i did not want to leave you.
i wanted to stay.
i wanted to hear you say,
in the middle of the night,
while we slept horizontally
on my mattress on the floor,
"hold my hand, dammit."

i wanted you to rub my feet
when you made me angry.
i did not want to have to say,
"let's not do this anymore."

i wanted you to be scared
and that it would somehow make
all of this hurt not matter.

after we were first lovers,
i thought that you would guide me out
of the tragedy i had been weaving for myself.
i thought that we could get by on
everyone thinking we were adorable.
i had somehow believed that we were indestructible
because we were funny,
and we were smart.

now you are just another lesson.
you are the broken chair,
the failed trip to ohio,
the missed thanksgiving,
the elephant in this room.
my room,
that smells of you still.

but i had to offer you an out.
i had to say,
"listen, i get it, if this is too much
then you should just go."

i thought you would stay,

but you didn't.

05/05/2010

Posted on 05/05/2010
Copyright © 2024 Lauren Singer