All the letters that hurt
01/31/2005 05:17 p.m.
i am trying not to have an attack right now.
i think i just found out something that is making me feel awful.
i feel like i have been lied to.
i have never lashed out, acted out in violent ways, but i feel close to it.
Anne said that some of the things i feel i need, or feel inside, when
i express them, you re-project them onto me, as though they are my
fault.
You do not ask for, express want for, or express what you feel is
going on, whether it is something wrong, right, or you need, or like.
It is almost a complacency, but could possibly be a way of
non-commital toward me.
Your ability to have open, broad, non-restrictive boundaries with
other females (friendships) shows that you do not set boundaries. You
may not be able to change, force, or tell a person how to feel, but
you are supposed to make it clear to them, verbally, and precisely,
that there are boundaries to be respected.
i kept banging on the door until you got sick of it and put a deadbolt on.
yes, i was overly needed, but the open-ended interaction you have with
the rest of the world will feed into any woman's insecurity.
i am not fully insane.
i do however, hear a tiny little evil voice right now that says this
is all lined up in a manner that i do not like.
When i expressed, "So, once i feel that i have made progress on
working on the things i need to deal with in my life, in a few months
we will sit back down at the table and re-examine things" and you left
it at 're-examine' left it open ended, and said that you could not
foresee the future, people around me feel that you are leaving it so
undeterminable that it will be my fault if it leads to false hope ("If
you keep dwelling on and fearing the worst, the worst will happen")
you said that. In saying that, people say you are deflecting "fault".
That you do plan on dating someone else, and the guilt and the pain
will be my fault.
Someone i never thought would say it said something to me last night,
"0mi, your a good girl, and if he can't see it, he's a damn fool, just
like i was."
I am currently Alienated