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The Journal of Matt Forget

Totally Confused
11/11/2004 11:50 p.m.

Ok the entry on 11/3 was a bit out of context. In fact it was just one of those days...which I completely understand. Everyone has them....

Today feels different though. There was something about today that just hit me harder than a wrecking ball to a building. And for some reason, it really truely feels like I am the one in the wrong, once and for all.

I have done so much with my life. I have grown up with parents who were alcholics, drug addicted and who knows what else. I've grown up with no true friends who really enjoyed hanging around with me because I had no social life. I've been made fun of to the point that I just wanted to end it all. But I just kept on going. I moved several times to different places, never could hold a job because of where I lived and the lack of transportation I had from work to home. I helped in a huge part to take care of my grandparents when they were ill and injured. I helped around the house when they needed it most. I put my part in as much as I could. I gave up even trying to create a social life for myself just to be with the family.

All I did was go off to school. That's all I did. What is so wrong about continuing my education and moving into the city? I was leaving most of my stuff behind because quite honestly, I didn't want to bring everything I had with me to school. That would be a whole lot.

Stuff gets tossed around, broken, battered, lost, rummaged through from people who I would not expect to be doing such things. And no apology. No consideration to me what so ever. How would you feel? How would anyone feel to see their stuff broken, memories shattered, personal information rummaged through? Pretty awful isn't it? With no apology. And the one time I step up to the plate to at least let them know how upset I am about it, I am the one to blame for it. It's my fault that all of it happened. Well why? Why is it my fault that some 15 year old punk decided to destroy my things or rummage and invade my personal space? And where were the parents when he did it and never did anything about it? And why wasn't anything said to me and I had to go up there myself and look at what he did? And yet no apology.

And then I get invited to a wedding. I thought, wow he's getting married. I'll let it slide and things will get better from there. Sure, he was handsome and she was beautiful, but the kids don't even have respect. No respect for the wedding. So what do I do? I suffer through and make it the best day for them as possible knowing that at least one of the kids is actually caring about the marriage of two great people. And I note that in this journal. I get a phone call telling me that I hurt thier feelings for telling the truth in my journal, and that I should keep a journal to myself and no one should ever read it. I am being told that I have to run my life a certain way, their way and that's the only way I should live? No, that's not the way it's gonna go. I will not fall to that level. I said what I said because it was meant to be said. Everyone knows it, everyone will know it because it will never be forgotten.

And they are upset at me because of that? Because I told the truth of what really happened at the wedding. I was at that house every single day helping out, doing my part to keep the house clean and help out as much as I could. And what I get in return is a slap in the face with it's my fault that my things are where they are now. It's my fault that my desk was in shambles when I found it. It's my fault that I said what I said in my journal. This is all of what they think. And none of them will ever understand the pain I have.

Although, there was one person who did understand. One person that bless his soul I will always remember. My uncle was a dear man. He told me that he was proud of me. Proud to see my accomplishments and see me on my feet. Proud to be in a relationship so strong and to always be careful what I do with myself. He cared. He let me stay at his house for the wedding because there was no room at the house where I used to live. He drove me where I needed to be not just because it was important, but also because he cared and he wanted to. It was never an obligation that he had to do anything for me. He wanted to. As much of a pain in the neck he was and we always argued about things, he was the one that really gave a damn about me. The one who really saw eye to eye with me. And that one great person, died.

I was leaving to go to the train station today. Everything was just running behind. I was running behind. But the train wasn't. I got there and ran to the train, and got on the wrong train by mistake. I sat there and watched as the other train was leaving, just to realize that the train that left was my train. So angry, I got off the train, got on the subway and came home. I was going to say good bye to someone who really cared about me, and I missed the train. But it just wasn't that train that I could have caught. I could always get another an hour later, but I decided not to. Why? Because it wasn't worth it. Going to a service that I would see people that really didn't care about what I did and probably wouldn't even be happy with me being there. I was going to say good bye to one person. Not have the fight with all of them.

Of course I feel bad for my cousins and my aunt. They are good people. Good at heart, always great to see them smile and laugh and hang out with them. But I just couldn't face them there. I couldn't put myself with them with the other people there. It wouldn't be right to me. It wouldn't be right for them. I have my times to say good bye to my uncle. But it's not good bye really. It's I'll see you around. Those who care about you never leave you. And those of you that have lost loved ones can agree, they never leave you. There is always a part of them there, with you, always. So I will always have my uncle to talk to, just like Nana. She's always there to talk to when you need her. Always watching to make sure that you're still making them proud.

One once do I want everyone to understand where I come from. Just once let everyone know that I will not close my door on a society that thinks the same or a place where everyone expects the best out of people. You make sacrifices, sometimes they may be good, sometimes bad. This one is a sacrafice I need to make for myself. I've been through too much. It's time to move on.

So you say I'm selfish? No. Selfish is thinking about only yourself. I'm not thinking about just myself. Trust me. I think about a lot of people. I would put my life on the line for Scott, or Mom, or my close friends, or family members that are proud of me so much but I can't quite reach to them all the time. I care. Way too much. But when people mess with me and my life; hurt me in ways that no one would ever want to be hurt; I want no part of them. And quite honestly, who would? Why would you go around letting everyone hurt you so all you can do is always get upset about it? Is it worth the pain and suffering? If it's not worth mending, then don't mend it. Move from it. I need to live my life now and even though what I had is gone, life still goes on for me. I have to rebuild. Those who care about me, show it to me and I do back. Those who don't care about me don't need to know me. It's as easy at that.

My life is really messed up. I really think I'm getting closer and closer to understanding why I just want to stay in bed all day and never get out. Something tells me that for some odd reason, I just may not be ready for life's journey just yet, but I have to face it anyway.

Some people have it easier than others, some may have it harder than me. No one is the same and everyone makes mistakes. I just all seems so confusing to me. Totally Confusing.


I am currently Puzzled

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