I can put a cigarette out on my tongue does that make me human?
01/10/2011 06:09 a.m.
I thought that with getting older, things would get better. I'm starting to feel depressed again. My writing stopped in the last two months all that's in my favorite journal is an entry that says "dear diary, I'm an asshole". Everything is fine in my life it's all me. I feel like everything I thought would make me better has become useless and that's why under that entry it says "Ps. happiness doesn't by happiness" it's just like every day is so gloomy and rainy but the weather is great here in sunny effing Florida, the newly crowned rainy state. I'm just walking around all day self medicating in between shifts at a job i hate making money i do nothing with. And the medicating is so counterproductive because I'm too cynical to believe anything can actually help me. It's an anti placebo effect that has gotten to the point of alcohol not typically leading to drunkenness. I feel so numb and stupid, so maybe my "happy" pills are working. I have this one simple unquenchable thirst to answer an obvious question, "why are we here?" but the more i think about it, why it matters. in some cases inquisitive people are very helpful, you know the kind of people that say things such as "how do we cure cancer" but philosophy-minded fools like myself can ask why the sky is blue and it doesn't matter why because life would go on. God could descend and whisper the answer in my ear, hell even in the world's ear but would everything not go on the same way? Maybe i just need to believe in fait. I don't know much but inside my head has become such a cold and dark yet void place that it's nearly unbearable. I'm writing a ton tonight but the spring-loaded keys on my computer are laughably pathetic against the weight i need to lift off my chest.
I am currently Troubled
I am listening to Run gunner run by coheed and cambria