honestly.
02/15/2007 12:08 a.m.
honestly, I'm not prepared for any of this.

I'm not emotionally ready to see Eric moving on or to be completely ignored by him.

I'm not ready to go through all those arguments that happen when you're past seeing someone as perfect and you start realizing that you're dating a person, not an infallible embodiment of an ideal.

I'm not physically prepared to deal with a four-day long migraine.

I'm not ready to go for months without SOMETHING to do. I'm TIRED of sitting.

I'm not emotionally, mentally or physically ready to cry every day for at least a month and look like some kind of puffy-eyed... thing.

I'm not prepared to go though all of this again.

and I'm constantly worried that there's no happy ending. ever. with anyone.

Micheaux is tired of me. he must be. we keep arguing. he gets angrier than he ever used to over stuff he'd never even think twice about before. I'm paranoid about every little thing. there was a violation of trust and I can't get over it. I make everything a big deal because of it.

and I'm tired of it too.

and it's Valentine's Day. and last night we went to Walmart and got last-minute little goofy gifts. I gave him a cookie jar like his mom used to have and I put Oreos in it. he got me chocolate and a puppy. not a real one. and we laughed and hugged and it was sweet and we were happy. we go through such extremes. today he was saying he wanted out. I mean, what do I say to that? I knew he was only saying it because he was in one of those moments of pure, unrestricted anger. I told him that and he swore it was just because he was tired of me being so hot and cold with him. he's tired of my feelings. he doesn't want to deal with them. I'm a person. I have feelings. that's anyone. anyone you get close to... you're going to have to deal with those things. am I wrong?

but he's saying we're going to fix it and we'll talk when he gets back from practice. I just hope we don't start yelling again. I'm so tired of fighting. and crying. my face looks totally unlike my face. it's puffy and swollen and gross. it hasn't looked right for days, seriously.

I'm just not ready.
I am currently Overwhelmed