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bus rides and panic attacks

by Lauren Singer

i don't take the bus that often.
sometimes i have to, and it makes me
miss the city. the slow-jostle against
the window reminds me where i am,
and how somehow it doesn't feel like home at all.

today, my car is broken and there's nothing to be done.
i call out of work and i find myself nearing panic because
what do i do with an empty day, that i didn't plan,
with the world carrying on as usual,
amongst all this stifling emptiness.

the bus is a good investment
for someone who needs to go somewhere
for no good reason.
i want to call someone, and ask them to come,
we can stop somewhere on the way
and get a coffee, and relate to each other
in ways that make us feel worthy of love,
or some such thing.

but there is no one to call.
it's a wednesday, and it feels wrong
to be home from work, and there is all this crippling
realization that i have
suddenly become an adult,
and no one asked me about it.

there is a man across from me,
with his leg crossed widely over his knee.
his pants are too short
for his long, scrawny legs.

he is wearing argyle socks,
and has a hermit crab tattoo
peeking out of the space between
his sock and his short pants.

i always fall in love on the bus.
sometimes with a man,
sometimes with an entire family.
occasionally just a beard, a turquoise hat.

i want this man to have no where to go,
to ride this bus to the end and back to where it started.

i want him to cup my cheeks in his hands and kiss
the tip of my nose without saying anything to me.

i want him to be the reason why i decide
to go back to school, or adopt a dog, or
keep on living.

but he gets off at the next stop and for
a moment i almost pull the lever, scream "Stop!"
and jump off to chase him.

but they only do that in the movies.
and i look stupid when i run.

i listen to the same melancholy song six times
and i wonder what people did before they could
bring portable music onto buses and drown out
the possibility of interaction.
it's the sort of relief that makes you feel ashamed at the same time.

i keep thinking that some of these people must be regulars,
with their canvas shopping bags and bulky backpacks.
they must know i'm faking it, that i don't need to use the bus
for any good reason, that i just needed somewhere to go.
they are here for a purpose but i am merely navigating through my day
with the acknowledgement that time will eventually pass.

i get off at the stop that takes fifteen minutes
to walk back from, just so i can say i did something today
besides sit.

i go into the coffee shop on the way home, and
here the faces are familiar and all pretend to be busy
amidst laptops and lattes.
i want to knock someone's computer over or rub myself against someone
rather sexually, just to see what would happen.

but i use half-n-half instead of skim milk today
and that feels like enough of a risk, so i
sip it slowly and walk towards home.

if someone smiles at me on the way,
i think i'll be alright.

01/25/2012

Posted on 01/25/2012
Copyright © 2024 Lauren Singer

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by George Hoerner on 01/25/12 at 11:12 PM

Only in a smaller town will someone smile or say hello as you pass them on a walk. In big cities people won't even look at you. They rush to get inside what they consider their safe space. I love this write coming straight out of you.

Posted by Ken Harnisch on 01/26/12 at 05:03 PM

ah, Lauren...when my car is in the shop and I have to use the LIRR ( remember those guys, former LI girl?) I too have felt exactly the way you do, including eying attractive female riders and hoping they don't leave the dreary commuting vessel too early lest I be left alone with my own insular, angst ridden thoughts.For indeed, I do feel like an alien on another planet when forced to publicly commute again. Excellent poem. One of your sterling ones and so, so real!

Posted by Gabriel Ricard on 01/26/12 at 11:53 PM

There's so much personality and energy to be found here, and I know what you mean in that last stanza.

Posted by Carolyn Coville on 08/12/12 at 07:07 PM

Gorgeous! I too love the images and range of emotions in this piece. As a student still, I can relate to having a day off during the week and having noone to call to do something with, and just going for walks to say I did something other than read or write a paper. I also have these urges to do something, like knock off someone's hat, just to see what will happen :)

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