this is the only place you can't find me.
01/06/2009 02:28 a.m.
hatehatehate you.
bitchbitchbitchbitch.
manipulative and you get away with it.
play the victim.
i will NEVER play the victim again.
fuck you. and you.
i am immature. so naive.
such a drama queen. fuck.
i know who i am.
i don't like it either.
i am here because you can't see this fucking stupid outpouring of whatever is inside me. and maybe you just don't get that if i can't get this shit out, i'm going to cut it out, bleed it out, and laugh about how little progress i've made. maybe you don't see that whatever is inside me needs out and will get out in a poem or writing or singing or bleeding all over the place. it needs release. there is no storage in here. there is no locker. there is no lock. it is open and free and i will never close it again. i will hide it from you, but it will bleed out eventually.
i am sick. broken.
i think i might have forgotten to warn you.
oops.
now you're stuck being in love with a crazy bitch.
that's my fault. this is all my fault.
i could have said no.
i could have kept the fascination to myself.
i could have said no over and over when i realized what was happening.
but i didn't. because i'm a spoiled rotten child and i want what i fucking want and i wanted you.
and now i have you and maybe you want me, but i continuously fuck everything up and hurt you and let myself be hurt and this is the exact same thing that always happens. i always inject pain into a perfectly happy life, a perfectly happy relationship. i can't just let things happen, let things be. i have to pickpickpick at this fucking scab until it's bleeding. what the fuck is my obession with bleeding. what the fuck is my obsession with pain. why was i crying. you asked. i didn't fucking know. i did it to myself. i did it to her. i did it to you. it was all me and it always is all me. other people fucking with me is my fault. me fucking with them is my fault. you getting fucked with, her getting fucked with. i have brought nothing but pain to you and everyone who ever loved you. including myself.
i told you i would be done and you didn't want me to be. why. WHY. what is the point of letting me ruin everything over and over and in new different creative ways each time. you're letting me keep this up.
no. we aren't that. you're not letting me keep this up. you want me. but you want me to stop this. just like i want you, but i want you to be mine entirely. we're both asking for impossible things, hoping it might happen. but i'll always be crazy and you'll always be unavailable. we are the most disgusting masochists.
why.