regarding being stuck in ruts
06/27/2011 07:06 p.m.
in the bell jar, i posted in a thread regarding how personally useful folks found therapy. my reply (in part):

From what I've seen, there are two general types of people who need therapy, those who blindly repeat dysfunctional patterns because going deep inside their thought processes is too painful/scary for them to deal with (frequently because extremely awful things did happen to them) and those who've gotten past that, recognize their issues but don't know how to change their negative defense mechanisms.

Talk therapy can be very useful for the first type...the first step to healing is recognizing you are part of the problem and a skillful therapist should be able to ask the right questions to make you think about why you keep repeating the same dynamics over and over again. Awareness does help.

Problem was, I did a ton of research on dysfunctionism before I got to the point of seeing a therapist and had a fairly good grasp on how I got my underlying issues (which she did verify). But I didn't and still don't know how to change, it feels like I keep getting stuck in the same ruts and it's driving me nuts. (By same ruts, I mean more than just me repeating the same problem behavior, it also feels like I'm echoing some of my parents' garbage as well.)

on a third thought, there's a third set who could use therapy: the abusive jerks who don't want to give up the power trip they get off being abusive, but they usually won't get therapy because there are too many perks that come with thinking that way. but that's neither here nor there as pertains to this entry. i was going to look at ruts.

one of the useful things my parents gifted us with was knowledge of the skeletons hanging in the family tree. while this was generally used to "prove" how much better off we had it than they did, it has served several other useful functions. for one, it has given me several warning sign posts to avoid certain paths that don't end well. more importantly, i have a working knowledge of the types of dysfunctional ruts my family tends to fall into.

some of them would seem to be no-brainers: molestation, rape, alcoholism/drug abuse, domestic violence, marrying too young, having kids too young &/or before getting married, having too many kids (for a short list of examples)...problem being they aren't always that obvious if that's what you've always seen around you. i avoided these, some of my sibs didn't and have paid the price.

some of them can be more difficult and/or subtle...and can be very specific to each individual. as a kid i was the victim of my mother and aunt's feuding...now i find myself in a place similar to my aunt's. the circumstances are slightly different but the similarities make it too obvious to just be coincidence. while i flatter myself that i've handled it better than my aunt did, there's a voice in the back of my head wondering why it had to happen that way at all. had i done it differently would i be on better terms with my friend who was the parent? i didn't leave her kids with the scars my aunt left on me, but it definitely created scarring on their relationship with her.

then again, her own inability to see the patterns she was re-living was already damaging her relationship with them and with me. she was trying to shape me into someone who would fit the pattern she was familiar d/t having an ex and bff who sexed each other: unfaithful friend who her (then) husband stole...because i gave her the counsel i wanted from her when it came to dealing with issues with my own husband. this she took to mean he turned me against her and i was on -his- side. because ten years of friendship can be trumped by three conversations...in her world.

which brings me square back to my own ruts: why am i beating my head against brick walls who don't want to hear? it's the same thing i went through with my mother all my life, who also didn't want to hear about how the way she was treating us was hurting us. yes, i've been set up to live out a kassandra complex, i suspect i'm attracted to friending people with severe emotional trauma who won't look at it. yes, i'm also hiding from my own that way.

and yes, my own patterns are stressing my relationship with my husband as well. similar situation as with my aunt - the past is being recycled. when i was a kid, we were dirt poor, dad couldn't find a job, parents' fought like cats and dogs over the lack of money...the only major difference at this point is we have no kids to impact, just our relationship with each other. nor is he entirely blameless in this dance - his mother divorced his dad over the lack of money. altho he does love me, i can still feel him pushing to repeat that pattern as well. neither of us want it, but the fear and the pattern are familiar.

knowing IS half the battle, it does help to be aware of one's patterns. but it's only half. if you can't break free of them, simply knowing does no good.