be so damned optimistic all the time and realize that sometimes you hurt for no reason. if only i could put my faith in him, if i could believe in him.
if only sad songs didnt make me want to break down into tiny pieces.
if only i could write something that would make someone ANYONE truly understand how crumpled up and destroyed i am inside...

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worship
01/06/2006 02:53 p.m.
wouldnt continuing to worship something you truly dont believe in, be the ultimate lie?
why consider yourself religious/spiritual at all if you dont believe in any religion, including the one you profess?
why such anger towards those who choose to believe in more than you do? are they hurting you? even if they really are blind?
why affiliate yourself with any religion at all if you only believe in metephores?

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once
01/02/2006 03:54 p.m.
once this was this kid who got into an accident and couldnt come to school. but when he finally came back his hair had turned from black into bright white...he said that it was from when the cars had smashed so hard.
once there was this girl who wouldnt go and change with the girls in the changeroom. and when they finally made her, they saw birthmarks all over her body. she couldnt quite explain it they'd always just been there...
but both boy and girl were glad, 'cause one kid had it worse than that.
'cause then there was this boy whos parents made him come directly home right after school, and when they went to their church they shook and lurched all over the church floor. they couldnt quite explain it, they'd always just gone there.

-ctd

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